SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


November 19th, 2005

Eva Longoria



Fox News Special ReportSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) is relunctant to answer questions about the war in Iraq while visiting China.

Recurring Characters: Brit Hume, President George W. Bush, Wolf Blitzer, Terry Moran.

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Eva Longoria’s MonologueSummary: Eva Longoria introduces the disembodied voice of Mary Alice (Kristin Wiig) to Don Pardo (Darrell Hammond).

Bio: Eva Longoria (1975-). Mexican-American actress; former Miss Corpus Christi; stars on ABC’s “Desperate Housewives”.


Totally Rad Smoke Detector 3000Summary: No more annoying sirens while your house burns, thanks to the sounds of the 80’s!

Note: Repeat from 10/29/05.

The SpammiesSummary: Awards are distributed for the year’s best junk e-mail.

Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) mocks the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.

Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee.


Morgan StanleySummary: Morgan Stanley broker (Will Forte) berates his timid client’s (Fred Armisen) boisterous daughter (Amy Poehler) after school.

Note: Repeat from 10/01/05.

The NeedlersSummary: The argumentive behavior of Sally (Amy Poehler) and Dan Needler (Seth Meyers) continues at their college reunion, where they run into a former minor flame (Eva Longoria) of Dan’s who’s now a marriage counselor.

Recurring Characters: Sally Needler, Dan Needler.


Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1958 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Clark Gable (Darrell Hammond), Alfred Hitchcock (Horatio Sanz), a drunken Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) and Ricky Ricardo (Fred Armisen) and Lucille Ball (Eva Longoria).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Clark Gable, Alfred Hitchcock, Judy Garland, Ricky Ricardo, Lucille Ball.

Note: The house lights dim prematurely as Judy Garland (Kristin Wiig) clutches the portrait of George Washington.


Korn performs “Twisted Transistor”Bio: Alternative metal group, often credited with the onset of the nu metal genre that began to take shape in the mid 1990s; members: Jonathan Houseman “HIV” Davis (vocals, bagpipes), Reginald Quincy “Fieldy” Arvizu (bass), David Randall Silveria (drums, percussion), and James Christian “Munky” Shaffer (guitar, backing vocals).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Ohio Republican Jean Schmidt (Rachel Dratch) is booed out of the House of Representatives for making scandalous remarks. Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces smaller and smaller I-Pods that hold more and more songs as they shrink.


What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo ShootSummary: Chaos and high demands rule, as “Desperate Housewives” stars Teri Hatcher (Eva Longoria), Marcia Cross (Amy Poehler), Eva Longoria (Rachel Dratch), Felicity Huffman (Kristin Wiig), and Nicolette Sheridan (Seth Meyers) gather poolside for the Vanity Fair photo shoot.


Trapped in the Closet TwoSummary: R. Kelly’s (Finsesse Mitchell) reality show is spoofed with extended installments.


The Englehart FiveSummary: The majority of the German family quartet’s songs focus on the negligent homicide of their fifth sibling, Klaus.


Korn performs “Freak on a Leash”

FirmiumSummary: Eva Longoria promotes the pill she uses to prevent embarrassing diarrhea while taping “Desperate Housewives.”




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Doctor’s VisitSummary: A doctor (Seth Meyers) warns Shakira (Eva Longoria) that her butt is in danger of falling off if she continues to shake it.

Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) shows Chicago Transit Authority employee (Amy Poehler) the proper way to fight terrorism.

Note: This sketch will finally air on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Jack Black.

The PianoSummary: After purchasing a new piano, a woman (Eva Longoria) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the music store.

Blind DateSummary: A man (Will Forte) is unable to maintain the lie if his identity while on a blind date with n attractive woman (Eva Longoria).

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Two men (Andy Samberg, Will Forte) discuss the former’s problems over a head of lettuce, courtesy of the United Lettuce Growers Association.

Note: This short film will later appear on the episode hosted by Dane Cook.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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