SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

An SNL Digital Short

…..Will Forte
…..Andy Samberg
Stranger in background…..Jorma Taccone

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to exterior, apartment building. Pan down to stoop, where Andy sits glumly until Will appears from right and sits beside him ]

Will: Hey.

Andy: Hey.

Will: Got your message. So sorry.

Andy: Thanks. I just keep trying to tell myself he’s in a better place, you know?

Will: You know, it’s all right to feel sad. But the pain goes away. [ holds up a head of lettuce and takes a bite ]

Andy: Yeah. I just wish there was a way to make it go away faster. [ also holds up a lettuce and takes a bite ]

Will: I wish it would, too, bro. I wish it would, too. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: Everytime the phone rings, I keep thinking it’s going to be him, you know? And then I remember. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: It’s okay. Let it out. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: [ his mouth full of lettuce as he speaks ] I must look like such an idiot.

Will: Why? Because you care about something, and you’re not afraid to show it? That’s not an idiot. That’s a hero.

Andy: What did I do to deserve you? [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: You treated me like a friend. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Andy: I don’t know what to say. [ bites into his lettuce ]

Will: Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything.

[ they continue to bit into their heads of lettuce together, as a stranger walks past from the left, also biting into a head of lettuce ]

Announcer: Through good times and bad – lettuce.

[ cut to product graphic, with tag: “Paid for by the United Lettuce Growers Association” ] [ fade ]

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