SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: Target Greatland

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristin Wiig
Trainee…..Dane Cook
Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Customer #2…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m just finishing up some shopping, so I’ll see you at home. OK? Bye.

Target Clerk: We’re sorry we smelled your candle.

Trainee: I’m not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.

Customer #1: Oh, well that candle’s a gift for my mom.

Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?

Customer #1: Oh that’s OK.

Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.

[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]

Target Clerk: We’ve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, it’s a whole other candle.

Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That one’s just fine.

Target Clerk: They’re real marvelous. I’m gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.

Trainee: I don’t have a Target discount card yet because I’m still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.

[ makes ripping motions with hands ]

Target Clerk: There’s one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom it’s like a nutmeg.

Trainee: I don’t know why I don’t have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before it’s gone.

Customer #1: Again, I’m really OK with what I’ve got here.

Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?

Customer #1: Yeah, it’s a…

Target Clerk: It’s 99 cents! Do we have more of these?

Customer #1: Oh, yeah, they’re right over there…

[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]

Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great… Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause I’m kind-of in a hurry.

Trainee: I wish that I could, but I’m still in training. So we’re probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.

[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]

Target Clerk: Eureka! I’m gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!

[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customer’s secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]

Customer #1: OK…

Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!

Trainee: You did it!

[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]

Customer #2: How’s it going?

Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, you’d have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?

Customer #2: Yeah, there’s tons of them, if you… Hey… Where’s she going?

Trainee: Oh, don’t worry. She’s fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?

[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]

Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, it’s for my daughter. It’s a training bra.

Trainee: Oh, hey! I’m in training here, too. Is she here?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Is she in the car?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?

Customer #2: No!

Trainee: I just think that it’s weird that we’re both in training, her and I.

[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]

Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]

Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.

Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.

Target Clerk: Well… $32.12. Cash!

Trainee: Yes!

[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]

Target Clerk: If you’re looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? There’s a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!

Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!

Customer #2: No thanks. I’m good!

Target Clerk: But there’s another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls…

[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Travis Drum

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