SNL Transcripts: Jason Lee: 11/12/05: American Taser



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5






05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

American Taser

Representative #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Jason Sudeikis
Representative #2…..Darrell Hammond
Representative #3…..Seth Meyers
Female Consumer…..Amy Poehler
Housewife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Will Forte
Black Man #1…..Kenan Thompson
Striker…..Bill Hader
Black Man #2…..Finesse Mitchell
Nerd…..Andy Samberg
American Taser President…..Jason Lee

[ open on American Taser representative standing in front of an American Taser banner ]

Representative #1: We live in an uncertain and dangerous world. Protecting yourself is priority number one. That’s why we at American Taser have invented the Advanced Stunner X-47. Light-weight, but with enough electrical force to stop attackers in their tracks. Previously only available to law enforcement professionals, the X-47 can now be bought directly from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #1’s chestplate. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a police officer, steps into frame. ]

Police Officer: Nice try. But your safety is no joke. Hello, I’m Officer Kenny Banks of the Galveston Police Department. The X-47 stun gun from American Taser is not available to the public, despite what that man just said. By law, this model can only be operated by trained professionals.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Police Officer’s arm. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #2, steps into frame. ]

Representative #2: That’s why we over here at American Taser now offer up this model, the Thunderbolt – all the same power as the X-47, but completely legal to the public.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #2’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #3, steps into frame. ]

Representative #3: Sure, it’s legal, but do you really need all that power? What If you just need a few volts to knock a problem on its ass? And by “problem,” I mean “lady”; and by “ass,” I mean “ass.” The Electric Prowler 400 from American Taser gives new meaning to the words “Amorous Conquest.” I think you know what I’m talking about.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Representative #3’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a female consumer, steps into frame. ]

Female Consumer: What he’s talking about is sexual assault. American Taser recognizes the problem women face in today’s world, and that’s why there’s the Pink Pulse. Just because I run my own business, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to attackers.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Female Consumer’s arm ]

Female Consumer: [ as she runs off screen to stage right, stunned ] Whhhyy??!

[ The culprit, a housewife, steps into frame. ]

Housewife: What was that “I own my own business” line? Some people drive me nuts. Gosh, it’s great to know I can take them down if I need to. Thanks, American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against the side of housewife’s stomach. She drops to the ground as the culprit, her husband, steps into frame. ]

Husband: My wife. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just get her to shut up? Now I can. The Domesticator from American Taser. She’ll think twice before she opens her stupid pie hole.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the husband’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #1, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #1: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Well, good thing I have the new Quick Zap from American Taser – with three settings, including a safety trigger release, it’s simply the safest stun gun on the market.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Black Man #1’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, the Striker, steps into frame. ]

Striker: Is that man a criminal? We-e-e-ell, he sure looked like one. But how would you know? When you have to make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life or death, you need the Pre-emptive Striker from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the Striker’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #2, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #2: It’s unfortunate, but racial profiling is a very real factor in our society. If you’re a black man in today’s world, the best defense is a good offense. That’s why I never leave home without my —

[ a nerd jumps in from stage right and zaps a taser shaded like the Enterprise against Black Man #2’s shoulder ]

Black Man #2: [ as he drops to the ground ] Aaahhh! Mama!

Nerd: [ with a lisp ] Set phaser to “Stun”! Super cool “Star Trek” model stun gun lets you be the coolest guy in town! Thanks, American Taser.

[ American Taser President ambles in from stage left and zaps his taser against the Nerd’s shoulder, who promptly screams and drops to the ground ]

American Taser President: No, thank you, loyal customers. For 15 years, we at American Taser have led the way in electronic protection. With twelve different models to choose from, you’re sure to find a favorite that fits your style perfectly. My own favorite – you guessed it – the Boomerang 8000.

[ he points the taser against his stomach, zaps the volts into his body, and drops to the ground ] [ cut to American Taser graphic ]

Announcer: For all your taser needs, American Taser. Don’t let them get the drop on you. [ electric shock sound effect ] All right, that’s not cool.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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