SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: The Coma


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

The Coma

Girlfriend…..Amy Poehler
Doctor…..Chris Parnell
Jerry…..Dane Cook
Kevin…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ] [ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Girlfriend rushes in to meet the Doctor sitting next to comatose Jerry, who lies in a hospital bed ]

Girlfriend: Doctor, I came as soon as you called!

Doctor: We’re seeing some signs that your boyfriend may be waking up.

Girlfriend: Oh, my God. I thought this day would never come.

[ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with a series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ dazed ] Where am I?

Girlfriend: Jerry!

Jerry: What happened?

Girlfriend: You were in a coma.

Jerry: Can I have some water? [ Girlfriend gives him a glass of water ] What happened?

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, you were in a horrible karaoke accident.

Jerry: [ lapping up the water ] I was so drunk. What day is it? Oh, God, how long have I been out for?

Doctor: 24 hours. It was very touch and go.

Jerry: [ reaching out to Girlfriend ] Oh, thank God that you’re here, babe. This must have been so hard for you.

Girlfriend: Yes.. it was. [ awkwardly ] Um.. We didn’t know if you were gonna wake up, and I had to accept that and move on with my life.

Jerry: [ confused ] Move on with your life?

Girlfriend: Jerry, this is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin: [ steps forward, smiling ] Welcome back, bro.

Jerry: [ outraged ] You got married? I was in a coma for a day!

Girlfriend: It was a long day, Jerry, okay? Kevin was a real comfort to me.

Kevin: Yeah, we hit it off. I saw her in line at Great Adventure, and I knew she was the one.

Jerry: [ offended ] You went to Great Adventure while I was in a coma?!

Girlfriend: [ in her feeble defense ] I was stressed, Jerry! You know I like to ride rollercoasters when I’m stressed!

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: relunctantly ] Jerry, there are a few more things that I have to tell you.

Jerry: Good Lord!

Girlfriend: I sold your car.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: For a dollar.

Jerry: What?!

Girlfriend: Awwww, you know I’m not good at selling things.

Jerry: It was a ’65 Mustang! My Dad gave me that car!

Girlfriend: Please, Jerry. I did what any normal person does when they grieve: I smashed all your records, I buried your golf clubs, I had sex with your brother —

Kevin: [ jumping in ] Which I am fine with, by the way.

Jerry: [ eyes the jacket Kevin is wearing ] Is that my jacket?

Girlfriend: It’s his jacket now. Please don’t yell at my husband.

Jerry: This is crazy! Throughout our whole relationship, I’ve been patient with you, okay? I quit my job for you, I moved here for you, I converted to Christianity for you —

Girlfriend: I know..

Jerry: My God! The penis reduction surgery – for you!

Girlfriend: I know. Thank you for that.

Jerry: This is a steaming pile of bull-crazy!

Doctor: I would watch yourself, Jerry. We don’t want to have to put you back into another coma.

Jerry: What do you mean, put me back into a coma?

Doctor: Well, we medically-induced your coma because you were rude to some of the nurses. These women work hard, and they don’t deserve to be sassed – not on my watch.

Jerry: So, there’s nothing wrong with me?

Doctor: Oh, on the contrary. You had a bad broken toe.

Jerry: Yuo are a terrible doctor!

Doctor: Hmm. And you’re a terrible patient. Keep up that attitude, and you’ll be right back in that coma.

Jerry: [ nonplussed ] You’re threatening me?!

Girlfriend: Sweetheart, look. I can understand that you’re angry. The world has changed, and that must be very scary for you.

Jerry: It was one freakin’ day!

Girlfriend: You missed a lot of thing. You know – your monday night football, the Tuesday morning paper. Our wedding, your funeral —

Jerry: You had a funeral?!

Girlfriend: Don’t worry. I knew you’d be embarrassed about your karaoke accident, so I told everyone that you died from autoerotic asphixiation.

Jerry: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, that’s much less embarrassing.

Doctor: It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Jerry: I’m not ashamed, because I didn’t do it!

Girlfriend: Jerry, it was a great party. Everyone came by and said goodbye to you, we dressed you up like a girl and we took pictures of you.

Kevin: [ proudly ] I won the Limbo contest!

Jerry: Shut it, Kev! [ a beat ] You know what? I think this coma was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because now I get a peak into the darkness which is your stupid, ass-faced head of yours! Okay?! I’m gonna live life to the fullest from now on! I’m gonna bang tons of girls, I’m gonna get back into Motocross, and I’m gonna be Jewish again! But the first thing Im’ gonna do is, I’m gonna kick all three of your asses! [ to Kevin ] Starting with you, pal! [ lunges toward Kevin with his hands clenched ]

Girlfriend: Take it easy, Jerry..

[ Jerry falls to the floor ] [ dissolve to exterior, Good Samaritan Hospital, zoom forward ] [ dissolve to interior, hospital room, as Jerry once again lies comatose in his hospital bed. His girlfriend steps forward, now donning reddish hair. ] [ suddenly, Jerry comes back to life with another series of rough, staggering coughs ]

Jerry: [ immediately ] How lnog was I out?

Girlfriend: 15 minutes.

Jerry: [ looks at her ] You changed your hair?

Girlfriend: Yeah. And I got a divorce.

Jerry: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God.

Girlfriend: But I’m pregnant.

Doctor: [ leans into frame ] And it’s my baby.

Jerry: Nooooooooooooo!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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