Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
[open on backstage location with lighting fixtures and sandbags, and Eva Longoria reading a script]
Seth Meyers: [entering stage right] Hey, great job tonight, Eva.
Eva Longoria: Oh, thanks, Seth.
[Seth exits stage left]
Eva Longoria: You know, whether I’m on the set of “Desperate Housewives,” the red carpet, or just out with friends, I can never afford distractions. That’s why I, Eva Longoria, choose Firmium [a bottle is handed to her from offscreen], the best diarrhea medicine on the market. [gentle music plays] Because the last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m in the middle of a love scene is whether or not I’ve got the brown drizzlies. Trust me, it’s hard to be glamorous when you’re about to launch a butt submarine. You know, for most of the first season of “Housewives,” I was a regular human espresso machine. That was before I discovered Firmium [holds up bottle], the number one way to make sure that when the time comes, you won’t be cranking out bowls of chocolate soft-serve. I know what you’re thinking: “Eva, I’ve tried everything out there, and I have yet to find a product that can prevent the release of my fudgy hostages.” To you I say, “Try Firmium.” And if you still feel like you’re about to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I, Eva Longoria, will personally refund your money.
Rachel Dratch: Hey, good luck in the next scene, Eva.
Eva Longoria: Oh, Rachel, it’s not luck. It’s this medicine that keeps me from pooping! [holds up the bottle and poses seductively while Rachel appears confused] Thanks, Firmium.
[dissovle to product title screen: “Firmium,” “The best diarrhea medicine on the market,” “Extra Strength,” “Fast, Safe Relief,” “500 tablets, 325 mg”]
Announcer: [voice over] Firmium, the medicine that keeps you from pooping.
Submitted by: DavidK93