Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 6
The Needlers
DJ…..Andy Samberg
Male Classmate…..Kristin Wiig
Female Classmate…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Will Forte
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers
Claire Rubino…..Eva Longoria
[open on exterior of Mariott hotel]
[zoom in and fade to interior]
DJ: Hofstra University, class of ’95, hope you’re enjoying your reunion. Y’all remember this classic?
[“This is How We Do It” plays]
Female Classmate: Hey, you guys, I just ran into Brian Stanfield. Do you know that he has three kids?
Male Classmate: That goofball?
Jerry: Hey, what ever happened to Dan Needler and that girlfriend of his?
Female Classmate: Sally Henson? I heard they got married.
Male Classmate: Really? I have never seen a couple fight so much.
Female Classmate: Yeah, that was college. I mean, we’ve all grown up since then.
[Sally and Dan enter]
Sally Needler: No, Dan, you’re wrong. We met on the library steps!
Dan Needler: No, we sat next to each other in the dining hall.
Sally Needler: I wouldn’t be with you if you were eating when we met. You eat like an animal!
Dan Needler: Oh, don’t be silly! An animal wouldn’t eat your cooking.
Sally Needler: Son of a bi–
[slapstick jingle plays with still photo montage]
Singers: [singing voice over] They yell and scream and fight a lot and then they fight some more. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding] They curse and cuss and cause a fuss and make up on the floor. [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation] The Needlers. [with title: “The Needlers”] The Couple That Should Be Divorced” [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas, and title repeated]
Man: [voice over] The Needlers.
[dissolve to reception]
Dan Needler: Hey, everybody!
Sally Needler: Hey, you guys.
Female Classmate: So, you guys got married! Congratulations!
Dan Needler: Yeah, we would have invited you guys, but somebody had fifty cousins we haven’t seen since the wedding.
Sally Needler: Will you please stop referring to me as “somebody?”
Dan Needler: As soon as you stop treating me like a nobody.
Sally Needler: Ugh. Earn it.
Male Classmate: Um, uh, hey! You look great, Sally!
Sally Needler: Thank you. It’s so nice to hear that. [to Dan] What a simple thing to say to somebody to make them feel good.
Dan Needler: It’s amazing the reaction you get when you’re not wearing sweat pants.
Sally Needler: Well, tonight’s a special occasion.
Dan Needler: “Special occasion” is Sally talk for “open bar.”
Claire: Hey, guys!
Jerry: Oh, my goodness, Claire Rubino?!
Claire: Oh, my God, everybody looks so great! [gasps] Is that Dan Needler?!
Dan Needler: Yeah.
Claire: Oh, Sally, don’t tell me you landed that catch!
Sally Needler: Well, I didn’t land him so much as he beached himself on my couch.
Dan Needler: Your couch? What did you pay for your couch with? Did you get the “watching Oprah” job?
Claire: Dan and I dated for about five minutes in college.
Dan Needler: Five minutes? It was a month and two days.
Sally Needler: Oh, you remember that.
Dan Needler: I have a good memory.
Sally Needler: When’s our anniversary?
Dan Needler: The spring.
Jerry: I thought you two dated all through college.
Dan Needler: No, it was that time we broke up.
Female Classmate: Oh, the time you broke up over the Scrabble game?
Sally Needler: No.
Male Classmate: Oh, was it the fight you had over daylight savings time?
Dan Needler: No.
Claire: Was it the time you threw her a surprise birthday party, but she was so surprised she peed her pants, and then you laughed, and she claimed you’d done it all on purpose, so she tipped over the drink table and the party was canceled?
Dan Needler: Yeah!
Sally Needler: That was exactly it! Oh, college, such memories!
Dan Needler: Such good memories.
Claire: So, are you still doing your painting, Dan?
Dan Needler: No, Sally didn’t really support that.
Sally Needler: Yeah. Sally didn’t want to live on the side of the highway.
Dan Needler: I loved painting.
Sally Needler: Then paint the bathroom!
Dan Needler: So, Claire, what do you do?
Claire: Oh, I’m a marriage counselor.
Female Classmate: Oh!
Male Classmate: You guys should catch up, the three of you.
[classmates step away in various directions]
Claire: So, um, have you two ever thought about marriage counseling?
Sally and Dan Needler: [speaking over one another] No! What, no, us? What, no. Why would we do that? That’s crazy.
Sally Needler: What would be even do in counseling?
Claire: Well, for instance, you could do role playing. Like, Dan, why don’t you pretend to be Sally? [Dan nods and turns to walk away] Wait, Dan, Dan, where are you going?
Dan Needler: Oh, I thought I was Sally, so I was headed to the bar to embarass myself.
Claire: That’s not helpful, Dan.
Sally Needler: [with an exaggerated dumb “Dan” face and monkeyish mannerisms] Don’t tell me what’s helpful! I’m Dan Needler! I got a way of doing things that took me straight to the middle!
Dan Needler: For the record, I don’t sound like that.
Sally Needler: [as “Dan”] For the record, I don’t sound like that!
Dan Needler: Could I talk to you for a second?!
Sally Needler: Absolutely!
Dan Needler: Follow me!
[Dan storms out, Sally following behind, with Dan knocking aside a bunch of ballons that buffet Sally]
Jerry: So, do you think you can help them?
Claire: Oh, no, no. That couple is beyond help.
Male Classmate: Hey, the Needlers are having sex in the coat room.
Claire: Oh! My coat is in there!
Male Classmate: Uh, what kind of coat is it?
Claire: It’s the white, with the fur collar.
Male Classmate: Yeah, you’re not going to want that back.
Sally Needler: Oh, okay, all better.
Dan Needler: Oh, we have to go. But, Claire [points at her], would you have any interest in having a three-way with us?
Claire: No! absolutely not!
Sally Needler: Jerry? [gestures at him]
Jerry: I guess so.
Sally Needler: Come on! [makes a “come along” gesture to Jerry]
Dan Needler: [claps] All right, well, let’s go, Jerry!
[they exit as Claire shrugs at male classmate]
[jingle plays with sung voice-over and title: “The Couple That Should Be Divorced”]
Submitted by: DavidK93
