SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05: Firmium


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn


…..Seth Meyers
…..Eva Longoria
…..Rachel Dratch

[open on backstage location with lighting fixtures and sandbags, and Eva Longoria reading a script]

Seth Meyers: [entering stage right] Hey, great job tonight, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, thanks, Seth.

[Seth exits stage left]

Eva Longoria: You know, whether I’m on the set of “Desperate Housewives,” the red carpet, or just out with friends, I can never afford distractions. That’s why I, Eva Longoria, choose Firmium [a bottle is handed to her from offscreen], the best diarrhea medicine on the market. [gentle music plays] Because the last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m in the middle of a love scene is whether or not I’ve got the brown drizzlies. Trust me, it’s hard to be glamorous when you’re about to launch a butt submarine. You know, for most of the first season of “Housewives,” I was a regular human espresso machine. That was before I discovered Firmium [holds up bottle], the number one way to make sure that when the time comes, you won’t be cranking out bowls of chocolate soft-serve. I know what you’re thinking: “Eva, I’ve tried everything out there, and I have yet to find a product that can prevent the release of my fudgy hostages.” To you I say, “Try Firmium.” And if you still feel like you’re about to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I, Eva Longoria, will personally refund your money.

Rachel Dratch: Hey, good luck in the next scene, Eva.

Eva Longoria: Oh, Rachel, it’s not luck. It’s this medicine that keeps me from pooping! [holds up the bottle and poses seductively while Rachel appears confused] Thanks, Firmium.

[dissovle to product title screen: “Firmium,” “The best diarrhea medicine on the market,” “Extra Strength,” “Fast, Safe Relief,” “500 tablets, 325 mg”]

Announcer: [voice over] Firmium, the medicine that keeps you from pooping.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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