SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Brokeback Goldmine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Brokeback Goldmine

First Prospector…..Will Forte
Second Prospector…..Alec Baldwin
Third Prospector…..Bill Hader
Prostitute…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of a desert at night]

Narrator: [voice over] In a time when the Old West was untamed, two prospectors set out to find gold.

[dissolve to campsite with two old prospectors]

First Prospector: To strikin’ it rich!

Second Prospector: You’re dang-gum right we will!

[they clash their cups in a toast and then drink as they laugh] [dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] But what they found was so much more.

[dissolve to campsite at night]

First Prospector: I like your smile.

Second Prospector: I like the way you make me smile.

[dissolve to stock footage of a river]

Narrator: [voice over] Some treasures are found on the surface.

[dissolve to prospectors panning in a river]

First Prospector: Lookie here! Have I found gold?! [holds second prospector by the wrist]

Second Prospector: No. [wraps his fingers around first prospector’s hand] But maybe I have.

[dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] There are some lies we have to tell.

[dissolve to campsite]

Third Prospector: You fellers have been up here for a long three months. And everybody knows there ain’t no gold in these parts.

Second Prospector: Well, maybe we’re digging for something more precious than gold.

First Prospector: [emerging from tent] Honey! Breakfast is ready!

[dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] And some truths we can’t deny.

[dissolve to campsite, with second prospector giving seated first prospector a neck rub as a prostitute arrives]

Prostitute: I’ve hiked five hours up the trail to see if you boys needed any company. I know you must be lonely.

Second Prospector: Nope. We’re good.

First Prospector: Nice seeing you, though. Run along.

Prostitute: Well, I sure am tired. Can I just stay the night? I could keep you boys warm.

Second Prospector: Good gerty merty woman, are you deaf? We’re not interested. We’ve got something you’ll never understand. [caresses first prospector’s face]

Prostitute: What, you got another woman up here?!

Second Prospector: No, no.

Narrator: [voice over] Starring Gabby Hickock in a controversial and courageous performance.

Second Prospector: [takes long underwear from a clothesline] Dang gummit, I wish I could quit ya. I wish I could quit ya! [presses long underwear to his face and sniffs it] [dissolve to stock footage of the night sky over a rock formation]

Narrator: [voice over] And introducing Gabby Wade Tomlinson.

[dissolve to campsite with second prospector holding first prospector from behind]

First Prospector: We ain’t found a dang darn thing, so why do I feel like the richest man in the world?

[dissolve to stock footage of a mountain trail]

Narrator: [voice over] This season, dare to let the whiskers of two old prospectors touch you in a special way. [title: “Brokeback Goldmine”] Brokeback Goldmine. See the film everyone is talking about.

[dissolve to campsite with close up on second prospector]

Second Prospector: What in tarnation are you doing under there?

[shot widens to show movement in bedroll]

First Prospector: [sticks his head out from under the covers] Just prospecting! [goes back under]

Second Prospector: Oh, you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

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