Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
Representative #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Jason Sudeikis
Representative #2…..Darrell Hammond
Representative #3…..Seth Meyers
Female Consumer…..Amy Poehler
Black Man #1…..Kenan Thompson
Black Man #2…..Finesse Mitchell
American Taser President…..Jason Lee
Representative #1: We live in an uncertain and dangerous world. Protecting yourself is priority number one. That’s why we at American Taser have invented the Advanced Stunner X-47. Light-weight, but with enough electrical force to stop attackers in their tracks. Previously only available to law enforcement professionals, the X-47 can now be bought directly from American Taser.[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #1’s chestplate. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a police officer, steps into frame. ]
Police Officer: Nice try. But your safety is no joke. Hello, I’m Officer Kenny Banks of the Galveston Police Department. The X-47 stun gun from American Taser is not available to the public, despite what that man just said. By law, this model can only be operated by trained professionals.[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Police Officer’s arm. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #2, steps into frame. ]
Representative #2: That’s why we over here at American Taser now offer up this model, the Thunderbolt – all the same power as the X-47, but completely legal to the public.
Representative #3: Sure, it’s legal, but do you really need all that power? What If you just need a few volts to knock a problem on its ass? And by “problem,” I mean “lady”; and by “ass,” I mean “ass.” The Electric Prowler 400 from American Taser gives new meaning to the words “Amorous Conquest.” I think you know what I’m talking about.[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Representative #3’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a female consumer, steps into frame. ]
Female Consumer: What he’s talking about is sexual assault. American Taser recognizes the problem women face in today’s world, and that’s why there’s the Pink Pulse. Just because I run my own business, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to attackers.[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Female Consumer’s arm ]
Female Consumer: [ as she runs off screen to stage right, stunned ] Whhhyy??!
Housewife: What was that “I own my own business” line? Some people drive me nuts. Gosh, it’s great to know I can take them down if I need to. Thanks, American Taser.[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against the side of housewife’s stomach. She drops to the ground as the culprit, her husband, steps into frame. ]
Husband: My wife. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just get her to shut up? Now I can. The Domesticator from American Taser. She’ll think twice before she opens her stupid pie hole.[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the husband’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #1, steps into frame. ]
Black Man #1: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Well, good thing I have the new Quick Zap from American Taser – with three settings, including a safety trigger release, it’s simply the safest stun gun on the market.
Striker: Is that man a criminal? We-e-e-ell, he sure looked like one. But how would you know? When you have to make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life or death, you need the Pre-emptive Striker from American Taser.[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the Striker’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #2, steps into frame. ]
Black Man #2: It’s unfortunate, but racial profiling is a very real factor in our society. If you’re a black man in today’s world, the best defense is a good offense. That’s why I never leave home without my —[ a nerd jumps in from stage right and zaps a taser shaded like the Enterprise against Black Man #2’s shoulder ]
Black Man #2: [ as he drops to the ground ] Aaahhh! Mama!
Nerd: [ with a lisp ] Set phaser to “Stun”! Super cool “Star Trek” model stun gun lets you be the coolest guy in town! Thanks, American Taser.[ American Taser President ambles in from stage left and zaps his taser against the Nerd’s shoulder, who promptly screams and drops to the ground ]
American Taser President: No, thank you, loyal customers. For 15 years, we at American Taser have led the way in electronic protection. With twelve different models to choose from, you’re sure to find a favorite that fits your style perfectly. My own favorite – you guessed it – the Boomerang 8000.[ he points the taser against his stomach, zaps the volts into his body, and drops to the ground ] [ cut to American Taser graphic ]
Announcer: For all your taser needs, American Taser. Don’t let them get the drop on you. [ electric shock sound effect ] All right, that’s not cool.