Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
I Love Pie
Ted…..Jason Lee
Brad…..Will Forte
Phil Brook…..Kenan Thompson
Lisa…..Rachel Dratch
Cheryl…..Amy Poehler
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen
[ open on employees sitting at two different tables in the office lunch room ]
Ted: I’m gonna need to really up my numbers this month to stay on Phil Brook’s good side. [ glances at the man sitting next to him, who smirks back ]
Brad: I didn’t know Phil Brook had a good side.
Phil Brook: [ chuckles along with Brad ] Oh, you know what, Brad, Ted? If you guys could remember to get your feedback slips into Human Resources by Friday, I’d really appreciate it.
Lisa: Hey, I’m gonna go check on the dessert table – anyone want anything?
Ted: No, but tell us what they have, Lisa.
[ Lisa exits towards the back of the room ]
Cheryl: [ leans over from the next table ] Hey, Brad? Could you be sure to order me another stapler? I really need it to staple my papers together.
Brad: [ smiles ] I’m on the case, Cheryl.
[ Lisa re-enters, her face beaming with excitement ]
Ted: Well, what’d they have?
[ Lisa break into a song, as the lunch room lights dim and a colorful pastel of lights pots up in its place ]
Lisa:
“There were brownies and sweets, of all shapes and sizes
And cookies, as big as your head!
There were tubs of ice cream, and many surprises
And even some cream pie for Ted!”
Ted: [ singing ] “I love pi-i-i-i-i-eeee!”
Lisa:
“There was butt-er-scotch pudding, with a touch of whipped cream
And strawberry shortcake –“
Brad: It sounds like a dream!
Lisa:
“And the cake. Oh, the ca-a-a-a-ake
Gather ’round, for the cake.”
[ Cheryl and Bill join the circle of co-workers at the main table ]
Lisa: “There was chocolate cream layer, and coconut, too –“
Bill: “Were there kosher cakes, also, if I were a Jew?”
Lisa: “Lemon, banana, and chocolate eclair!”
Cheryl: “The talk of des-sert. Makes me. Ting-le. Down. Therrrrrrrre!!”
[ Bill gives her an odd look ]
Cheryl: In my stomach! [ swats Bill for thinking such impure thoughts ] God.
Lisa:
“There were candy apples, so sticky and sweet
Blueberry crumble, and Rice Krispie treats!”
[ Fred joins the group ]
Fred: “Was there App-le Brown Bet-ty?”
Lisa: “I don’t know what that is!”
Phil Brook: Was there rasp-ber-ry streu-del, like when. I. Was. A. Ki-i-i-i-i-idddd? [ dramatic rest ]
Cheryl: “Was there tiramisu, or sweet creme brulee?”
Bill: “Or passion fruit pineapple-mango sorbet!”
Ted:
“And was there flaaaan? [ stands ]
Oh, was there flaaaan? [ takes Lisa’s hands ]
Was there sweet and creamy, slippery, dreamy flaaaan?”
Lisa: “Yes, Ted. There. Was –“
Together: “Flaaaaaaannnnn.”
[ one by one, everyone props their foot on their chair ]
Brad: “Could this really be true?”
Phil Brook: “Am I feeling this joy?”
Ted: “I haven’t felt like this, since I was a boy.”
Cheryl, Brad, Fred: “My life just got better, I’m no longer blue!”
All: “Oh Lisa, oh Lisa, is all of it true?”
[ everyone stands fully on their chairs, with trays raised to the sky ]
All: “?? some pies, and a layer cake, tooooooooo??!!”
[ dramatic pause ]
Lisa: No, you dumbasses! It’s oatmeal cookies and fruit cocktail, same as every day! [ blows them all a raspberry, then sits and leafs through a magazine ]
[ the dull lunch room lights pot back up, as everyone sullenly takes their seat at the table ]
All: [ droning lower and lower ] “Brown-ies and sweets.. of all shapes and size-es..”
Fred: Well. At least we can look out at that.. nice tree out there.
[ they all look outside the window, as a chain saw roars and the tree comes crashing down ]
[ defeated, everyone slumps in their seats ]
[ fade ]
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