Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Good Morning Meth!
Chorus…..Amy Poehler, Will Forte
Renell Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Shirtless guy…..Jason Sudeikis
Chorus: Its sweeping the nation!
Its sweeping the nation!
From Eulenberg County to the Great Northwest,
Everybodys doing that crystal meth!
Ronald: [quickly] Hey everybody! Welcome back to Good MorningMeth, the only talk show dedicated to crystal meth and the methlifestyle. Used to be a morning show, then it turned into amorning-and-afternoon show, then it turned into amorning-afternoon-and-evening show! Now we just leave the cameras onall the time, cause we dont sleep, yall!
Patti: [offscreen] Introduce me!
Ronald: Uh, I want to introduce my cohost
Patti: Whoo![Shot widens to include Patti, whose bare feet rest comfortably on thetable in front of her. A shirtless guy is hunched over the corner ofthe couch, next to her, and he doesnt move]
Ronald: She- shes my girlfriend, the mother of my kids, and acouple other kids, and she also enjoys crank. Please welcome Patti!
Patti: [suddenly speaking in a cheery morning-show voice]Heeyyyyy! Good morning! [rubs her hands on her shirt]
Ronald: Over the last four years, weve met people from all walksof life, uh, who enjoy grinding up asthma medicine, boiling it inkerosene and ingesting it.
Patti: I enjoy it because it makes me feel positive, confident,and sexy! [Patti has several burn marks on her face, and hercrooked teeth force her to speak with a lisp]
Ronald: Our next guest does it for gay reasons. Please welcomeRenell Williams!
Renell Williams: I cant stay long, you guys. I have a friend inthe car, and he needs to get to the emergency room.
Ronald: Who doesnt, Renell? So, why do you enjoy ice?
Renell Williams: Well, meth helps me with my social anxietydisorder. You see, when Im on meth, I can do sex with people that if Iwere not on meth I would never do it with because they aredisgusting.
Patti: I use it to help control my weight problem. I mean, lookat me six months ago![Cut to a photo of Patti from six months ago. She looks just fine]
Ronald: And I take it to unwind before a long day of school busdriving.
Renell Williams: You know, actually, I am in the process ofquitting, cause I dont wanna lose my teeth, because people have alwaystold me that my teeth are my strong suit. [smiles to show four teethwith large gaps between them]
And also, sometimes when youre tweakin, and youre doin it withpeople, they try to kill you!
Ronald: Renell, that is justthat is just anti-meth propaganda. Ive only seen that happen four or five times.
NOT NOW, KEITH!
Keith: THEN WHEN?
Ronald: NOT NOW, YOU CANT
Keith: THEN WHEN??
Ronald: YOU CANT VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!
Patti: [screaming] DONT VACUUM NOW, KEITH!! LATER!! LATER!![Keith drops the handle to the vacuum cleaner, but it continues to run. Patti firmly puts her hands over her ears]
Ronald: Thats Keith. He used to be an accountant, but now,thanks to meth, he can take a VCR apart in six minutes for no reason! Hes gonna be back later showin us how to take VCRs apart for noreason. Now its time for In the Kitchen With Patti.
Patti: Whoo![Patti jumps up and runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, asstereotypical 1950s homemaking music plays. JJ stands, motionless,smiling and pointing to several bottles in front of him. Patti crashesinto JJ. The vacuum cleaner can still be heard]
Hey! KEITH, NOT NOW WITH THE VACUUM!!
Keith: [offscreen] THEN WHEN??
Patti: NO!!! [The vacuum cleaner shuts off. Remembering thecameras on her, Patti speaks in a morning-show voice again] Hello. Ron- Ronald, Im here with my friend JJ. Hes gonna show us someholiday meth pipes. How you doin today, JJ?
JJ: I rule this town, I rule![JJ and Patti laugh rapidly]
Patti: That is true, cause until recently, JJ was the mayor…OK JJ, tell us what you got here. It all smells so good![As JJ speaks, Patti responds with a barrage of nonstop Uh-huhs]
JJ: Well I took some Pert Plus, sautéed it with some, uh,Sudafed, strained it through this adult diaper, and it comes out as apaste.
Patti: Whens it gonna be ready?
JJ: Approximately 48 hours!
Patti: OK, Im gonna wait right here! Back to you, Ronald![Patti lets out a loud, happy sigh as she inhales the fumes. Cut backto the couch, as Ronald stares nervously into the camera]
Ronald: [whispering] I cant talk right now because the shadowpeople are right behind the couch, and theyre tryin to find my address[Cut back to the kitchen. JJ and Patti are both clearly frightened, astheir lips quiver uncontrollably. Cut back to the couch]
Renell Williams: See now, this paranoia I will not miss. Iwill miss having four days of nonstop unprotected intercoursewith strangers at the Pentaround Parkway rest stop, OK?[Renell grins again. Keith reenters with his vacuum cleaner]
Ronald: NOT NOW, KEITH!!
Keith: THEN WHEN??
Ronald: THE SHOWS ON, YOU CANT VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!
Keith: THEN WHEN?? I GOTTA RUN THE VACUUM ON THAT RUG!![Ronald calms down]
Ronald: Coming up in the next nine hours, Im gonna stabsomebody, and maybe well find out who this guy is![He points to the shirtless guy. That guy suddenly jumps up, makesseveral karate chops, and runs out of the room. Cut to an outdoor shotof the shack, which suddenly explodes. The theme music plays again asthe shows logo appears]
Ronald V/O: Uh-oh. This dont look right.[cheers and applause; fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo