SNL Transcripts: Jason Lee: 11/12/05: Good Morning Meth!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Good Morning Meth!

Chorus…..Amy Poehler, Will Forte
Ronald…..Jason Lee
Patti…..Any Poehler
Renell Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Keith…..Will Forte
JJ…..Bill Hader
Shirtless guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[Fade up on a shack in the middle of a dirt road. As the “Good MorningMeth” logo fades in, the theme song plays]

Chorus: It’s sweeping the nation!
It’s sweeping the nation!
From Eulenberg County to the Great Northwest,
Everybody’s doing that crystal meth!

[Dissolve to the living room, as Ronald, seated on a couch, is shakingin all directions. Regardless, he still has a wide smile as headdresses the camera]

Ronald: [quickly] Hey everybody! Welcome back to “Good MorningMeth,” the only talk show dedicated to crystal meth and the methlifestyle. Used to be a morning show, then it turned into amorning-and-afternoon show, then it turned into amorning-afternoon-and-evening show! Now we just leave the cameras onall the time, ‘cause we don’t sleep, y’all!

Patti: [offscreen] Introduce me!

Ronald: Uh, I want to introduce my cohost—

Patti: Whoo!

[Shot widens to include Patti, whose bare feet rest comfortably on thetable in front of her. A shirtless guy is hunched over the corner ofthe couch, next to her, and he doesn’t move]

Ronald: She- she’s my girlfriend, the mother of my kids, and acouple other kids, and she also enjoys crank. Please welcome Patti!

Patti: [suddenly speaking in a cheery morning-show voice]Heeyyyyy! Good morning! [rubs her hands on her shirt]

Ronald: Over the last four years, we’ve met people from all walksof life, uh, who enjoy grinding up asthma medicine, boiling it inkerosene and ingesting it.

Patti: I enjoy it because it makes me feel positive, confident,and sexy! [Patti has several burn marks on her face, and hercrooked teeth force her to speak with a lisp]

Ronald: Our next guest does it for gay reasons. Please welcomeRenell Williams!

Patti: Whoo!

[Ronald stands, and as Renell enters, both shake each other vigorously. Meanwhile, Patti stands up, turns around in a circle, and sits backdown again]

Renell Williams: I can’t stay long, you guys. I have a friend inthe car, and he needs to get to the emergency room.

Ronald: Who doesn’t, Renell? So, why do you enjoy ice?

Renell Williams: Well, meth helps me with my social anxietydisorder. You see, when I’m on meth, I can do sex with people that if Iwere not on meth I would never do it with because they aredisgusting.

Patti: I use it to help control my weight problem. I mean, lookat me six months ago!

[Cut to a photo of Patti from six months ago. She looks just fine]

Ugh, disgusting!

Ronald: And I take it to unwind before a long day of school busdriving.

Patti: Whoo!

Renell Williams: You know, actually, I am in the process ofquitting, ‘cause I don’t wanna lose my teeth, because people have alwaystold me that my teeth are my strong suit. [smiles to show four teethwith large gaps between them]

And also, sometimes when you’re tweakin,’ and you’re doin’ it withpeople, they try to kill you!

Ronald: Renell, that is just—that is just anti-meth propaganda. I’ve only seen that happen four or five times.

[Keith enters, running a loud vacuum cleaner behind the couch]

NOT NOW, KEITH!

Keith: THEN WHEN?

Ronald: NOT NOW, YOU CAN’T—

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Patti: [screaming] DON’T VACUUM NOW, KEITH!! LATER!! LATER!!

[Keith drops the handle to the vacuum cleaner, but it continues to run. Patti firmly puts her hands over her ears]

Ronald: That’s Keith. He used to be an accountant, but now,thanks to meth, he can take a VCR apart in six minutes for no reason! He’s gonna be back later showin’ us how to take VCRs apart for noreason. Now it’s time for “In the Kitchen With Patti.”

Patti: Whoo!

[Patti jumps up and runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, asstereotypical 1950s homemaking music plays. JJ stands, motionless,smiling and pointing to several bottles in front of him. Patti crashesinto JJ. The vacuum cleaner can still be heard]

Hey! KEITH, NOT NOW WITH THE VACUUM!!

Keith: [offscreen] THEN WHEN??

Patti: NO!!! [The vacuum cleaner shuts off. Remembering thecamera’s on her, Patti speaks in a morning-show voice again] Hello. Ron- Ronald, I’m here with my friend JJ. He’s gonna show us someholiday meth pipes. How you doin’ today, JJ?

JJ: I rule this town, I rule!

[JJ and Patti laugh rapidly]

Patti: That is true, ‘cause until recently, JJ was the mayor…OK JJ, tell us what you got here. It all smells so good!

[As JJ speaks, Patti responds with a barrage of nonstop “Uh-huh”s]

JJ: Well I took some Pert Plus, sautéed it with some, uh,Sudafed, strained it through this adult diaper, and it comes out as apaste.

Patti: When’s it gonna be ready?

JJ: Approximately 48 hours!

Patti: OK, I’m gonna wait right here! Back to you, Ronald!

[Patti lets out a loud, happy sigh as she inhales the fumes. Cut backto the couch, as Ronald stares nervously into the camera]

Ronald: [whispering] I can’t talk right now because the shadowpeople are right behind the couch, and they’re tryin’ to find my address…

[Cut back to the kitchen. JJ and Patti are both clearly frightened, astheir lips quiver uncontrollably. Cut back to the couch]

Renell Williams: See now, this paranoia I will not miss. Iwill miss having four days of nonstop unprotected intercoursewith strangers at the Pentaround Parkway rest stop, OK?

[Renell grins again. Keith reenters with his vacuum cleaner]

Ronald: NOT NOW, KEITH!!

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: THE SHOW’S ON, YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Keith: THEN WHEN?? I GOTTA RUN THE VACUUM ON THAT RUG!!

[Ronald calms down]

Ronald: Coming up in the next nine hours, I’m gonna stabsomebody, and maybe we’ll find out who this guy is!

[He points to the shirtless guy. That guy suddenly jumps up, makesseveral karate chops, and runs out of the room. Cut to an outdoor shotof the shack, which suddenly explodes. The theme music plays again asthe show’s logo appears]

Ronald V/O: Uh-oh. This don’t look right.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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