Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
Eva Longoria’s Monologue
Voice of Mary Alice…..Kristin Wiig
Voice of Don Pardo…..Darrell Hammond
Eva Longoria: Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much! I’m so excited! I’m so excited and nervous to be here, mainly because all of you mainly because all of you know me as a man-eating super vixen who seduces teenaged gardeners. But I’m also on “Desperate Housewives.” [ looks offscreen ] Uh.. excuse me, Chris, what are you doing over there?[ cut to a shirtless Chris Parnell trimming a hedge ]
Chris Parnell: Hey, Eva. [ stretches ] I, uh, finished trimming the hedges? Is there anything else you need me to do?
Eva Longoria: No, I-I’m fine, Chris, thanks.
Chris Parnell: Alright. No problem.
Eva Longoria: You know, I am so lucky to be on “Desperate Housewives”. It is so nice to finally play a non-stereotypical Latino role. [ Howario Sanz sneaks up behind her in a sombrero and a fake mosutache, then quickly ducks away ] I mean, you have no idea how proud Latinos are everywhere. [ Horatio eases back on stage, sans sombrero but still wearing the fake mosutache ] Hey, Horatio! How are you doing?
Horaio Sanz: [ pulls the fake moustache away ] Hey, hey! How are you doing?
Eva Longoria: What are you doing here?
Horaio Sanz: Uh.. not playing a gardener! Bye! [ darts off ]
Eva Longoria: Okay! Anyway, where was I?
Voice of Mary Alice: As Eva stood on stage, she wondered why was she hosting, and not me, Mary Alice, the dead narrator.
Eva Longoria: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Mary Alice, what are you talking about?
Voice of Mary Alice: I’m the glue that holds “Desperate Housewives” together. And, yet, I’ve never beeen invited to a movie premiere. I wasn’t in Maxim’s Hot 100.
Eva Longoria: Well, that’s because you’re a disembodied voice.
Voice of Mary Alice: Tell me about it. You get to go out with a handsome basketball player – who gets to go out with a disembodied voice?
Eva Longoria: Well, um.. you know what? It’s a good thing you’re here tonight. Mary Alice, I’d like you to meet Don Pardo.
Voice of Don Pardo: Hello, Mary Alice! I’m gonna rock your world!
Voice of Mary Alice: Oh, Don!
Eva Longoria: Ah, we’ve got a great show. Korn is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!