SNL Transcripts: Eva Longoria: 11/19/05: What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 6

05f: Eva Longoria / Korn

What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot

Mark…..Bill Hader
Leonard Kelly…..Jason Sudekis
Teri Hatcher…..Eva Longoria
Marcia Cross…..Amy Poehler
Eva Longoria…..Rachel Dratch
Felicity Huffman…..Kristin Wiig
Nicolette Sheridan…..Seth Meyers

[open on title screen with voice over: “And Now, The Question All Of Planet Earth Wants Answered…What Really Happened At The “Desperate Housewives” Vanity Fair Photo Shoot]

[dissolve to photo shoot, set up as a poolside patio, with two assistants setting up props]

Mark: [entering] All right, that looks great. Okay, just leave that. Thanks.

[assistants leave]

[title: “‘Vanity Fair’ Photo Shoot,” “February 12, 2005”]

Leonard: [enters, holding folder] Hey, Mark. Hello, I’m Leonard Kelly, publicist with ABC. We are so excited about the “Vanity Fair” cover. We can’t even tell you.

Mark: Oh, great, thanks.

Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the “Desperate Housewives” themselves get here, okay? Uh, let’s see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?

Mark: [surprised] Okay.

Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That’s not a joke.

Mark: Wow.

Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies’ heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.

Mark: Why would I do that?

Leonard: I don’t know, but it’s happened to us before, okay?

Teri Hatcher: [enters, wearing a white bathrobe] Hi Mark. I’m Teri Hatcher. [shakes his hand] I’m so excited to be photographed by you. [removes bathrobe to reveal a red bathing suit] Ready when you are.

Mark: Uh, I thought we’d wait for the other ladies.

Teri Hatcher: Have it your way.

Marcia Cross: [enters wearing a white bathrobe over a green bathing suit] Hi, hello, Mark. I’m Marcia Cross [shakes his hand], and I think this shoot is going to be tremendously fun. A few of our castmates can be a little bit difficult, but I’m the easygoing and normal one.

Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I’m Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you’re really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]

[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva’s hand towards Mark to complete the shake]

Mark: Thanks. You are, too.

Marcia Cross: Oh, am I not amazing, Mark?

Mark: Huh?

Marcia Cross: Am I less than amazing? I mean, Eva’s amazing, you’re amazing, and am I just a little sesame seed in a dog’s excrement?

Mark: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Marcia Cross: Okay, my mistake. Carry on!

Felicity Huffman: [enters wearing a white bathrobe and shakes Mark’s hand] Hi, I’m Felicity Huffman. Please don’t make me do anything dumb. [turns away]

Mark: Okay?

[Nicolette enters wearing a white bathing suit]

Mark: And you must be Nicolette Sheridan.

Nicolette Sheridan: [with very deep voice, used throughout] Where do I stand, sweetheart?

Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let’s just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.

Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.

Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.

Mark: You don’t like the chaise idea?

Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it’s genius.

Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.

Mark: Let’s have you lay across the front.

Eva Longoria: Ooh, fun!

Teri Hatcher: Oh, I know! What if I’m in the middle, Mark?

[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]

Mark: Let’s have Teri–

Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t have Teri next to Marcia, because it makes Teri feel like her head is too small.

Teri Hatcher: Leonard, does my head look too small?

Leonard: I’m on it!

Mark: Okay, Felicity, how about–

Leonard: No, no, no, you can’t put Felicity next to Eva, because Felicity is allergic to Eva’s perfume.

Nicolette Sheridan: Let’s get this going before I have to shave my legs again.

Teri Hatcher: Okay, can I just say [walks towards center of shot] I am so happy to be with you guys [steps forward], and to have my comeback. [smiles and poses]

[everyone shouts, “Nooooo!!!”]

Mark: Nicolette, let’s have you sit–

Leonard: No, no, no, I’m sorry, you can’t have Nicolette sitting or you’ll see her package. [points downward]

Nicolette Sheridan: I don’t want them to see my balls, Leonard.

Leonard: I’m on it!

Nicolette Sheridan: Thank you.

Mark: Okay, Marcia, how about you move about two inches to the left. [Marcia screams theatrically] Or not.

Teri Hatcher: Oh, Marcia, don’t cry! [rushes up to her] We’re all here together. [steps forward and poses]

Marcia Cross: Get her out of the middle!

[other housewives scream, “Nooooo!!!” and Nicolette picks Teri up and moves her to the edge of the shot]

Mark: Let’s shoot this, ladies!

Nicolette Sheridan: I moved her!

Marcia Cross: Good job.

[woman pose as actually featured on the cover of Vanity Fair ]

Mark: Three, two, one! [bright flash]

[dissolve to photo with title: “Vanity Fair,” and article titles, including “Housewife Confidential!” matching actual Vanity Fair cover]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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