Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 7
Michael’s Wife…..Rachel Dratch
[open on exterior of suburban home]
[dissolve to interior with party]
Keith: [enters wearing a wool sweater] Hi. Seasons greetings. [closes door] Hey, how are you? [approaches Michael and his wife] Hi, guys.
Michael: Hi. Wow. Keith.
Michael’s Wife: Yeah, Keith, look at that sweater.
Keith: [smooths the fabric around his torso] I know, right. You like it? [adjust the collar]
Michael: What is that, like, wool?
Keith: One hundred percent.
Michael’s Wife: Where did you get it?
Keith: Knitwear Outlet.
Michael: How much do you pay for something like that?
Keith: Eight hundred dollars.
Michael’s Wife: Wow, at an outlet?
Keith: Yeah, well, I think it was originally, like, nine hundred [scratches at his left arm], but I feel like a million bucks in it. Yeah! [scratches at his right arm]
Michael: Man, that is some sweater.
Keith: Thanks. Hey, uh, do you think Carrie will like it?
Michael: Oh, yeah, man, definitely.
Keith: Yeah, is she, uh, is she hear yet? [wipes sweat from his brow]
Michael’s Wife: Oh, well, um, she called. She’s running a little late.
Keith: Oh. [pulls at hem of sweater and chuckles nervously] [under his breath] “Late.”
Michael’s Wife: Are you warm in that? It’s not even that cold out yet.
Michael: Yeah, sixty five degrees in December. It’s freaky.
Keith: Yeah, well, uh, you know, I don’t have to worry about the unseasonably warm weather because–let me tell you something–this, this sucker breathes! [clutches and pulls at the neck and body of the sweater and chuckles nervously]
Michael’s Wife: It does?
Keith: Oh, hell yes!
Michael’s Wife: Look, why don’t I go get you juice, or some water, or something?
Keith: [wipes his brow furiously] No!
Michael’s Wife: Let me get you some ice water. [leaves]
Keith: I just–I’m okay, geez.
Michael: So, uh, you and Carrie, uh, you guys still good?
Keith: Yeah. [as a waiter walks by with a tray of drinks, Keith grabs a couple of straws which he inserts into the neck of the sweater and begins blowing] This is officially our second date, but, uh, I wish she would hurry up and get here, you know, so she can see me in the sweater. Ha-ha, aaaaargh! [pulls the sweater away from his body]
Michael: I gotta say, Keith, it really looks like that sweater is bothering you.
Keith: [pulls his left arm inside the sweater and uses that hand to prop the fabric away from himself] No, no, no, no. This is just, you know, I’m breaking it in. You know, this is the way you gotta break in a turtleneck.
Michael: Yeah, because turtlenecks drive me nuts. I can’t wear them.
Michael’s Wife: [returning with a cup of ice] Here you go.
Keith: Oh, thanks so much. [takes a piece of ice and rubs it on his face] All right.
Michael’s Wife: All right, you know, I think that turtleneck is too warm.
Keith: No, it’s not too warm! Okay? It’s incredibly comfortable! And I spent eight hundred dollars on it, so, you know, I just want to wear it, you know. I’m wearing it because I paid the eight hundred. [pulls his other arm inside and uses both hands to push parts of the fabric away from his body] I want to impress Carrie, you know what I mean? [shouts] I wish she would get her ass here!
Michael: Hey, hey, Keith, there’s no reason to get mad at Carrie.
Keith: I’m not mad at Carrie. I’m mad at this turtleneck! [mops at his brow with a hand that is inside the sweater, and pushes his left arm back into the sleeve]
Michael’s Wife: Well, take it off! I can get you one of Michael’s shirts!
Keith: God, it’s like, it’s like a boa constrictor, you know? [clutches at fabric and pulls at neckline] I feel like I’m wearing Death, you know? [rubs the fabric on his face and pulls the neckline up around his chin] It’s like I’m being raped by a Wookiee! [pulls the neckline completely over his head and seizes backwards directly into the waiter before staggering forward, exposing his head again, and falling flat on his back] God, it’s like…it’s like it’s merging with my skin!
Michael’s Wife: Oh, my God! Just take it off! Take it–
Keith: I can’t–I can’t breathe! [pants] I can’t breathe! [scratches and pulls at sweater]
Michael: Okay, you know what? [squats and extends a hand] Let me help you, Keith, let me–
Keith: No, no! No, no, no! [Michael stands back up] I’m gonna do this! [uses his legs and elbows to propel himself backwards across the floor and groans loudly] That feels good! [groans again and continues to move, then seizes a poker from the fireplace behind him and leaps back to his feet, now using the poker to scratch his back as he moans frantically] [Michael’s wife steps forward and reachs out to Keith] No! Get back! Get back! [holds the poker as a weapon] I need to do this! [resumes scratching as Michael’s life jumps back in fear, pulls the neckline back over his head and staggers towards the buffet table, all the while still scratching with the poker, then falls back onto the table, rocks back to a standing position, and seizes backwards into the middle of the table, which collapses under him]
Carrie: [entering, cautiously] Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late. [Keith struggles back to his feet] Keith, are you wearing a turtleneck?
Keith: [suavely, while the neckline hangs around his head like a cowl] Yeah.
Carrie: [weakly] Ew.
[fade to black as Keith gestures plaintively at the sweater and Carrie gestures negatively]
Submtited by: DavidK93