Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Hardball
Chris Matthews…..Darrel Hammond
Scott McClellan…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Amy Poehler
Zell Miller…..Will Forte
[ opening graphics for “Hardball” ]
[ dissolve to Chris Matthews leaning into his desk ]
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball,” I’m Chris Matthews. President Bush just wrapped up a tour of South America, or, as he calls it, “the world’s dirtiest Taco Bell.”
[ tag: “Republicans In Turmoil” ]
He then comes home to a whole slew of scandals. And you have to admit, the Republican party has its hands full. Between the CIA leak, the secret eastern European torture prisons and the recent election defeats in Virginia and New Jersey, I haven’t seen a party in this much disarray since the capsizing of Tara Reid’s 30th birthday Booze Cruise. Is the honeymoon over for the GOP, or will the Democrats find a way to screw the pooch this time, as well? Joining us is White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Scott, how you doing?
[ tag: “Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary” ]
Scott McClellan: [ nervous, disjointed ] I’m doing fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? You know, what are you trying to say?
Chris Matthews: I’ve got to say, Secretary McClellan, I have been watching your press conference, and you look as lost as a dyslexic kid at a spelling bee. This week, Vice President Cheney has been campaigning to exempt the CIA from certain Geneva convention rules regarding the interrogation of prisoners. Is this the administration’s way of passively endorsing torture or what?
Scott McClellan: [ furiously wiping his brow the entire time he speaks ] Chris, I can’t comment on our ongoing efforts to protect the American people, as they are ongoing. Likewise, we can’t comment on efforts that were, at one time, ongoing and have now ceased to be ongoing. Or efforts that are ongoing that will stop being ongoing. Then at a later date will continue to be ongoing. It’s just something I can’t comment on. Is that it? Am I done? Can I go? [ starts to get up to leave ]
Chris Matthews: Good gravy. You’re about as sweaty as the bicycle seat in Caroline Rhea’s spin class. How about Scooter Libby? Will the President issue him a pardon, or what?
Scott McClellan: Look, this is an ongoing investigation, and, as such, I will not comment or speculate as to what the President may or may not do!
Chris Matthews: So that’s a no?
Scott McClellan: I cannot comment. Ongoing.
Chris Matthews: So that’s a yes?
Scott McClellan: Ongoing.
Chris Matthews: Is there anything you can comment on?
Scott McClellan: Of course, Chris, of course. I can’t comment on things that are nongoing or never have gone or things that won’t go. [ ] Is there air conditioning I can turn on here somewhere?
Chris Matthews: Good lord, McClellan, I haven’t seen fluid shoot out of a guy like that since I took a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings. [ audience applauds wildly ] As Republicans dig themselves deeper and deeper into a political hole, one question remains – what are the Democrats planning to do in order to blow it? Here to offer her two cents is House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.
[ tag: “Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader” ]
Nancy Pelosi: It’s nice to be here.
Chris Matthews: Nah, it’s not. Miss Pelosi, the Bush administration is in turmoil, top Republican leaders are under indictment, and the Vice President’s top priority seems to be getting the go-ahead to attach a car battery to a man’s nipples. Yet, despite all this, the Democrats have stayed relatively quiet. What are the Democrats proposing to counteract all this corruption?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s easy, Chris. We’re going to do nothing.
Chris Matthews: You’re going to do nothing?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s right. And here’s why. We’ve learned that whenever we do anything, people hate us. In fact, our studies have shown that John Kerry would have won in a landslide if he just never said or did anything, ever.
Chris Matthews: I gotta say, I like your style.
Nancy Pelosi: It’s not like we still don’t have ideas, Chris, we do. It’s just that when we have something to say, we record it on tape, put those tapes in a box and we put that box in the garbage. It’s really working for us.
Chris Matthews: Joining us now to provide a historical perspective on the issue of torture is former Senator and current danger to himself, Zell Miller. Go!
[ tag: “Zell Miller, Former Senator/Fox News Correspondent ]
Zell Miller: [ screaming ] Torture! Ahhh, fooie! Where I come from, if we wanted to get a man to talk, we had our waaaays! And I ain’t gonna say what them ways was, but suffice it to say, that nearly all of them involve blacksmithing tools and the genitals. I got neeews for you, Matthewwws! If it wasn’t for doing weird stuff to a man’s genitals, we’d all be speaking Korean right now!
Chris Matthews: You’ve done it again. Final thoughts, Horshack!
Scott McClellan: [ confused ] Horshack? I don’t get it.
Chris Matthews: He was a Sweathog.
Scott McClellan: [ the lightbulb in his head clicks ] Oh, I get it. Nice. Nice.
Chris Matthews: Alright. Anything you care to not comment on?
Scott McClellan: [ wiping his brow ] Well, I’d rather not comment at this time, as time, as a very concept, is ongoing.
Chris Matthews: Nancy Pelosi, anything to add to McClellan’s no comment?
[ cut to Nancy, who mimes zipping her lip and grinning ]
Chris Matthews: Zell Miller, don’t let me down.
Zell Miller: You put me in a roooom with an Al-Quaidaaa, a pair of pliers and a sack full of doorknobs, and I’ll get you what you need! I have ways of making a man talk, Matthews! And one of them is: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night!”
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