SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 8


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 10th, 2005

Alec Baldwin

Shakira

None

Tim Meadows

Alejandro Sanz

John Lutz
Saddam’s Prison CellSummary: Imprisoned Saddam Hussein (Alec Baldwin) seeks mercy from his U.S. prison guard (Fred Armisen) in Baghdad.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec Baldwin announces it’s his 12th time hosting, summarizes his statistics compared to other recurring hosts, then utilizes clips of his past appearances – and a quick cameo by Tim Meadows – to outline lessons he’s learned while hosting “SNL.”

First Hosted: 89r.

Transcript

Tylenol BMSummary: An overworked businssman (Alec Baldwin) uses Tylenol BM to receive such a good night’s sleep that he doesn’t even have to wake up to go to the bathroom.

Transcript

Face TransplantSummary: The husband (Alec Baldwin) of the French woman who had the world’s first face transplant is unhappy with the results of her (Seth Meyers) operation, so repeat transplants are performed until her face is more to his satisfaction.

Transcript

The O’Reilly FactorSummary: Bill O’Reilly (Darrell Hammond) argues with Sen. John McCain (Chris Parnell) and Barney Frank (Alec Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, John McCain, Barney Frank.

TV FunhouseSummary: Cardboard replicates show off their quirks during a high-stakes round of Celebrity Mugshot Poker.

Brokeback GoldmineSummary: Gay prospectors (Alec Baldwin, Will Forte) forfeit their search for gold when they discover each other in this movie trailer.

Transcript

Shakira performs “Don’t Bother”First Performed: 01g.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: A series of “ABC News” audition tapes includes Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) bombing and Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) disguising his appearance. Ventriloquist-activist Sharif Omar Muhammad (Kenan Thompson) attempts to comment on prejudicism through the use of his racist dummy.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Jane Pauley, Dan Rather, Ty Pennington, Gene Shalit.

Transcript

The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett (Alec Baldwin) strays from the topic of terrorism to plug KY jelly while interviewing Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Carol!Summary: At the Bowl-a-Rama, Jim (Jason Sudeikis) and Amanda (Amy Poehler) set up another male friend (Alec Baldwin) with the enigma that is Carol (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carol, Jim, Amanda.

Transcript

The Man Who Married A Hot DogSummary: Told as a child that if he loves hot dogs so much he should marry one, Jeremy Connors (Alec Baldwin) follows through in his adult years and raises a pair of awkward hot dog/teenagers (Amy Poehler, Andy Samburg).

Transcript

MedicareSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) sings “Love Train” parody to get old people on board with Medicare.

Transcript

Shakira featuring Alejandro Sanz perform “La Tortura”Bio: Alejandro Sanz (1968-). Spanish pop/ballad musician, singer-songwriter; in 2001, became the first Spanish artist to record an “Unplugged” special on M-TV.

Santa’s WorkshopSummary: When output from the elves at Santa’s Workshop is low, efficiency expert, Winter’s Breath (Alec Baldwin), is brought in to verbally harass their little asses into gear.

Note: In his enthusiasm, Alec Baldwin repeats the “Always Be Closing” mantra from “Glengarry Glen Ross”, not realizing the line is spoofed for the Santa’s workshop setting.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Bird FluSummary: A doctor (Chris Parnell) warns his patient (Alec Baldwin) that bird flu is only contagious in the unfortunate event that he’s had contact with a bird, such as making out with one.

Ten Seconds to RunSummary: Cross-eyed man (Alec Baldwin) and his buddies (Will Forte, Fred Armisen) give each other ten seconds to start running.

FrondiSummary: A doctor (Alec Baldwin) brags about how much he has taught Frondi (Fred Armisen), only to have his mentally-challenged patient turn around and do bad things behind his back.

Taco BellSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) and Robert De Niro (Alec Baldwin) forget to bring money when they go out for lunch at Taco Bell.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Robert De Niro.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Distraught over a failed relatonship, a man (Andy Samberg) threatens to jump to his death while standing an inch above the sidewalk, in a message paid for by the United Peyote Growers Association.

Note: This digital short would eventually surface on the live version of the episode hosted by Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Transcript

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