Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 7
An SNL Digital Short
Stranger in background…..Jorma Taccone
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to exterior, apartment building. Pan down to stoop, where Andy sits glumly until Will appears from right and sits beside him ]
Will: Got your message. So sorry.
Andy: Thanks. I just keep trying to tell myself he’s in a better place, you know?
Will: You know, it’s all right to feel sad. But the pain goes away. [ holds up a head of lettuce and takes a bite ]
Andy: Yeah. I just wish there was a way to make it go away faster. [ also holds up a lettuce and takes a bite ]
Will: I wish it would, too, bro. I wish it would, too. [ bites into his lettuce ]
Andy: Everytime the phone rings, I keep thinking it’s going to be him, you know? And then I remember. [ bites into his lettuce ]
Will: It’s okay. Let it out. [ bites into his lettuce ]
Andy: [ his mouth full of lettuce as he speaks ] I must look like such an idiot.
Will: Why? Because you care about something, and you’re not afraid to show it? That’s not an idiot. That’s a hero.
Andy: What did I do to deserve you? [ bites into his lettuce ]
Will: You treated me like a friend. [ bites into his lettuce ]
Andy: I don’t know what to say. [ bites into his lettuce ]
Will: Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything.[ they continue to bit into their heads of lettuce together, as a stranger walks past from the left, also biting into a head of lettuce ]
Announcer: Through good times and bad – lettuce.[ cut to product graphic, with tag: “Paid for by the United Lettuce Growers Association” ] [ fade ]