Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 7
Fight Back with Victor Ramos
Victor Ramos….Horatio Sanz
Jeremy Oskin….Dane Cook
Nancy Saunders….Amy Poehler
(CAN TV logo)
Announcer: You are watching Can Television. Cable Access of Chicago. Up next Fight Back with Victor Ramos.
(A dojo like studio with swords and martial arts weapons on the walls. A fist comes out from a door in the back. An attractive business woman sits in the studio)
(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)
(Victor Ramos comes out. He´s fat with curly hair and a mustache and also wears a red jacket)
Victor Ramos: Hello everyone. Welcome to Fight Back. I´m your host Victor Ramos. I´m a volunteer neighborhood street guardian. I´m a expert in karate, nunchucks usage, throwing stars and most importantly I am prepared for anything.
Jeremy Oskin: AAAAAHHH!!!!
(A young man wearing the same red jacket attacks Victor rather lamely. Victor blocks the punches)
Victor Ramos: Uh hah! Now allow me to introduce my co-host. He´s my spiritual brother in the struggle against injustice and he´s also the assistant manager of the reptile department at Pet Smart. Please welcome Jeremy Oskin.
(Victor holds up a wooden plank for Jeremy to punch and destroy. Jeremy punches)
Jeremy Oskin: Yiah!(wooden plank is not broken)
Victor Ramos: One more time. (Jeremy punches and it cuts in two) Oh!
Victor and Jeremy: (they bow to each other) Osu.
Jeremy Oskin:(kind of a speech impediment) Thank you for having me in the program. I just like to say a few words. Recently Victor and I we were forced to end our association with the Guardian Angels due to a disagreement over procedure. Apparently it had come to their attention that I was not wearing the proper uniform while patrolling the city´s subway lines.
Victor Ramos: What were you wearing?
Jeremy Oskin: A full rubber Batman costume.
Victor Ramos: And because I was dressed as Robin I had to quit as well. Anyway, let me bring out my first guest. She is the director of security for the Chicago Transit Authority. Miss Nancy–oh, you gonna have to help me with this one. Nancy Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders. Nancy Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Interesting. Uh, Miss Saunders welcome, now is the city beefing up security in this days of elevated terrorist-s?
Nancy Saunders: Well as of Monday we´ve been performing random bags checks. We´ve also been—
Victor Ramos: Excuse me. Wouldn´t you say the best defense is a strong offense, Miss Squanjack?
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders.
Victor Ramos: Ok, let me show you a little plan that Jeremy and I have come up with to deal with this suspicious weirdoes. Help me out on this Jeremy.
(Victor and Jeremy get up for a demonstration)
Jeremy Oskin: For this exercise I´ll be playing the good samaritan minding his or her own business. And Victor will be playing an Al-Qaida. (Victor puts on a backpack) “Hey, how are you? What is with that big backpack?”
Victor Ramos: “I´m looking for a place to fix my turban. Can you please tell me where I may find a train full of innocent people?”
Jeremy Oskin: Hmmm. This man says he needs his turban fixed. And that´s weird. Why would he do his business in a train as well? That´s suspicious.
Victor Ramos: Jeremy has realized this is a prime opportunity to quiz the perpetrator.
Jeremy Oskin: “So let me ask you this. Who is the most talented martial artist of all time?”
Victor Ramos: Now, if the perpetrator were to answer anything other than A)Bruce Lee or B)Chuck Norris, he better C) his way out of this country before we kick his ass.
Jeremy Oskin: At which point I would commence my attack with whatever weapons available to me and in this case is a big bag of extra hot Cheetos which I would push into his face. Yipow!(pushes bag into Victor´s face)Then with my trusty throwing star plunge it into his shoulder. Yiah!(he demonstrates) And with my feet and knees which are both registered with the FBI, I would kick his balls.(he demonstrates the stomping)
Victor Ramos: Yes. Now a kick to the testicles is not lethal. Testicles are made out of a spaghetti-o like substance so you would not kill the assailant but merely bring him down.
Jeremy and Victor: Osu. (they bow to each other, sit)
Nancy Saunders: Well, um, that was a wonderful play. But we at the Transit Authority we just can´t randomly attack people.
Victor Ramos: I don´t tell you how to drive a bus. Don´t tell us how to randomly attack people.
Nancy Saunders: I´m not a bus driver. I´m the head of security for the Transit Authority.
Victor Ramos: Whatever you say, Miss Squanjack. If that is your real name.
Nancy Saunders: Its not. Its not my real name.
Victor Ramos: Ok, well that´s all the time we have left. I want to thank my co-host Jeremy Oskin and my special guest Miss Squanjack.
Nancy Saunders: Its Saunders!(almost losing her cool)
Victor Ramos: And remember, when in doubt, fight back. Jeremy, lets show ´em what we got.
(Jeremy starts throwing ninja stars into a target. And Victor demonstrates his nunchucks abilities)
(Fight Back with Victor Ramos logo)
(cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel