SNL Transcripts: Jason Lee: 11/12/05: Refurbishments


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters


Gail…..Rachel Dratch
Mitch…..Chris Parnell
Peter…..Fred Armisen
Tyler…..Jason Lee

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to studio set, hosts Mitch and Gail standing behind a work bench with Peter, who’s holding a frame ]

Mitch: Welcome back to “Refurbishments.” We want to thank Peter for showing us how to make an old frame look new again.

Gail: Peter, you really pulled off all the stops on us.

Peter: Well, I wish we could have finished it. [ exits ]

Mitch: Well, we do, too.

Gail: We certainly do. What’s up next, Mitch?

Mitch: Tyler Presley will be showing you how to winterize your homes.

Gail: Already? It seems like we just did our Summer wicker show.

Mitch: I know, it does! Let’s take a walk over to Tylertown, and see what he’s got in store.

[ Mitch and Gail approach Tyler further down the set ]

Tyler: You two ready to winterize?

Mitch: Absolutely.

Gail: Now Tyler, what’s that you got there?

Tyler: Oh, this is a caulking gun. It is the most essential tool in keeping the cold out of your home.

Mitch: I think we’re about to have some fun.

Gail: [ chuckles ] Well, Tyler, walk us through this.

Tyler: Sure thing. Winter air gets into your home through all sorts of little openings and cracks in your windows and door frames.

Gail: Hmm.

Tyler: So what you need to do is take your caulking gun and place a thin bead all along the crack. Like this. [ demonstrates ]

Gail: Okay. So Tyler, what you’re doing – and this is for the audience at home – you’re filling that crack up with caulk?

Tyler: That’s right.

Mitch: Okay. So I put my caulk in the crack, I’m standing there – now what do I do?

Tyler: Well, that’s a common question. Watch. I’m going to use a little bit of pressure and work the caulk into the crack with my index finger. [ demonstrates ]

Gail: Oh, You make it seem so easy. Wow, any time I’m around caulk it’s a recipe for disaster.

Mitch: It’s true. I’ve known Gail for a long time and she cannot handle caulk. But, me, I love caulk. Always have. It’s amazing.

Gail: So, how do we know when it’s hard, the caulk?

Tyler: Oh, you’ll know just by looking at it.

Mitch: Does blowing on it help?

Tyler: Can’t hurt.

Gail: You know, Tyler, it looks like you’ve used too much there.

Mitch: Oh, you can never have too much caulk.

Mitch: I agree. When it comes to caulk, I’m like, bring it on.

Gail: So Tyler, tell me, what do we have over here in this area?

Tyler: Well, so far we’ve worked with white caulk, but what if you’re working with different color tiles like black tiles in a black bathroom?

Mitch: I’m guessing you’re going to use black caulk.

Tyler: You got it. You see, caulk comes in a variety of different shades.

Mitch: Now, is black caulk hard to find? Because I have a black bathroom. And I’ve spent one entire weekend trying to locate some black caulk. I was on the phone, the internet. I was doing everything, short of marching up and down the boulevard, screaming at the top of my lungs: “Does anybody know where I can get my hands on some black caulk?!”

Tyler: Did you try Home Depot?

Mitch: I did not.

Gail: Well, I think I’ve had my fill of caulk for one day

Mitch: Thank you, Tyler, for exposing us to the wonders of caulk. When we come back, Gail and I are going to show how how to trim your bush.

[ Mitch and Gail each reach below the counter and pull up a pair of bushes in need of trimming, Gail’s bush needing a trim much more than Mitch’s ]

Gail: I know mine needs a good trim.

Mitch: Your bush is way out of control. [ to the audience ] We’ll be right back.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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