Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Douglas Firth…..Seth Meyers
Deb Porter…..Rachel Dratch
Richard Hard…..Jason Lee
Gary Packer…..Chris Parnell
Clint Haverwood…..Fred Armisen
Vincent Vanderbone…..Bill Hader
Tony “The Wiener” McNamara…..Will Forte
Buford McNulty…..Horatio Sanz
Grandson 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Grandson 2…..Andy Sandberg
(Whistling theme music, display of photos with famouspeople and their moustaches: Burt Reynolds, Hulk Hogan,John Waters, The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi, RobReiner, Steve Harvey, Yanni. Show´s logo: “‘Stachin'”, bighandlebar underneath. Host sits with his guests,various kinds of moustaches hang from the walls.Douglas is in a suit and tie, has big curly moustache)
Douglas Firth: Welcome to ‘Stachin’. The show thatcelebrates America´s favorite facial hair, themoustache. I´m Douglas Firth and we got a great showfor you today. Let´s meet our panel. Adult film star,Richard Hard.
(Richard has loud, half bottomed Hawaiian shirt, perm, big moustache)
Richard Hard: Yo´.
Douglas Firth: Health club counter worker, Deb Porter.
(Deb has light but noticeable moustache)
Deb Porter: Thanks for having me.
Douglas Firth: And entrepreneur, Gary Packer.
(Gary has little Hitler-looking moustache)
Gary Packer: Good to be here.
Douglas Firth: Now Richard you are on a bit of a crusade. Tell us about it.
Richard Hard: Well, I noticed a disturbing trend inthe adult entertainment industry. (Caption: “RichardHard. Adult Film Star”) Of course, I´m talking about thealarming decrease of moustaches. In my day actors hadmoustaches and with those moustaches came class, dignityand nobility. I´m talking about men like ClintHaverwood (Photo of horny looking moustached Clint),Vincent Vanderbone (Photo of another moustached hornylooking actor), Tony “The Wiener” McNamara. (Photo ofTony in mid-orgasm, eyes rolled in the back of hishead). When you take the moustaches out of the pornmovies, all that´s left is sex. And let´s be honest,no one watches pornos for sex!People want moustaches,”WA-WA” guitar and scenes with pizza delivery men.That´s porno! That´s America!
Douglas Firth: Controversial stance. Now Deb, obviously you must feel pretty strongly about moustaches.
Deb Porter: What gave me away? (laughs) I guess I should explain why I´m here on ‘Stachin’. (Caption: “Deb Porter. Health Club Worker”) I just love a man with a moustache.
Douglas Firth: And when did you grow yours?
Deb Porter: Umm, I don´t know if I ever grew an affection for moustaches on men. I just think I was just born with it. (Giggles)
Douglas Firth: But what about your moustache?
Deb Porter: My own perfect moustache? Hmm, I love a man with a Magnum P.I.
Richard Hard: No, you have a moustache.
Deb Porter: A thing for moustaches? Guilty! (Laughs)
Richard Hard: (points) No, there´s a moustache on your face!
Deb Porter: Not now there isn´t but if you and I were smooching there would be! So lay it on me! (Leans towards Richard, Richard a little worried, curious look on Douglas)
Douglas Firth: Well, while we try to sort this out. Let´s hear a quick word from our sponsors.
(Cut to commercial. Commercial is of a moustached, grayhaired, grandpa-looking man in his mom and pop shop)
Buford McNulty: Some things never go out of style. Theway a pie tastes when it comes out of the oven. Yourold dog Red barking to come inside. The ticklishcomfort of a good old fashioned moustache ride. Hithere. I´m Buford McNulty. Here at McNaulty and Sonsmoustache ridery we´ve been offering moustache rides forover 50 years. Now 3 generations later not only have Igiven a lifetime of rides, I´m also lucky enough tohave my grandsons in the business as well. (Sleazylooking moustached guys join Buford) When we firstopened our doors moustaches rides were only 5 cents.There are a little more expensive now but it´s stillcheaper than taking the subway. So, come on downladies! There´s a seat waiting for you. (Grandsonsleave,music plays, the background turns into a graphicof the American flag waving, Buford sings) “Life´s awonderful journey with many twists and turns! Sowouldn´t you feel better, riding on amoustache!!” (Buford´s warm smile. Caption: “McNulty and Sons”)
Announcer: McNulty and Sons.
(Back to studio)
Douglas Firth: Welcome back. Now Gary, an interesting moustache choice.
Gary Packer: Ah, it´s not really a choice.
Douglas Firth: Care to elaborate.
Gary Packer: Umm, well I´ve always been a moustacheman. (Caption: “Gary Packer. Entrepreneur”) Up until a fewyears ago I had a healthy handlebar. Sadly, I wascaught in a fire. The flames burned away on mymoustache from both ends and cruelly, the skin beneathwill no longer grow hair.
Douglas Firth: So you´re left with what we see now.
Gary Packer: Yes. And I know that a lot of people incorrectly feel that it is making some sort of a political statement. Well, let me say this, the only statement I am making or have ever made is that I love moustaches.
Douglas Firth: Well, we at “‘Stachin'” applaud your courage.
Richard Hard: Right on bro´. You´re my hero.
Douglas Firth: If you don´t mind me asking. How did you get caught in a fire?
Gary Packer: I was burning down a synagogue.
Douglas Firth: We should move on.
Richard Hard: That´s a killer ‘stash you got there, Douglas. How did you get it so curly?
Douglas Firth: Well, after years of failures and disappointment in growing a moustache naturally, I had a grafting surgery that took hair from one part of my body and move it to my lip.
Richard Hard: What part?
Douglas Firth: I’d rather not say. Join us next week when my guests will be NFL coaches Bill Cowher, Andy Reid and Jeff Fisher. Thank You.
(Show’s whistling theme music plays. Caption: “‘Stachin’.”Another display of famous moustached guys: Sam Elliot,Steve Harvey, one dude from Dukes of Hazzard, Yanni)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel