SNL Transcripts: Jason Lee: 11/12/05: The Soaking Wet Killer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

The Soaking Wet Killer

Bernadette…..Kristin Wiig
Greg…..Jason Sudeikis
Soaking Wet Killer…..Jason Lee

[ open on car driving down a dark road at night ] [ dissolve to interior, Bernadette and Greg playing I-Spy as they drive ]

Greg: Oh, I don’t know, I give up. What is it?

Bernadette: It was the antenna.

Greg: [ laughing ] You got me again, Hon, you got me. All right. It’s my turn, it’s my turn. I spy with my little eyes.. something.. round.

Bernadette: The steering wheel?

Greg: Oh, yes! You got it. Again. What is the score?

Bernadette: 29 to 0.

Greg: Oh, you are killing me.

Bernadette: See If Rick Dees is on. I kind of want to boogie.

[ Greg turns the radio on ]

Radio Announcer: News Alert: convicted murderer John Quincy Leonard, AKA “The Soaking Wet Killer,” has escaped from Leavenworth Penitentary. I repeat, the Soaking Wet Killer has escaped.

Bernadette: What is the world coming to?

Greg: I don’t know.

Bernadette: [ pointing ] Oh, look, Greggy, a hitchhiker.

Greg: Oh, should we pick him up? [ stops the car ]

Bernadette: Oh, look at him, he’s soaking wet.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer enters the back seat of the car, looking wet and unpleasant, though Bernadette and Greg don’t recognize him as such ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hi.

Greg: Hey.

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks for stopping. Broke down.

Greg: Oh, okay.

Bernadette: Look at you, you’re soaking wet.

Greg: Honey.

Bernadette: Well —

Greg: Car trouble, huh? Is that the deal? Do you need me to give you a jump? I got these amazing cables from this little lady last June as a gift.

Bernadette: I get him a gift for Father’s Day since I can’t have children.

Greg: Well, Honey, we can’t have children.

[ they hold hands and stare into one another’s eyes ]

Bernadette: I love you.

Greg: I love you. [ turns to face the Soaking Wet Killer ] So, where’s your car?

Soaking Wet Killer: [ stutters nervously ] I-I was at a gas station. I overfilled the tires, and the car floated away.

Greg: Oh, isn’t that the worst?

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, can we just drive now?

Greg: Sure. [ resumes driving ]

Bernadette: Would you look at my manners? Would you like to change into some dry clothes? Greg, do you mind?

Greg: No, not a bit. No, there’s some clothes back there in the big suitcase.

Bernadette: Oh, not the small one, though. That one’s filled with cash.

Greg: Yeah, but not the real small one, either. That’s my gun.

[ the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a sweat suit and covers himself with it ]

Bernadette: I hate that he has it and I like that he has it.

Greg: Oh, Honey!

Soaking Wet Killer: Thanks. I’m gonna need a little privacy. Do you mind not peeking back here?

Greg: Oh, sure, no, of course. Help yourself.

[ they keep their eyes locked straight ahead, as the Soaking Wet Killer grabs a wad of their mnoey and stuffs it into the sweat suit ]

Bernadette: Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? I’m worried.

Soaking Wet Killer: Yeah, I’m going to try to stay with a girlfriend.

Greg: Oh, good for you. Damn it. Hey, uf that doesn’t work out, you’re more than welcome to stay with us.

Bernadette: You know, why don’t I give you our home address?

Greg: That’s a great idea, Bernadette. Hey, but don’t bother coming by after Friday. We’re gonna be out of Town for four months.

Bernadette: Here you go. Would you mind dropping that sweat suit off at our house?

Greg: Yeah, we’d give you a key but we don’t lock our doors.

Bernadette: Don’t tell anyone.

Greg: Wait, Honey, we should warn him about Nick, who’s gonna be house-sitting.

Soaking Wet Killer: Some dude’s gonna be there?

Bernadette: Oh, no, Nick is short for Nicole. She’s our 19-year-old niece.

Greg: Uh-huh, yep. Such a sweet girl.

Bernadette: A little wild.

Greg: And easily misled.

Bernadette: You know, there’s a picture of her back there in that “Maxim” Magazine.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ looks at the magazine lying in the back seat ] She’s something.

Greg: Oh, she sure is. She’s an inspiration. She’s blind.

Bernadette: She’s a blind model. And she’ll be staying at our house.

Greg: While we’re out of the country, for a third of the year.

Soaking Wet Killer: You know what? You can just drop me off up here. I’m all set.

Greg: All right. [ stops the car ]

Soaking Wet Killer: Hey, I just wanted to say, you guys are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Bernadette: You’re sweet.

Greg: You are too nice. Seriously, I feel the same way.

Soaking Wet Killer: [ yelling ] Just shut up and listen! You guys have honestly changed the course of my life, and I’ll never forget you.

Bernadette: Oh, I feel like this is good-bye.

Soaking Wet Killer: Ah, trust me. It’s not. [ steps out of the car ]

Greg: Oh, okay. All right. See you later. [ notices the Soaking Wet Killer carrying a gun ] Hey, look at that, I got the same gun! Small world! [ resumes driving again ]

Bernadette: What a sweet, sweet man.

Greg: He really was. You know, I liked his moustache.

Bernadette: So, is Nicole’s boyfriend going to be staying with her?

Greg: Mmm, yeah, yeah. He just got suspended from his pro-wrestling job for steroid use, so he’s really wound up.

Bernadette: That’s too bad. At least they can spend some time together.

Greg: Mmm-hmm, yeah. So, is she going to bring her pit bulls with her?

Bernadette: Uh-huh, yeah, all seven.

Greg: Oh, good, good.

Bernadette: [ points out window ] Oh! Punch bug! [ punches Greg’s arm ]

Greg: Oh, Honey.

Bernadette: Well.

[ fade ]

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