SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: Monday Morning Assembly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Monday Morning Assembly

Peter Halpern…..Chris Parnell
Louise LaLaire…..Amy Poehler
Jonathan Pelt Madison…..Dane Cook
Kip Christopher…..Seth Meyers
Rufus Smalls…..Kenan Thompson
Grace Chung…..Rachel Dratch
“Mrs. Lembo”…..Kiristen Wiig
Smovement Dancer…..Will Forte
Smovement Dancer…..Bill Heder
Smovement Dancer…..Andy Samberg
Smovement Dancer…..Finesse Mitchell
Anton Regal…..Fred Armisen

[open on exterior of school with sign: “West Bedford High School”] [dissolve to interior auditorium]

Peter: Good morning, students of West Bedford High School. Welcome to Monday morning assembly. I am, of course, Peter Halpern, the head of the drama department. I would like to thank Principal Haley for asking the drama club to read the morning announcements. But as this is the drama club, we do not read the morning announcements. We perform them! So, without further ado, let me introduce seniors Louise LaLaire, Jonathan Pelt Madison, and Kip Chrisopher.

[Louise, Jonathan, and Kip enter stage left]

Louise: There’s a lot going on at West Bedford this week, so open your ears.

Jonathan: And your minds.

Kip: First announcement.

[the lights go down, and the students position three chairs to face each other before sitting] [Kip gulps down a beer while the others mime eating]

Kip: When are you going to do something with your life?

Jonathan: Leave me alone, Dad! You’re drunk!

Louise: Don’t yell at your father.

[Louise stands and goes behind Kip while Jonathan stands opposite them]

Jonathan: You don’t think that I miss Tommy? He was my only brother!

Louise: Let’s not fight at Christmas. [she stands between them]

Kip: I wish you were the son that had fallen off that raft!

Jonathan: What do I have to do to make you proud?! [puts his hands to Kip’s chest, plaintively]

Kip: Be a man and go to the [faces audience] job fair in the library this Tuesday to Thursday, periods E to G.

[all three bow]

Jonathan: Thank you. That was called “Job Fair,” a one-act about the upcoming job fair.

Louise: Now, with this week’s cafeteria menu, Rufus Smalls and Grace Chung.

[dissolve to stage right, where Rufus stands in a jacket while Grace is seated with a cello] [Grace plays throughout]

Rufus: For beautiful, for spacious skies. / For government lies and pecan pies. / For tater tots and salisbury steak. / For lunch in the United States of Fake. / George Bush preaches empty speeches. / Peaches. / Chicken McNuggets, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. / And also green salad, / diced pears, / applesauce, / and individuals pizzas. / One love. [peace sign] [dissolve to center stage with Louise with a spotlight on her face, and Jonathan and Kip facing away]

Louise: They picked a cheerleading squad. Where is my name? Why can’t I find my name?! [holds her hands up beside her face] [Jonathan and Kip turn forwards and are holding grotesque masks to their faces]

Jonathan and Kip: Your name isn’t there!

Louise: No! [pulls her hands down to her neck]

Jonathan and Kip: You are not worthy of the squad!

Louise: Stop it! [crosses her wrists in front of her]

Jonathan and Kip: We cast you out!

Louise: Nooooo!!!!! [extends her hands before her, as if to hold something away]

Jonathan and Kip: Congratulations to Becky Abbot.

Louise: Oh! [clutches head]

Jonathan and Kip: Stacy Daniels.

Louise: Oh! [clutches other side of head]

Jonathan and Kip: Maureen Hearst!

Louise: Why?! [clutches at neck] [lights come up]

Louise: Thank you. [all three bow] That was “Exclusion,” a meditation on the cheerleading tryouts in the style of Euripides.

Jonathan: Many of you know that Mrs. Lembo recently broke her hip falling on the third floor hallway. If you want to send flowers, she’s at Mercy Hospital

Kip: And if you want to see a reenactment of her fall, look no further than West Bedford’s own interpretive dance team, Smovement.

[dissolve to stage right, with four dancing forming two rows on either side of a performer portraying Mrs. Lembo]

“Mrs Lembo”: What a perfect day. Two healthy hips. [she steps between the rows of dancers, and piano music starts in a minor key] Oh, no! [she wavers to the left and then the right, twice] Why are these hallways so slippery? [the dancers wave their arms in front of her] Can’t keep my footing. [pirouettes and falls backwards into the dancers’ arms] No! I’m falling! [the dancers lift her straight up and then moan as they lower her to the ground] Anything but my hip!

Smovement Dancers: And CRACK!!!

[“Mrs. Lembo” wrenches her body as a red light shines on the group] [the dancers leave “Mrs. Lembo” alone on the stage]

“Mrs Lembo”: Mrs. Edwards will be covering my classes.

[dissolve to center stage, dark, with Louise and Jonathan who is wearing a crown] [Kip appears behind them, dressed as a court jester]

Kip: Your Majesty, you would applaud with rosy-cheeked countenance while so many go hungry?

Jonathan: Do not be coy, sir. You speak to the King.

Kip: The holiday season dawns and peasants starve, yet you sit in your palace throne and laugh.

Jonathan: And what is your solution?

Kip: Participate in the West Bedford holiday can drive.

Louise: What?! [The lights come up and all three bow] Thank you. That was “Can Drive.” Don’t forget to bring in your cans, everybody.

Jonathan: And now, three time winner of the West Bedford one-man show award, Anton Regal performs “Gossip.”

Anton: [puts his hand to his mouth, as if to amplify it] “Hey, did you hear the new gossip?!” [lowers his hand] Everyone was talking about Kelly and Matt, West Bedford’s golden couple. [hand to mouth] “Did you hear about Kelly and Matt?” “What?” [lowers hand] “Don’t tell me you didn’t hear!” You see, they were our Brad and Jennifer. “They broke up!” “No!” “I don’t believe it!” They represented our youth, our idea of perfection. [scoffs] What do we know. We’re just kids. “Hey, did you hear? They got back together!” “All right!” You know, when I heard that, I smiled to myself. I was going to get to be a kid again. At least for another day. [turns and walks away] [dissolve to stage right, with Kip and the shot moving to center stage as the lights come up]

Kip: Thank you, everyone! Thank you! Come on out, everybody!

[all other performers come to the stage]

Louise: This has been Monday morning announcements, everyone. [catches roses that are thrown from the audience] Oh, thank you!

Jonathan: And don’t forget, the “Vagina Monologues” auditions are open to men and women.

[performers bow] [fade to black]

Submtited by: DavidK93

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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