Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Refurbishments
Gail…..Rachel Dratch
Mitch…..Chris Parnell
Peter…..Fred Armisen
Tyler…..Jason Lee
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to studio set, hosts Mitch and Gail standing behind a work bench with Peter, who’s holding a frame ]
Mitch: Welcome back to “Refurbishments.” We want to thank Peter for showing us how to make an old frame look new again.
Gail: Peter, you really pulled off all the stops on us.
Peter: Well, I wish we could have finished it. [ exits ]
Mitch: Well, we do, too.
Gail: We certainly do. What’s up next, Mitch?
Mitch: Tyler Presley will be showing you how to winterize your homes.
Gail: Already? It seems like we just did our Summer wicker show.
Mitch: I know, it does! Let’s take a walk over to Tylertown, and see what he’s got in store.
[ Mitch and Gail approach Tyler further down the set ]
Tyler: You two ready to winterize?
Mitch: Absolutely.
Gail: Now Tyler, what’s that you got there?
Tyler: Oh, this is a caulking gun. It is the most essential tool in keeping the cold out of your home.
Mitch: I think we’re about to have some fun.
Gail: [ chuckles ] Well, Tyler, walk us through this.
Tyler: Sure thing. Winter air gets into your home through all sorts of little openings and cracks in your windows and door frames.
Gail: Hmm.
Tyler: So what you need to do is take your caulking gun and place a thin bead all along the crack. Like this. [ demonstrates ]
Gail: Okay. So Tyler, what you’re doing – and this is for the audience at home – you’re filling that crack up with caulk?
Tyler: That’s right.
Mitch: Okay. So I put my caulk in the crack, I’m standing there – now what do I do?
Tyler: Well, that’s a common question. Watch. I’m going to use a little bit of pressure and work the caulk into the crack with my index finger. [ demonstrates ]
Gail: Oh, You make it seem so easy. Wow, any time I’m around caulk it’s a recipe for disaster.
Mitch: It’s true. I’ve known Gail for a long time and she cannot handle caulk. But, me, I love caulk. Always have. It’s amazing.
Gail: So, how do we know when it’s hard, the caulk?
Tyler: Oh, you’ll know just by looking at it.
Mitch: Does blowing on it help?
Tyler: Can’t hurt.
Gail: You know, Tyler, it looks like you’ve used too much there.
Mitch: Oh, you can never have too much caulk.
Mitch: I agree. When it comes to caulk, I’m like, bring it on.
Gail: So Tyler, tell me, what do we have over here in this area?
Tyler: Well, so far we’ve worked with white caulk, but what if you’re working with different color tiles like black tiles in a black bathroom?
Mitch: I’m guessing you’re going to use black caulk.
Tyler: You got it. You see, caulk comes in a variety of different shades.
Mitch: Now, is black caulk hard to find? Because I have a black bathroom. And I’ve spent one entire weekend trying to locate some black caulk. I was on the phone, the internet. I was doing everything, short of marching up and down the boulevard, screaming at the top of my lungs: “Does anybody know where I can get my hands on some black caulk?!”
Tyler: Did you try Home Depot?
Mitch: I did not.
Gail: Well, I think I’ve had my fill of caulk for one day
Mitch: Thank you, Tyler, for exposing us to the wonders of caulk. When we come back, Gail and I are going to show how how to trim your bush.
[ Mitch and Gail each reach below the counter and pull up a pair of bushes in need of trimming, Gail’s bush needing a trim much more than Mitch’s ]
Gail: I know mine needs a good trim.
Mitch: Your bush is way out of control. [ to the audience ] We’ll be right back.
[ fade ]
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