Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Vera Singer…..Rachel Dratch
Party Guest #1…..Tina Fey
Party Guest #2…..Kirsten Wiig
Mr. Singer…..Chris Parnell
Tammy’s Husband…..Jason Lee
[open on exterior of suburban home] [fade to interior, with party decorations and many guests, including a middle aged couple sitting on the couch]
Vera Singer: I can’t believe my Tammy’s having a baby!
Party Guest #1: I know. When was the last time you saw her?
Vera Singer: Oh, it’s been a few months. I just can’t wait!
Party Guest #2: Mr. Singer, are you so excited about being a grandfather?
Mr. Singer: Absolutely! We flew in all the way from Charlotte for this shower. They don’t even know we’re here.
Party Guest #2: Oh! I see their car![everybody hides, except for Tammy’s parents who remain on the couch] [Tammy and her husband enter]
Tammy’s Husband: I like the name Pete.
Tammy: I don’t know. I think Pete sounds like a mechanic’s name.
All: [jumping and shouting] Surprise!
Tammy: Oh, my God! Oh! Was this your idea?
Party Guest #2: Yes! Look at you, Tammy, you’re not even showing!
Tammy: Oh, I, um, well, are you kidding? I’m due any day now. I’m showing right here, though. [she turns her slender tummy away and she rubs her buttocks, which is enormous] Mom! Dad! Oh, my God! [she rushes over to hug them] You didn’t tell me you were coming!
Mr. Singer: It was a surprise. Are you feeling all right?
Tammy: Yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.
Mr. Singer: Good to see you, Mr. Singer. [shakes his hand]
Tammy: I know I’m carrying a little low, but everything’s fine.
Tammy’s Husband: Yeah, the baby’s doing great, Tammy’s doing great. Yeah, the doctor said the baby’s just in an unusual position. He had some term for it.
Mr. Singer: What was it?
Tammy’s Husband: What was it, honey?
Tammy: A butt pregnancy. I’m pregnant in my butt.
Party Guest #2: You’re pregnant in your butt?
Tammy’s Husband: We have no idea how it happened. It’s a fluke, really. It’s actually really common.
Party Guest #1: [scrunching up her face] No, it’s not.
Mr. Singer: But everything’s good?
Tammy: Oh, yeah. The doctor says a butt pregnancy is actually easier when it comes to delivery. So, you know, that’s good.[Tammy’s parents nod tightly]
Mr. Singer: And, how did it happen again?
Tammy’s Husband: No idea. Couldn’t even begin to guess.
Party Guest #2: Um, well, let’s open presents.
Vera Singer: Oh, Tammy, you get the seat of honor!
Tammy: Okay. All right. Let’s see. Here we go. Oh, boy.[Tammy walks across to a decorated chair, which she mounts on her knees, facing the back]
Vera Singer: Oh, are you comfortable like that?
Tammy: Oh, yeah, Mom. I’m used to this position.
Tammy’s Husband: We just feel so blessed. I mean, we weren’t even trying to get pregnant.
Mr. Singer: [tersely] Obviously.
Tammy’s Husband: Oh, I have ultrasound pictures! [unfolds a piece of paper and shows it to second party guest] Let’s see, uh, oh! There’s the head, and there’s a foot.
Vera Singer: I just don’t understand how this could happen.
Tammy: Come on, Mom, you had two kids.
Mr. Singer: Not like that.
Tammy: Yeah, well, the doctor says the baby’s perfectly healthy.
Tammy’s Husband: And that butt pregnancies happen all the time.
Party Guest #1: No, they don’t.
Tammy’s Husband: How do you know?
Party Guest #1: I’m a doctor.
Tammy: Oh! Oh! The baby’s kicking! Feel it, honey.[Tammy’s husband walks over to her and places his palm firmly on Tammy’s left buttock]
Tammy’s Husband: You’ve got to feel this, Mrs. Singer.
Vera Singer: Oh, okay. [tentatively places her hand grazingly on Tammy’s buttock]
Tammy: Come on, Mom, you barely touched it! [grabs her mother’s hand and presses it more firmly onto her buttock]
Vera Singer: Oh, okay! I felt it! [withdraws her hand]
Tammy: Did you feel it? Dad, you feel it!
Mr. Singer: No, thank you.
Tammy’s Husband: The baby kicks all the time.
Tammy: Yeah, if I have too much sugar, my butt goes crazy.
Tammy’s Husband: [laughing] You should see. It’s like those girls in those rap videos.[Tammy and her husband both do “The Butt”]
Party Guest #2: Are you planning a natural birth?
Mr. Singer: It’s too late for that!
Vera Singer: I’m still confused.
Mr. Singer: Vera, I’ll explain it in the car.
Tammy: You know, we wanted to do a water birth, but we couldn’t find a pool that would let us.
Mr. Singer: Well, honey, whatever comes out of your behind, I will love it.
Tammy’s Husband: It’s amazing, isn’t it? I mean, all that keeps going through my head is that there’s a little miracle up in here.[Tammy’s husband tenderly rubs her butt as her leans towards her and smiles] [scene freezes]
Announcer: [voice over] And that baby grew up to be “Saturday Night Live”‘s Will Forte.[dissolve to Will Forte waving happily from the musical stage before exiting stage left]
Submitted by: DavidK93