SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: Target Greatland


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Target Greatland

Target Clerk…..Kristin Wiig
Trainee…..Dane Cook
Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Customer #2…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Target Greatland, zoom forward ]

[ dissolve to interior, checkout line, as Customer #1 talks on a cell phone, Target Clerk and Trainee sniff a candle ]

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m just finishing up some shopping, so I’ll see you at home. OK? Bye.

Target Clerk: We’re sorry we smelled your candle.

Trainee: I’m not. It smells really good, and I had a good time doing it.

Customer #1: Oh, well that candle’s a gift for my mom.

Target Clerk: If you need another gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles?

Customer #1: Oh that’s OK.

Trainee: Candles are relaxing. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed, I like to take out my hair, and light a ponytail, and then I brush it really hard.

[ runs fingers through hair vigorously ]

Target Clerk: We’ve got these candles that have one scent on the top, and another scent on the bottom, so when, the top part, when you burn that down, it’s a whole other candle.

Customer #1: Um, no thanks. That one’s just fine.

Target Clerk: They’re real marvelous. I’m gonna use my Target discount today and pick up a couple candles.

Trainee: I don’t have a Target discount card yet because I’m still in training, and that makes me angry. Sometimes when I get angry, I draw a picture of myself, and then I rip it up.

[ makes ripping motions with hands ]

Target Clerk: There’s one candle that has like a pine scent on the top, and on the bottom it’s like a nutmeg.

Trainee: I don’t know why I don’t have a discount card yet. I mean, I work here, you know? I just want that Felicia Reggard cookware before it’s gone.

Customer #1: Again, I’m really OK with what I’ve got here.

Target Clerk: What is this? A seashell garland?

Customer #1: Yeah, it’s a…

Target Clerk: It’s 99 cents! Do we have more of these?

Customer #1: Oh, yeah, they’re right over there…

[ Customer points, Clerk leaves to get a seashell garland]

Customer #1: Where is that woman going? Great… Listen; can you just finish this up for me? Cause I’m kind-of in a hurry.

Trainee: I wish that I could, but I’m still in training. So we’re probably just gonna have to have a weird moment here till she gets back.

[ awkward silence, Trainee nods his head and smiles, Clerk returns with garland ]

Target Clerk: Eureka! I’m gonna lay this across my dashboard! OK, $54.11. ATM? Please enter in your secret code!

[ Clerk and Trainee turn away, as to not see Customer’s secret code, Customer looks confused, cups a hand around her mouth to be louder ]

Customer #1: OK…

Target Clerk: Woo-hoo!

Trainee: You did it!

[ Trainee puts hand up for a high five but is denied one, Customer #1 leaves with bags, Customer #2 steps up to the register ]

Customer #2: How’s it going?

Target Clerk: Well, look how tall you are! If you had on an old-fashioned top hat, you’d have a hard time getting into my apartment! These are some smart slacks! $12.99? Do we have more of these?

Customer #2: Yeah, there’s tons of them, if you… Hey… Where’s she going?

Trainee: Oh, don’t worry. She’s fast! Hey, why are you buying a bra?

[ Trainee pick up bra and plays with it ]

Customer #2: Well, uh, for your information, it’s for my daughter. It’s a training bra.

Trainee: Oh, hey! I’m in training here, too. Is she here?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Is she in the car?

Customer #2: No.

Trainee: Do you want me to go get her?

Customer #2: No!

Trainee: I just think that it’s weird that we’re both in training, her and I.

[ Laughs and rubs training bra on his face, Customer stops him ]

Customer #2: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ Customer puts bra back in basket, Employee returns ]

Target Clerk: My manager said I had to stay at my register.

Customer #2: Well, you were in the middle of a sale.

Target Clerk: Well… $32.12. Cash!

Trainee: Yes!

[Puts hand up for high five and is denied one again ]

Target Clerk: If you’re looking for a special gift, may I suggest one of our holiday candles? There’s a snowman candle that has a carrot sticking out of its face for its nose!

Trainee: I built a snowman once and I named it Claire Huxtable! And I gave it snow children! A little Rudy, a Denise, a Vanessa, a Theo, and a little Raven Symone! They were like snow Huxtables!

Customer #2: No thanks. I’m good!

Target Clerk: But there’s another holiday candle with trees made out of glitter, and the little ornaments on it are tiny little balls…

[ Trainee waves to Customer, Clerk continues to talk about the candle ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Travis Drum

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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