SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05: Deep House Dish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Tiara Zeeee…..Rachel Dratch
Tres Latraj…..Amy Poehler
Ms. Drama Martinez…..Eva Longoria
DJ Frontal Assault…..Bill Hader
DJ Dimitrios…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: You’re watching MTV 4, the alternative to the alternative. Next up, “Deep House Dish”.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Welcome to “Deep House Dish”, the only show devoted entirely to hip-hop and house music, and dishing out the latest house music stars for you to eat up. Yummy… YUMMY! I am DJ Dynasty Handbag and this is my co-host, Tiara Zee. Tiara’s going to give us a review of Madonna’s new dance mix. Hey Tiara.

Tiara Zee: Hey…

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara tell me, what did you think of Madge’s new moves?

Tiara Zee: Um… it’s okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? That’s your review? Tiara, why are you so dull? I mean you need to work on that okay.

Tiara Zee: Okay.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Okay. First up on Deep House Dish is a new comer to the club scene. Please welcome Tres Latraj.

[tag: Tres Latraj- “I Killed Couture”]

Tres Latraj: [ singing ]“I killed couture
In vinyl boots and plastic pants
I killed couture
Eating camembert outside of Paris, France
Bonjour couture.
I kill you you you you you you you you you you you.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Somebody just dropped some house on us! Now tell me, what’s next for Tres La?

Tres Latraj: Um, Dannii Minogue and I are DJ-ing for Ian McKellen’s 70th birthday party so I don’t need to be here.

(Tres Latraj walks off)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh! Oh, oh! That was rude the way she just jumped up and ran out of here, right?

Tiara Zee: That was.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tiara, please be less boring very soon, okay? I mean it’s not good for your health, all right? All right. Next up is someone who has defined dance music as we know it. Please put your hands together in a clapping motion for Ms. Drama Martinez!

[tag: Ms. Drama Martinez- “At the Club”]

Ms. Drama Martinez: [ singing ]“Monday night, I was at the club
Tuesday night, I was at the club
Wednesday, had lower back pain, but Wednesday night, I was the club
Thursday, ate a bad fish sandwich, but Thursday night, I was the club
Friday, had lead poisoning, but Friday night, I was at the club
Saturday, had a root canal, but Saturday night, I was at the club
Sunday, another bad fish sandwich, but Sunday night, I was at the club.”

(Back Track: Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from my cluuuuub!)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Wooo! Ain’t nothin’ gonna keep me from cluuuuub! Drama Martinez! Girl, where did you come up with those lyrics?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Those are not just lyrics, those things are things that really happened to me, they’re real.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You mean to tell me that you ate two bad fish sandwiches, had a root canal and lead poisoning all in one week?

Ms. Drama Martinez: Actually, I had a third fish sandwich, but I didn’t mention that one because I thought people would think I was a moron!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well, you must love fish sandwiches.

Tiara Zee: I can’t have fish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ohh Wee! Tiara, I am telling you as a friend, make sure when you move your lips, something interesting comes out, or else people is going to think there’s something wrong with your brain, okay? Moving on. Out next performers are very big on the club scene in Ibiza, Mallorca, Mykonos, the Maldives, and the Canary Islands. Give it up for DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios.

[tag: DJ Frontal Assault and DJ Dimitrios- “Urgent Needs (Jake Gyllenhaal)”]

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: No surpriiiiiiise.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: In button flies.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: I wanna make you chicken.

DJ Dimitrios: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Frontal Assault: Shake or bake or finger linkin’.

Together: Call us on our cell phone….

DJ Dimitrios: 917-555-0155.

DJ Frontal Assault: 971-555-0155.

Together: Jake Gyllenhaal.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Jake Gyllenhaal… Jake Gyllenhaal! Oh my goodness! I think someone just added a floor to room to house music. Now what is the name of that song again?

DJ Dimitrios: It’s called “Urgent Need.”

DJ Frontal Assault: Parenthesis “Jake Gyllenhaal.”

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know, I’m going to immediately download that onto my iProd.

Tiara Zee: You guys really brought it.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OHH WEE TIARA! YOU ARE TEDIOUS! We need to get out of here. For me, DJ Dynasty Handbag and Tiara Zee, this has been Deep House Dish. We will see you at the club!


Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Tricia Espinel
Tricia Espinel
5 years ago

I want to see the video of Eva Longoria sing at the club. My favorite!!!!!!!

Tricia Espinel
Tricia Espinel
5 years ago

I don’t get why we can watch any snl episode or skit but It seems like they are charging for drama Martinez 👎👎👎👎

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