Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
Trapped in the Closet Two
R. Kelly as “Sylvester”…..Finesse Mitchell
Gwendolyn…..Eva Longoria
Gurgon…..Kenan Thompson
[open on Chicago skyline with title: “R. Kelly”]
Announcer: [voice over] R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Closet” [title: “Trapped in the Closet”] redefined what drama is. Now there’s “Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet.” [additional title: “Two”], chapters fourteen through twenty eight. [shot zooms out]
[dissolve to R. Kelly in the closet, holding a gun]
[music starts]
[title: “Chapter 14: ‘Still Trapped'”]
Sylvester: [singing] Still trapped in the closet. I been trapped here for six weeks. I just ate a silica packet [holds up a silica packet], ’cause I’m so damn hungry. But I’m gonna stay stuck in this closet, because people keep buying this record, no matter how dumb it gets. But here comes the cliffhanger! Inside this closet is another smaller closet. [shot pans to reveal the smaller closet] I think I see eyes staring back at me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me! [grabs shoes from the shelf and smacks the smaller closet] Me!
[dissolve to DVD cover with a shirtless R. Kelly with angel wings and holding crossed guns and with titles: “R. Kelly,” “Trapped in the Closet Two: Trill Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 14-28.”]
Announcer: [voice over] And it don’t stop. Check out a scene from Chapter 18: “The Reckoning.”
[dissolve to split screen with R. Kelly and Gwendolyn, who is wearing a leopard print night gown and holding a gun and a baby, with title: “Chapter 18: ‘The Reckoning'”]
Sylvester: [singing] My cell phone ring; it was Gwendolyn on my phone.
Gwendolyn: [singing] You better get your ass on home, ’cause I’m having a personal crisis.
Sylvester: [singing] Wait, wait, you’re breaking up on me.
Gwendolyn: [singing] Well, I just switched cell phone providers.
Sylvester: [singing] Well, who did you go with?
Gwendolyn: [singing] I went with Verizon.
Sylvester: [singing] Oh, because T-Mobile works much better in this area.
Gwendolyn: [singing] But I just signed a two year contract.
Sylvester: [singing] Bitch, are you crazy?
Gwendolyn: [singing] I couldn’t help it; the salesman was so nice.
Sylvester: [singing] Who was the salesman?
Gwendolyn: [singing] The father of this baby, baby, baby, baby, baby… [R. Kelly looks at the cellphone and away, in time with the repetition]
[dissolve to DVD cover]
Announcer: [voice over] And just when you thought it couldn’t go no deeper, R. brings you Chapter 26: “Contact.”
[dissolve to bedroom with R. Kelly still holding gun and Gwendolyn still holding gun and baby and with title: “Chapter 26: ‘Contact'”]
Sylvester: [singing] Oh, no, baby, tell me I’m not seeing this. You cheating me in my house you cheating me in my own bed.
Gwendolyn: [singing] I still love you baby. Just let me explain. He gives me something you can’t. His name is Gurgon and he ain’t from this planet!
Sylvester: What?!
[Gurgon enters, with purple cranium and antennae]
Gurgon: [singing] Babe, you got to make a choice. Is it going to be him or flying across the Milky Way with me.
Sylvester: [singing] Oh, you better quit talking that way before I blow off your antenna. [cocks gun]
Gurgon: [singing] Before you pull that trigger, I got to get this off my alien chest. I’m in love with your woman, ’cause she gives me sweet Earth booteeeee! Yeah! Bleep! Blorp! Glorp! Bleep! Blop!
Gwendolyn: [singing] Wait, before you blow him away, there’s another cliffhanger. Listen up to Gurgon.
Gurgon: [singing] Boy, I am your father.
Sylvester: [singing] What?
Gurgon: [singing] Father.
Sylvester: [singing] What?
Gurgon: [singing] Father.
Sylvester: [singing] What?
Gurgon: [singing] Father.
Sylvester: [singing] What?
Gurgon: [singing] Father.
[dissolve to DVD cover]
Announcer: [voice over] Trapped in the Closet Two: Still Trapped in the Closet includes bonus chapters twenty nine through forty two. Let it change you.
[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93
