Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
The Englehart Five
Helga Englehart…..Eva Longoria
Fritz…..Bill HaderRolf…..Fred Armisen
[open on CD cover: “Wir Sind Glücklich! The Englehart Five,” with Helga surrounded by Fritz, Yorgen, Rolf, and Klaus holding musical instruments]
[dissolve to CD cover: “Achtung Fun,” with Helga, Rolf, Fritz, Yorgen, and Klaus all holding steins]
[all speech and singing is with heavy German accents]
Announcer: [voice over] Gather round, gather round! [dissolve to photo of Helga, Rolf, Klaus, Yorgen, and Fritz with their hands on each others’ shoulders] It’s Deutschland’s favorite singalong bad, the Englehart Five! [dissolve to CD cover: “Musik Musik Musik,” with Helga in a dirndl, Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Klaus all pointing at a singing cartoon baby bluebird in a nest] For years, you’ve listened to their music, and now [dissolve to a photo of Helga’s face surrounded by her brothers’ in close up], after a two year hiatus, they are back with a new album, “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.” [dissolve to CD cover: “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers,” featuring a photo of Helga with Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and an empty silhouette between Fritz and Yorgen] With songs for the whole family, like “All Good Children Like Chocolate.”
[dissolve to woodlands scene with Helga, Fritz, Yorgen, and Rolf, and title: “All Good Children Like Chocolate”]
Engleharts: [singing] Some of the children, they like swimming. Some of the children, they like games. And all good children like chocolate. [whistling in tune]
Announcer: [voice over] It’s an album of great new hits. [dissolve to CD cover superimposed over Neuschwanstein Castle] Including the holiday song, “The Whole Family Is Here.”
[dissolve to interior of a hunting lodge with Fritz, Helga, Rolf, and Yorgen, and title: “The Whole Family Is Here”]
Engleharts: [singing] The whole family is here. We see each other once a year. But now there’s an empty chair at the table. [clapping in tune]
[dissolve to pastoral scene]
Announcer: [voice over] You’ll get that and more: [with scrolling titles] “Oktoberfest,” “Walking With My Sweetheart,” “Mother’s Flute,” “Our Dead Brother Klaus,” “Sing, Sparrow, Sing,” “A Terrible Phone Call About Klaus,” “Winter’s Delight,” “Pocket Full of Candies,” and “Hunting Accident.”
[dissolve to field with mountain backdrop with Fritz, Rolf, Yorgen, and Helga, with title: “Hunting Accident”]
Engleharts: [singing] Rolf and Klaus went hunting. They went looking for some deer. Rolf took aim and shot, and now Klaus is dead.
[dissolve to German village]
Announcer: [voice over] They’re all here! [with scrolling titles] “Cuckoo Clock,” “Why Would a Deer Be Wearing an Orange Hunting Jacket?,” “Smile With Me,” “Two Sets of Footprints Up The Mountain, One Set Down,” “Why Did You Wait Two Days to Call the Polizei?,” “Hey Rolf, Maybe Wear Your Glasses Next Time You Go Hunting With a Brother,” “Lonely Microphone,” and the Englehart Five classic hit, “Hey-Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”
[dissolve to stone balcony overlooking mountains with Helga holding a tambourine, Fritz holding a guitar, Yorgen, and Rolf holding a guitar, with title: “Hey, Hey, The Gang’s All Here!”]
Helga: Hey Yorgen!
Helga: Hey Fritz!
Helga: Hey Rolf!
Helga: Hey Klaus!
[shot of a stool with an accordion sitting on it]
Engleharts: [singing] Looks like the gang is all here!
[dissolve to German village]
Announcer: [voice over] Purchase now, and enjoy both the previous and the following songs: [with scrolling titles] “Grandpapa’s Pipe,” “Rolf’s False Alibi,” “Too Soon to be Dating Klaus’ Widow,” “A Neighbor Heard You Arguing,” “Why Can’t You Look Me in the Eyes and Tell Me It Was An Accident?,” and “Strudel Party.” [with CD cover] “Helga Englehart and Her Three Living Brothers.”
[dissolve to CD cover superimposed over a meadow, with title: “20 EUROS” and “Virgin Uber Store” logo]
Different Announcer: [voice over] Available for 20 Euros at the Virgin Uber Store. All proceeds go to the Rolf Englehart Defense Fund.
Submitted by: DavidK93