SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Brokeback Goldmine


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Brokeback Goldmine

First Prospector…..Will Forte
Second Prospector…..Alec Baldwin
Third Prospector…..Bill Hader
Prostitute…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of a desert at night]

Narrator: [voice over] In a time when the Old West was untamed, two prospectors set out to find gold.

[dissolve to campsite with two old prospectors]

First Prospector: To strikin’ it rich!

Second Prospector: You’re dang-gum right we will!

[they clash their cups in a toast and then drink as they laugh] [dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] But what they found was so much more.

[dissolve to campsite at night]

First Prospector: I like your smile.

Second Prospector: I like the way you make me smile.

[dissolve to stock footage of a river]

Narrator: [voice over] Some treasures are found on the surface.

[dissolve to prospectors panning in a river]

First Prospector: Lookie here! Have I found gold?! [holds second prospector by the wrist]

Second Prospector: No. [wraps his fingers around first prospector’s hand] But maybe I have.

[dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] There are some lies we have to tell.

[dissolve to campsite]

Third Prospector: You fellers have been up here for a long three months. And everybody knows there ain’t no gold in these parts.

Second Prospector: Well, maybe we’re digging for something more precious than gold.

First Prospector: [emerging from tent] Honey! Breakfast is ready!

[dissolve to black screen]

Narrator: [voice over with title] And some truths we can’t deny.

[dissolve to campsite, with second prospector giving seated first prospector a neck rub as a prostitute arrives]

Prostitute: I’ve hiked five hours up the trail to see if you boys needed any company. I know you must be lonely.

Second Prospector: Nope. We’re good.

First Prospector: Nice seeing you, though. Run along.

Prostitute: Well, I sure am tired. Can I just stay the night? I could keep you boys warm.

Second Prospector: Good gerty merty woman, are you deaf? We’re not interested. We’ve got something you’ll never understand. [caresses first prospector’s face]

Prostitute: What, you got another woman up here?!

Second Prospector: No, no.

Narrator: [voice over] Starring Gabby Hickock in a controversial and courageous performance.

Second Prospector: [takes long underwear from a clothesline] Dang gummit, I wish I could quit ya. I wish I could quit ya! [presses long underwear to his face and sniffs it] [dissolve to stock footage of the night sky over a rock formation]

Narrator: [voice over] And introducing Gabby Wade Tomlinson.

[dissolve to campsite with second prospector holding first prospector from behind]

First Prospector: We ain’t found a dang darn thing, so why do I feel like the richest man in the world?

[dissolve to stock footage of a mountain trail]

Narrator: [voice over] This season, dare to let the whiskers of two old prospectors touch you in a special way. [title: “Brokeback Goldmine”] Brokeback Goldmine. See the film everyone is talking about.

[dissolve to campsite with close up on second prospector]

Second Prospector: What in tarnation are you doing under there?

[shot widens to show movement in bedroll]

First Prospector: [sticks his head out from under the covers] Just prospecting! [goes back under]

Second Prospector: Oh, you.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x