Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Jason Lee’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jason Lee.
Jason Lee: Thank you very much! [ audience cheers ] Yes! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight! A lot of you may know me from my new show: “My Name Is Earl.” [ audience cheers louder ] But what some of you may not know about me is that, before I set out to grow one of the most powerful moustaches in television history, I was actually a professional skateboarder. Here, take a look.
[ cut to video clips, which open on a close-up of a clean-shaven Jason Lee, then rapidly cut to him performing various skateboarding tricks ]
Jason Lee V/O: See, that’s me, back in the day, in the classic skate video, “1991’s Video Days.”
[ audience applauds as the video dissolves back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]
Jason Lee: Thank you. When I got here, I thought, “What better way to get to know the guys than to take them out skateboarding.” They were really enthusiastic, and it was a lot of fun.
[ dissolve to the video of the day’s excursion, Jason already performing some skateboarding tricks on various high ramps ]
Jason Lee V/O: There I am at Riverside Skate Park, right here in New York City.
[ cut to Jason looking up at Fred Armisen, posed atop the skateboarding ramp ]
Jason Lee V/O: Okay, first up was Fred. I offered to give him pointers, but he didn’t want them.
[ Fred glides down the ramp. Cut to reveal his mangled body lying flat on the ground. ]
Jason Lee V/O: I didn’t know arms could bend that way.
[ cut to Andy Samberg posed before a metal bar separating two ramps ]
Jason Lee V/O: There’s my man, Andy Samberg, the new guy. Promising young kid.
[ Andy jumps his skateboard into the air, then lands on his crotch on a metal bar by the steps ]
Jason Lee V/O: He almost had it.
[ cut to Kenan Thompson gliding across the concrete on his skateboard ]
Jason Lee V/O: Here we have Kenan. He was such a good sport.
[ Kenan rolls his skateboard through a brick wall covered in grafitti. Finesse Mitchell reacts by removing his helmet and walking away from the action. ]
Jason Lee V/O: Weirdly, after that, Finesse wasn’t so into skateboarding.
[ cut to Horatio Sanz standing next to Jason in front of a huge skateboarding ramp ]
Jason Lee V/O: Horatio Sanz. Most people think a big guy like that can’t be a good skater.
[ Horatio glides toward the ramp, then quick cuts of his body falling back and the skateboard flying through the air ]
[ Horatio steps back to Jason, with the skateboard pierced from his back to his stomach ]
Jason Lee V/O: Well, they might be right.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels approaching Jason ]
Jason Lee V/O: Believe it or not, even Lorne showed up. He said he used to skate pools in the ’70s. So I asked if he wanted to give it a shot.
[ Lorne appears relunctant at first, then coolly accepts the skateboard from Jason’s hands ]
[ naturally, Lorne can skate circles around his cast, performing jumps across ramps and spinning through mid-air with powerful precision ]
[ cut to Lorne casually returning the skateboard to Jason ]
Jason Lee V/O: He was pretty good.
[ dissolve back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]
Jason Lee: Well, we had a great time skating, and we’re going to have even more fun tonight. Foo Fighters are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
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