Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 8
First Prospector…..Will Forte
Second Prospector…..Alec Baldwin
Third Prospector…..Bill Hader
[open on stock footage of a desert at night]
Narrator: [voice over] In a time when the Old West was untamed, two prospectors set out to find gold.[dissolve to campsite with two old prospectors]
First Prospector: To strikin’ it rich!
Second Prospector: You’re dang-gum right we will!
Narrator: [voice over with title] But what they found was so much more.[dissolve to campsite at night]
First Prospector: I like your smile.
Second Prospector: I like the way you make me smile.[dissolve to stock footage of a river]
Narrator: [voice over] Some treasures are found on the surface.[dissolve to prospectors panning in a river]
First Prospector: Lookie here! Have I found gold?! [holds second prospector by the wrist]
Second Prospector: No. [wraps his fingers around first prospector’s hand] But maybe I have.[dissolve to black screen]
Narrator: [voice over with title] There are some lies we have to tell.
Third Prospector: You fellers have been up here for a long three months. And everybody knows there ain’t no gold in these parts.
Second Prospector: Well, maybe we’re digging for something more precious than gold.
First Prospector: [emerging from tent] Honey! Breakfast is ready![dissolve to black screen]
Narrator: [voice over with title] And some truths we can’t deny.[dissolve to campsite, with second prospector giving seated first prospector a neck rub as a prostitute arrives]
Prostitute: I’ve hiked five hours up the trail to see if you boys needed any company. I know you must be lonely.
Second Prospector: Nope. We’re good.
First Prospector: Nice seeing you, though. Run along.
Prostitute: Well, I sure am tired. Can I just stay the night? I could keep you boys warm.
Second Prospector: Good gerty merty woman, are you deaf? We’re not interested. We’ve got something you’ll never understand. [caresses first prospector’s face]
Prostitute: What, you got another woman up here?!
Second Prospector: No, no.
Narrator: [voice over] Starring Gabby Hickock in a controversial and courageous performance.
Second Prospector: [takes long underwear from a clothesline] Dang gummit, I wish I could quit ya. I wish I could quit ya! [presses long underwear to his face and sniffs it] [dissolve to stock footage of the night sky over a rock formation]
Narrator: [voice over] And introducing Gabby Wade Tomlinson.[dissolve to campsite with second prospector holding first prospector from behind]
First Prospector: We ain’t found a dang darn thing, so why do I feel like the richest man in the world?[dissolve to stock footage of a mountain trail]
Narrator: [voice over] This season, dare to let the whiskers of two old prospectors touch you in a special way. [title: “Brokeback Goldmine”] Brokeback Goldmine. See the film everyone is talking about.[dissolve to campsite with close up on second prospector]
Second Prospector: What in tarnation are you doing under there?[shot widens to show movement in bedroll]
First Prospector: [sticks his head out from under the covers] Just prospecting! [goes back under]
Second Prospector: Oh, you.
Submitted by: DavidK93