SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05: Variety Vault


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Clark Gable…..Darrell Hammond
Judy Garland…..Kristin Wiig
Alfred Hitchcock…..Horatio Sanz
Chesterfield Girl…..Amy Poehler
Ricky Ricardo…..Fred Armisen
Lucille Ball…..Eva Longoria

[ open on TV Land title card: “1958 Variety Vault” ]

Announcer: You’re watching TV Land.

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. A caddishly-dressed Vincent Price, complete with black raven perched on his shoulder, steps before the camera. Thunder crackles outside the window. ]

Vincent Price: Greetings, weary travelers. My name is.. Vincent Price. Tonight, I offer you passage in the dark recesses of the supernatural.

[ sound effect: the crackling of thunder in the background ]

Hark! Did you hear that? Is that the children of the night crying out in unimaginable agony? Or, is it.. my Thanksgiving special?

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: It’s “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Now, please welcome your nefarious host, the Master of Horror – Vincent Price.

[ return to Vincent Price, now leaning against the fireplace ]

Vincent Price: Thanksgiving. A holiday originating with the pagan festival of Brishnov Nishnak, where naked, blood-soaked man-beasts feast on the entrails of peasant children. It was either that, or the pilgrims came up with it – you know, I-I don’t really know. I went to a small school, it was just me and two other guys. Nevertheless! It is a day marked by gourging one’s self on the flesh of a brutally decapitated fowl – a fowl brough to our banquet by the incomparable Clark Gable.

[ Clark Gable enters the room, carrying a huge cooked turkey on a platter ]

Clark Gable: All right, everyone, gather ’round! This Tom Turkey is fit for a king!

Vincent Price: Clark Gable. What brings you by the most evil, demon-plagued residence in the entire city of Burbank?

Clark Gable: I’m in town making a little film called “The Misfits”, with Marilyn Monroe.

Vincent Price: [ clearly uninterested ] Marilyn Monroe. How lovely.

Clark Gable: Yes, I hope it’s a long shot – if you know what I mean.

Vincent Price: [ disgusted ] Yes.. I unfortunately do. [ returns his attention to the camera ] Moving on! Much like the ancient Egyptian mortuary artisens filled their cadavers with carbonate salt, so must one prepare a good stuffing for the body cavity of our deceased being. Here, with that very delicacy, are my good friends Alfred Hitchcock and Judy Garland.

[ Alfred Hitchcock’s theme music pots up, as he and Judy Garland appear from the other side of a rotating bookcase ]

Judy Garland: [ clearly hocked up on drugs and living in her own distorted reality ] Oh, hello! Hello! Hello!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ holding half of a plate of stuffing ] Good.. ev-e-ning.

Judy Garland: Hi, everybody! I whipped up some of my famous cornbread stuffing for all of you!

Alfred Hitchcock: Although, unfortunately, I seem to have ingested most of it on the car ride over here.

Vincent Price: Well, uh.. you did leave half. That shows remarkable restraint.

Alfred Hitchcock: We’re here to present a short playlet, illustrating the events surrounding the first Thanksgiving.

Judy Garland: Oh, a play! I just love the theatre, don’t you, Mickey Rooney!

Alfred Hitchcock: [ puts the stuffing down, and wraps a homemade Indian headdress around his head ] Okay, let’s begin.

Vincent Price: Splendid.

Alfred Hitchcock: “Greetings, white man. We welcome you to our forest.

Judy Garland: [ holds up her hands and staring at them ] Oh! Did you ever get the feeling that your hands are made of sand!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Is that part of the play, or are you asking me?

Judy Garland: Oh! Oh, Toto! Oh, I don’t think I want to be on this boat any more!

Vincent Price: [ bemused ] I see. Well, that truly was a wonderful play. Now, I think this would be a good time to give Miss Garland a nice, cold shower and maybe a gallon of coffee.

Clark Gable: I always find what usually helps is a little hair of the dog.

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] You’re not helping, Gable! [ everyone else joins Gable on the couch ] Now.. while we get this sorted out, please enjoy this word from one of our sponsors. [ Judy Garland falls to the floor and slithers ] Oh, she’s on the floor now. [ losing his cool ] Am I the only one seeing this?!

[ dissolve to sponsor – Chesterfield Cigarette girl dressed in a Chesterfield cigarette box, dancing ]

Chesterfield Girl: [ singing ] “Chesterfield! Chesterfield! Most doctors recommed Chesterfield.”
Chesterfield Cigarettes!

[ dissolve back to the Thanksgiving special, Vincent Price in mid-conversation with an unfazed Alfred Hitchcock ]

Vincent Price: — Now, why would you bring her here in this condition? I mean, it’s ten o’clock in the morning — ! [ looks up at the camera ] Are we back? [ his eyes grow wide ] Are you serious? Who makes twelve-second cigarette commercials?! [ mutters to himself ] This is ridiculous.. All right.

[ Price stands to resume the Thanksgiving special ]

Welcome back, wanderers. You have survived thus far, and for that I salute you. We have a s for you now. We have a turkey, and Hitchcock hasn’t eaten all the stuffing yet. And all that’s left is a nice dessert. And here with a nice pumpkin pie, is everyone’s favorite ilegal alien – Desii Arnez, and his lovely wife, Lucille Ball.

[ cut to Desi and Lucy on the far end of the set interior ]

Desi Arnez: Thank you, Vincent.

Lucille Ball: Happy Thanksgiving, Vincent!

Desi Arnez: Lucy! Take it easy.

Lucille Ball: I’m sorry, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Okay, that’s better. Look, Vincent, we brought you fried plantains, a traditional Cuban Thanksgiving dessert.

Vincent Price: Plantains? Well, that’s interesting. I had you down for a pumpkin pie, but, hey, why listen to me? I’m only the host of the show.

Desi Arnez: Now, ladies and gentlemen, Thanksgiving is different in Cuba, where I am from, so I wrote a song about it for you, and Lucy promised me she wouldn’t sing at all.

Lucille Ball: Oh, come on, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, you promised.

Lucille Ball: Oh, but, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Lucy, NO!

Lucille Ball: Fine! [ stomps away offscreen ]

Desi Arnez: Here we go. [ begins to bang on the bongos as he sings ] “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!
It’s that turkey time of year!”

[ Lucy re-enters scene, singing shrilly ]

Lucille Ball: “Hap-hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving!”

Desi Arnez: Lucy! I told you no singing!

Lucille Ball: Oh, Ricky!

Desi Arnez: Please.

Lucille Ball: [ a delayed reaction, then finally: ] Waaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ cut back to Price ]

Vincent Price: Well, I can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. And, thankfully, that’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank all my guests — [ glances to the side to find: ]

Judy Garland: [ clutching toward a portrait of George Washington ] George! George! George, you won’t even look at me, George! Oh, George! George! Don’t you remember Paris, George!

Vincent Price: [ outraged ] What is she doing back in here?! Hitchcock, take care of her!

[ Hitchcock rises from the couch and slowly advances towards Judy as he would at the beginning of one of his television shows ]

Vincent Price: [ rolls his eyes at the slowness in Hitchcock’s gait ] Take your time, buddy, you know, there’s no rush!

[ move closer on Price, as the houselights dim and the lightning flashes outside ]

You have just adjourned into the very cortex of evil incarbate. You may now return to the drudgery that is your present existence. But, wait, you forgot something – your soul! [ lets out a nefarious, echoed laugh as the camera zooms out ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Thanksgiving Special.” Thanks for watching.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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