SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05: Variety Vault

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Clark Gable…..Darrell Hammond
Judy Garland…..Kristin Wiig
Alfred Hitchcock…..Horatio Sanz
Chesterfield Girl…..Amy Poehler
Ricky Ricardo…..Fred Armisen
Lucille Ball…..Eva Longoria

[ open on TV Land title card: “1958 Variety Vault” ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land.

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. A caddishly-dressed Vincent Price, complete with black raven perched on his shoulder, steps before the camera. Thunder crackles outside the window. ]

Vincent Price: Greetings, weary travelers. My name is.. Vincent Price. Tonight, I offer you passage in the dark recesses of the supernatural.

[ sound effect: the crackling of thunder in the background ]

Hark! Did you hear that? Is that the children of the night crying out in unimaginable agony? Or, is it.. my Thanksgiving special?

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: It’s “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Now, please welcome your nefarious host, the Master of Horror – Vincent Price.

[ return to Vincent Price, now leaning against the fireplace ]

Vincent Price: Thanksgiving. A holiday originating with the pagan festival of Brishnov Nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beasts feast on the entrails of peasant children. It was either that, or the pilgrims came up with it – you know, I-I don’t really know. I went to a small school, it was just me and two other guys. Nevertheless! It is a day marked by gourging one’s self on the flesh of a brutally decapitated fowl – a fowl brough to our banquet by the incomparable Clark Gable.

[ Clark Gable enters the room, carrying a huge cooked turkey on a platter ]

Clark Gable: All right, everyone, gather ’round! This Tom Turkey is fit for a king!

Vincent Price: Clark Gable. What brings you by the most evil, demon-plagued residence in the entire city of Burbank?

Clark Gable: I’m in town making a little film called “The Misfits”, with Marilyn Monroe.

Vincent Price: [ clearly uninterested ] Marilyn Monroe. How lovely.

Clark Gable: Yes, I hope it’s a long shot – if you know what I mean.

Vincent Price: [ disgusted ] Yes.. I unfortunately do. [ returns his attention to the camera ] Moving on! Much like the ancient Egyptian mortuary artisens filled their cadavers with carbonate salt, so must one prepare a good stuffing for the body cavity of our deceased being. Here, with that very delicacy, are my good friends Alfred Hitchcock and Judy Garland.

[ Alfred Hitchcock’s theme music pots up, as he and Judy Garland appear from the other side of a rotating bookcase ]

Judy Garland: [ clearly hocked up on drugs and living in her own distorted reality ] Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ holding half of a plate of stuffing ] Good.. ev-e-ning.

Judy Garland: Hi, everybody! I whipped up some of my famous cornbread stuffing for all of you!

Alfred Hitchcock: Although, unfortunately, I seem to have ingested most of it on the car ride over here.

Vincent Price: Well, uh.. you did leave half. That shows remarkable restraint.

Alfred Hitchcock: We’re here to present a short playlet, illustrating the events surrounding the first Thanksgiving.

Judy Garland: Oh, a play! I just love the theatre, don’t you, Mickey Rooney!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ puts the stuffing down, and wraps a homemade Indian headdress around his head ] Okay, let’s begin.

Vincent Price: Splendid.

Alfred Hitchcock: “Greetings, white man. We welcome you to our forest.

Judy Garland: [ holds up her hands and staring at them ] Oh! Did you ever get the feeling that your hands are made of sand!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Is that part of the play, or are you asking me?

Judy Garland: Oh! Oh, Toto! Oh, I don’t think I want to be on this boat any more!

Vincent Price: [ bemused ] I see. Well, that truly was a wonderful play. Now, I think this would be a good time to give Miss Garland a nice, cold shower and maybe a gallon of coffee.

Clark Gable: I always find what usually helps is a little hair of the dog.

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] You’re not helping, Gable! [ everyone else joins Gable on the couch ] Now.. while we get this sorted out, please enjoy this word from one of our sponsors. [ Judy Garland falls to the floor and slithers ] Oh, she’s on the floor now. [ losing his cool ] Am I the only one seeing this?!

[ dissolve to sponsor – Chesterfield Cigarette girl dressed in a Chesterfield cigarette box, dancing ]

Chesterfield Girl: [ singing ] “Chesterfield! Chesterfield! Most doctors recommed Chesterfield.”
Chesterfield Cigarettes!

[ dissolve back to the Thanksgiving special, Vincent Price in mid-conversation with an unfazed Alfred Hitchcock ]

Vincent Price: — Now, why would you bring her here in this condition? I mean, it’s ten o’clock in the morning — ! [ looks up at the camera ] Are we back? [ his eyes grow wide ] Are you serious? Who makes twelve-second cigarette commercials?! [ mutters to himself ] This is ridiculous.. All right.

[ Price stands to resume the Thanksgiving special ]

Welcome back, wanderers. You have survived thus far, and for that I salute you. We have a s for you now. We have a turkey, and Hitchcock hasn’t eaten all the stuffing yet. And all that’s left is a nice dessert. And here with a nice pumpkin pie, is everyone’s favorite ilegal alien – Desii Arnez, and his lovely wife, Lucille Ball.

[ cut to Desi and Lucy on the far end of the set interior ]

Desi Arnez: Thank you, Vincent.

Lucille Ball: Happy Thanksgiving, Vincent!

Desi Arnez: Lucy! Take it easy.

Lucille Ball: I’m sorry, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Okay, that’s better. Look, Vincent, we brought you fried plantains, a traditional Cuban Thanksgiving dessert.

Vincent Price: Plantains? Well, that’s interesting. I had you down for a pumpkin pie, but, hey, why listen to me? I’m only the host of the show.

Desi Arnez: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Thanksgiving is different in Cuba, where I am from, so I wrote a song about it for you, and Lucy promised me she wouldn’t sing at all.

Lucille Ball: Oh, come on, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, you promised.

Lucille Ball: Oh, but, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, NO!

Lucille Ball: Fine! [ stomps away offscreen ]

Desi Arnez: Here we go. [ begins to bang on the bongos as he sings ] “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!
It’s that turkey time of year!”

[ Lucy re-enters scene, singing shrilly ]

Lucille Ball: “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!”

Desi Arnez: Lucy! I told you no singing!

Lucille Ball: Oh, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Please.

Lucille Ball: [ a delayed reaction, then finally: ] Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ cut back to Price ]

Vincent Price: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. And, thankfully, that’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank all my guests — [ glances to the side to find: ]

Judy Garland: [ clutching toward a portrait of George Washington ] George! George! George, you won’t even look at me, George! Oh, George! George! Don’t you remember Paris, George!

Vincent Price: [ outraged ] What is she doing back in here?! Hitchcock, take care of her!

[ Hitchcock rises from the couch and slowly advances towards Judy as he would at the beginning of one of his television shows ]

Vincent Price: [ rolls his eyes at the slowness in Hitchcock’s gait ] Take your time, buddy, you know, there’s no rush!

[ move closer on Price, as the houselights dim and the lightning flashes outside ]

You have just adjourned into the very cortex of evil incarbate. You may now return to the drudgery that is your present existence. But, wait, you forgot something – your soul! [ lets out a nefarious, echoed laugh as the camera zooms out ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Thanks for watching.

[ fade ]

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