SNL Transcripts: Jason Lee: 11/12/05: The Soaking Wet Killer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

The Soaking Wet Killer

Bernadette…..Kristin Wiig
Greg…..Jason Sudeikis
Soaking Wet Killer…..Jason Lee

[ open on car driving down a dark road at night ] [ dissolve to interior, Bernadette and Greg playing I-Spy as they drive ]

Greg: Oh, I don’t know, I give up. What is it?

Bernadette: It was the antenna.

Greg: [ laughing ] You got me again, Hon, you got me. All right. It’s my turn, it’s my turn. I spy with my little eyes.. something.. round.

Bernadette: The steering wheel?

Greg: Oh, yes! You got it. Again. What is the score?

Bernadette: 29 to 0.

Greg: Oh, you are killing me.

Bernadette: See If Rick Dees is on. I kind of want to boogie.

[ Greg turns the radio on ]

Radio Announcer: News Alert: convicted murderer John Quincy Leonard, AKA “The Soaking Wet Killer,” has escaped from Leavenworth Penitentary. I repeat, the Soaking Wet Killer has escaped.

Bernadette: What is the world coming to?

Greg: I don’t know.

Bernadette: [ pointing ] Oh, look, Greggy, a hitchhiker.

Greg: Oh, should we pick him up? [ stops the car ]

Bernadette: Oh, look at him, he’s soaking wet.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer enters the back seat of the car, looking wet and unpleasant, though Bernadette and Greg don’t recognize him as such ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hi.

Greg: Hey.

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks for stopping. Broke down.

Greg: Oh, okay.

Bernadette: Look at you, you’re soaking wet.

Greg: Honey.

Bernadette: Well —

Greg: Car trouble, huh? Is that the deal? Do you need me to give you a jump? I got these amazing cables from this little lady last June as a gift.

Bernadette: I get him a gift for Father’s Day since I can’t have children.

Greg: Well, Honey, we can’t have children.

[ they hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes ]

Bernadette: I love you.

Greg: I love you. [ turns to face the Soaking Wet Killer ] So, where’s your car?

Soaking Wet Killer: [ stutters nervously ] I-I was at a gas station. I overfilled the tires, and the car floated away.

Greg: Oh, isn’t that the worst?

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, can we just drive now?

Greg: Sure. [ resumes driving ]

Bernadette: Would you look at my manners? Would you like to change into some dry clothes? Greg, do you mind?

Greg: No, not a bit. No, there’s some clothes back there in the big suitcase.

Bernadette: Oh, not the small one, though. That one’s filled with cash.

Greg: Yeah, but not the real small one, either. That’s my gun.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a sweat suit and covers himself with it ]

Bernadette: I hate that he has it and I like that he has it.

Greg: Oh, Honey!

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks. I’m gonna need a little privacy. Do you mind not peeking back here?

Greg: Oh, sure, no, of course. Help yourself.

[ they keep their eyes locked straight ahead, as the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a wad of their mnoey and stuffs it into the sweat suit ]

Bernadette: Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? I’m worried.

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, I’m going to try to stay with a girlfriend.

Greg: Oh, good for you. Damn it. Hey, uf that doesn’t work out, you’re more than welcome to stay with us.

Bernadette: You know, why don’t I give you our home address?

Greg: That’s a great idea, Bernadette. Hey, but don’t bother coming by after Friday. We’re gonna be out of Town for four months.

Bernadette: Here you go. Would you mind dropping that sweat suit off at our house?

Greg: Yeah, we’d give you a key but we don’t lock our doors.

Bernadette: Don’t tell anyone.

Greg: Wait, Honey, we should warn him about Nick, who’s gonna be house-sitting.

Soaking Wet Killer: Some dude’s gonna be there?

Bernadette: Oh, no, Nick is short for Nicole. She’s our 19-year-old niece.

Greg: Uh-huh, yep. Such a sweet girl.

Bernadette: A little wild.

Greg: And easily misled.

Bernadette: You know, there’s a picture of her back there in that “Maxim” Magazine.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ looks at the magazine lying in the back seat ] She’s something.

Greg: Oh, she sure is. She’s an inspiration. She’s blind.

Bernadette: She’s a blind model. And she’ll be staying at our house.

Greg: While we’re out of the country, for a third of the year.

Soaking Wet Killer: You know what? You can just drop me off up here. I’m all set.

Greg: All right. [ stops the car ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hey, I just wanted to say, you guys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Bernadette: You’re sweet.

Greg: You are too nice. Seriously, I feel the same way.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ yelling ] Just shut up and listen! You guys have honestly changed the course of my life, and I’ll never forget you.

Bernadette: Oh, I feel like this is good-bye.

Soaking Wet Killer: Ah, trust me. It’s not. [ steps out of the car ]

Greg: Oh, okay. All right. See you later. [ notices the Soaking Wet Killer carrying a gun ] Hey, look at that, I got the same gun! Small world! [ resumes driving again ]

Bernadette: What a sweet, sweet man.

Greg: He really was. You know, I liked his moustache.

Bernadette: So, is Nicole’s boyfriend going to be staying with her?

Greg: Mmm, yeah, yeah. He just got suspended from his pro-wrestling job for steroid use, so he’s really wound up.

Bernadette: That’s too bad. At least they can spend some time together.

Greg: Mmm-hmm, yeah. So, is she going to bring her pit bulls with her?

Bernadette: Uh-huh, yeah, all seven.

Greg: Oh, good, good.

Bernadette: [ points out window ] Oh! Punch bug! [ punches Greg’s arm ]

Greg: Oh, Honey.

Bernadette: Well.

[ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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