SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 12/03/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
…..Rachel Dratch
Michael Irvin…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In a speech Wednesday at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Bush defended his policy in Iraq, saying that Iraqi troops are increasingly taking the lead in battling insurgents, but that ‘this will take time and patience.’ He added, ‘A whole lot of patience and time. To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right. Yeah.’

During his speech on Iraq, President Bush spoke on a stage emblazoned with the words ‘Plan for Victory.’ But what many may not have noticed was the fine print:
(Zooms in to the fine print… “by 2047”)

Amy Poehler: In conjunction with the President’s speech, the White House released a 35-page document titled ‘National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.’ Wow! 35 pages! Apparently, they think Iraq’s problems will be three times easier to resolve than a Nancy Drew mystery.”

The U.S. military admitted Wednesday that it paid Iraqi newspapers to run favorable stories about the war. And some peculiarly shocking blind items in the Baghdad Post’s Page Six. What’s this? ‘What six-foot-seven Al Qaeda No. 1 was seen canoodling with ‘Laguna Beach’s Kristen Cavallari at the Club Green Zone?’ Wow!

Tina Fey: Tyra banks and MTV’s Vanessa Mannillo got quite a bit of press recently for dawning fat suits and experiencing life as an overweight person for a day. Known for her hard hitting investigative reporting, our own Rachel Dratch did the same thing, and she’s here with her report.

Rachel Dratch: Hi Gals! Well, uh, I too dawned an obesity suit yesterday and let me tell you, the experience really changed my life. Take a look…

VO: Okay, there I am in the make up chair, and there’s our special effects guy doing his thing.

(Shows Rachel getting ready)

VO: And there I am as a fat lady.

(She tries to walk through a door at the same time someone else does)

Rachel Dratch: Hey! Excuse me!

VO: Now, at first I thought of the suit as just a bit inconvenient. It’s hard to get around when you can’t see your own feet.

(Shows her having trouble getting around and then falling down a large set of stairs)

VO: I found that I could no longer partake in everyday activities, things that most of us just take for granted.

(Shows her trying to ride a unicycle)

VO: Being fat was hard than I thought. As I went outside, I began to feel like a second-class citizen. Some people starring at me, some people ignoring me. It was enough to make me crack!

(Shows her walking completely alone and feeling sad. She begins to run around screaming at random people. She throws a mans newspaper on the ground)

Rachle Dratch: Ahh! I’m human! I’m human like you!! You think I’m a monster? Ahh!! Ahh!! Stop starring at me! I’m a human being! (Cries)

VO: While most people judged me negatively because of my weight, others were actually more friendly to me.

(A man opens a door for her)

Rachel Dratch: Aww! Thank you!

VO: This young gentleman held the door for me.

(She walks by a mail deliveryman)

Man: Damn, you lookin’ good ma’ma!

VO: And this fellow was very friendly.

Rachel Dratch: Thank you! Hmnm…

VO: And this man said he wanted to get all up my crevices. Delightful.

(Shows a man with his arm around her typing her phone number in on his cell)

VO: So, I guess what I learned is, the next time you see an overweight person, be nice to them, it could be a celebrity in a fat suit!

Tina Fey: Excellent report. Excellent journalism. Well, I bet you’re glad you never have to put that fat suit back on.

Rachel Dratch: Oh, actually I’m going to go put it on right now. That last guy wants to take me to Red Lobster!

Tina Fey: Aw! Rachel Dratch everyone!

Amy Poehler: In recognition of World AIDS Day, city officials in Buenos Aires, Argentina covered the city’s most famous landmark, The Obelisk, with a giant pink condom. Not to be outdone, citizens of Arizona covered the Grand Canyon with a huge dental dam.

Tina Fey: Last week the city of Boston sparked a controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a ‘Holiday Tree’ instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city’s Christmas nativity scene will now be referred to as the ‘Holiday Homeless Family.’

Many of the first people to buy the new XBox 360 are returning the system because of crashes and glitches and maybe, just maybe, a long hard look in the mirror.

