Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 7
Target Clerk…..Kristin Wiig
Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Customer #2…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]
[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]
Customer #1: Yeah, Im just finishing up some shopping, so Ill see you at home. OK? Bye.
Target Clerk: Were sorry we smelled your candle.
Trainee: Im not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.
Customer #1: Oh, well that candles a gift for my mom.
Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?
Customer #1: Oh thats OK.
Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when Im feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.
[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]
Target Clerk: Weve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, its a whole other candle.
Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That ones just fine.
Target Clerk: Theyre real marvelous. Im gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.
Trainee: I dont have a Target discount card yet because Im still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.
[ makes ripping motions with hands ]
Target Clerk: Theres one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom its like a nutmeg.
Trainee: I dont know why I dont have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before its gone.
Customer #1: Again, Im really OK with what Ive got here.
Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?
Customer #1: Yeah, its a
Target Clerk: Its 99 cents! Do we have more of these?
Customer #1: Oh, yeah, theyre right over there
[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]
Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause Im kind-of in a hurry.
Trainee: I wish that I could, but Im still in training. So were probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.
[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]
Target Clerk: Eureka! Im gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!
[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customers secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]
Customer #1: OK
Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!
Trainee: You did it!
[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]
Customer #2: Hows it going?
Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, youd have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?
Customer #2: Yeah, theres tons of them, if you Hey Wheres she going?
Trainee: Oh, dont worry. Shes fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?
[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]
Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, its for my daughter. Its a training bra.
Trainee: Oh, hey! Im in training here, too. Is she here?
Customer #2: No.
Trainee: Is she in the car?
Customer #2: No.
Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?
Customer #2: No!
Trainee: I just think that its weird that were both in training, her and I.
[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]
Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]
Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.
Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.
Target Clerk: Well $32.12. Cash!
[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]
Target Clerk: If youre looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? Theres a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!
Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!
Customer #2: No thanks. Im good!
Target Clerk: But theres another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls
[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Travis Drum