Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 5
The Soaking Wet Killer
Soaking Wet Killer…..Jason Lee
[ open on car driving down a dark road at night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bernadette and Greg playing I-Spy as they drive ]
Greg: Oh, I don’t know, I give up. What is it?
Bernadette: It was the antenna.
Greg: [ laughing ] You got me again, Hon, you got me. All right. It’s my turn, it’s my turn. I spy with my little eyes.. something.. round.
Bernadette: The steering wheel?
Greg: Oh, yes! You got it. Again. What is the score?
Bernadette: 29 to 0.
Greg: Oh, you are killing me.
Bernadette: See If Rick Dees is on. I kind of want to boogie.
[ Greg turns the radio on ]
Radio Announcer: News Alert: convicted murderer John Quincy Leonard, AKA “The Soaking Wet Killer,” has escaped from Leavenworth Penitentary. I repeat, the Soaking Wet Killer has escaped.
Bernadette: What is the world coming to?
Greg: I don’t know.
Bernadette: [ pointing ] Oh, look, Greggy, a hitchhiker.
Greg: Oh, should we pick him up? [ stops the car ]
Bernadette: Oh, look at him, he’s soaking wet.
[ the Soaking Wet Killer enters the back seat of the car, looking wet and unpleasant, though Bernadette and Greg don’t recognize him as such ]
Soaking Wet Killer: Hi.
Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks for stopping. Broke down.
Greg: Oh, okay.
Bernadette: Look at you, you’re soaking wet.
Bernadette: Well —
Greg: Car trouble, huh? Is that the deal? Do you need me to give you a jump? I got these amazing cables from this little lady last June as a gift.
Bernadette: I get him a gift for Father’s Day since I can’t have children.
Greg: Well, Honey, we can’t have children.
[ they hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes ]
Bernadette: I love you.
Greg: I love you. [ turns to face the Soaking Wet Killer ] So, where’s your car?
Soaking Wet Killer: [ stutters nervously ] I-I was at a gas station. I overfilled the tires, and the car floated away.
Greg: Oh, isn’t that the worst?
Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, can we just drive now?
Greg: Sure. [ resumes driving ]
Bernadette: Would you look at my manners? Would you like to change into some dry clothes? Greg, do you mind?
Greg: No, not a bit. No, there’s some clothes back there in the big suitcase.
Bernadette: Oh, not the small one, though. That one’s filled with cash.
Greg: Yeah, but not the real small one, either. That’s my gun.
[ the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a sweat suit and covers himself with it ]
Bernadette: I hate that he has it and I like that he has it.
Greg: Oh, Honey!
Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks. I’m gonna need a little privacy. Do you mind not peeking back here?
Greg: Oh, sure, no, of course. Help yourself.
[ they keep their eyes locked straight ahead, as the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a wad of their mnoey and stuffs it into the sweat suit ]
Bernadette: Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? I’m worried.
Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, I’m going to try to stay with a girlfriend.
Greg: Oh, good for you. Damn it. Hey, uf that doesn’t work out, you’re more than welcome to stay with us.
Bernadette: You know, why don’t I give you our home address?
Greg: That’s a great idea, Bernadette. Hey, but don’t bother coming by after Friday. We’re gonna be out of Town for four months.
Bernadette: Here you go. Would you mind dropping that sweat suit off at our house?
Greg: Yeah, we’d give you a key but we don’t lock our doors.
Bernadette: Don’t tell anyone.
Greg: Wait, Honey, we should warn him about Nick, who’s gonna be house-sitting.
Soaking Wet Killer: Some dude’s gonna be there?
Bernadette: Oh, no, Nick is short for Nicole. She’s our 19-year-old niece.
Greg: Uh-huh, yep. Such a sweet girl.
Bernadette: A little wild.
Greg: And easily misled.
Bernadette: You know, there’s a picture of her back there in that “Maxim” Magazine.
Soaking Wet Killer: [ looks at the magazine lying in the back seat ] She’s something.
Greg: Oh, she sure is. She’s an inspiration. She’s blind.
Bernadette: She’s a blind model. And she’ll be staying at our house.
Greg: While we’re out of the country, for a third of the year.
Soaking Wet Killer: You know what? You can just drop me off up here. I’m all set.
Greg: All right. [ stops the car ]
Soaking Wet Killer: Hey, I just wanted to say, you guys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Bernadette: You’re sweet.
Greg: You are too nice. Seriously, I feel the same way.
Soaking Wet Killer: [ yelling ] Just shut up and listen! You guys have honestly changed the course of my life, and I’ll never forget you.
Bernadette: Oh, I feel like this is good-bye.
Soaking Wet Killer: Ah, trust me. It’s not. [ steps out of the car ]
Greg: Oh, okay. All right. See you later. [ notices the Soaking Wet Killer carrying a gun ] Hey, look at that, I got the same gun! Small world! [ resumes driving again ]
Bernadette: What a sweet, sweet man.
Greg: He really was. You know, I liked his moustache.
Bernadette: So, is Nicole’s boyfriend going to be staying with her?
Greg: Mmm, yeah, yeah. He just got suspended from his pro-wrestling job for steroid use, so he’s really wound up.
Bernadette: That’s too bad. At least they can spend some time together.
Greg: Mmm-hmm, yeah. So, is she going to bring her pit bulls with her?
Bernadette: Uh-huh, yeah, all seven.
Greg: Oh, good, good.
Bernadette: [ points out window ] Oh! Punch bug! [ punches Greg’s arm ]
Greg: Oh, Honey.
[ fade ]