Amy Poehler: A New Hampshire man named Ronald MacDonald has been charged with stealing money from a safe at Wendy’s. He is charged with ‘aggravated hamburglary.’

According to a new survey, American women earn 76 cents for every dollar American men make for doing the same jobs. The most humiliating part for women, being paid in change.

Tina Fey: A British man has created a device that emits a noise intended to chase away teenagers. It’s called jazz records.

Psychologists are saying that creative professionals such as actors and writers have about twice as many sexual partners as other people. Uh! Twice as many? Try ten times as many!

Tina and Amy: Woo! Yeah! Haha!… …….

Amy Poehler: So true! It’s so true!

Tina Fey: Oh! God I’m getting too old for this!

(They start emotionally crying)

Amy Poehler: All right, lets keep it moving Tina!

Tina Fey: Lets go onto the next joke. Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Uh Flashbacks! Oh! Bad choices!

A new survey reveals that Seattle is the nation’s most literate city, followed by Minneapolis and Washington. While once again, the least literate city is ‘Reevarsyde, Kaleefermia’.

Tina Fey: Retired football player Michael Irvin is back in the news this week. The ESPN commentator and ex-Cowboy was arrested when a highway patrolman found a drug pipe on the floor of his car. Here to comment is Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Woo! Yes, yes, yes! Well, well, my goodness! SNL! Cowboys! Touchdown! Wide receiver! Emmitt Smith!

Tina Fey: Alright, so Mike…

Michael Irvin: That’s what I’m talking about!

Tina Fey: Mike…

Michael Irvin: Touchdown! Touchdown!

Tina Fey: Mike…

Michael Irvin: It’s just a touchdown! Gotta get one!

Tina Fey: Mike, so just tell us, tell us in your own words what happened.

Michael Irvin: Oh, ain’t no thing Tina Fey, you understand me. I was chillin’, driving my car like I usually do, when a cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over. Now I’m a rational man, so I thought to myself, should I kill him? But then I convinced myself to let him live.

Tina Fey: Good, that’s a good choice.

Michael Irvin: And then he found a used drug pipe on the floor of my car. I told the officer that it must belong to a friend of mine because I don’t smoke crack anymore. You think he believe me?

Tina Fey: Would you believe you?

Michael Irvin: Look, I’m not the one on trial here.

Tina Fey: No well, yeah you are. You kind of are.

Michael Irvin: Okay fine. This time I wasn’t lying though! See I work for ESPN you understand, I’m an NFL commentator. If I did drugs, it would show. Look at this clip from last Sunday and you tell me if I’ve been doing drugs.

(Intro: Monday Night Countdown)

(Michael Irvin has a TV that he is trying too keep two other commentators from taking)

Michael Irvin: I will kill you! Let go of me, Chris Berman! Let go of me, Chris Berman! This is my TV! Let go of my TV!

(ESPN had cut the clip because of the content. Shows Michael Irvin at the Update desk in shock)

Michael Irvin: Well, that’s not the clip that I expected. Well, looks like the jokes on me right! Huh huh… anyway. Uh, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hire some lawyers now. Bye. See ya’ll later!

Tina Fey: Alright, Michael Irvin everyone.

Amy Poehler: A new poll reveals that 56 percent of Americans think Wal-Mart is bad for the country. While the other 44 percent work there.

On Wednesday, the 73rd Annual Rockefeller Christmas tree was lit. As was I.
(She smiles and takes a sip from a glass of wine)

A crowd of thousands was on hand to watch the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting. The ceremony was marred, however, when the M&M balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade appeared out of nowhere, struck two bystanders and then fled.

Tina Fey: A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later in life. The study is titled ‘National Strategy for Victory in Iraq’.

It was reported that after husband Kevin Federline refused to see a therapist with her, Britney Spears has consulted a psychic to find out if Kevin will cheat on her and if their marriage will last. Sadly, Britney’s worst fears were confirmed, when, halfway through the reading, Federline boned the psychic.

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Margaret Edwards

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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