SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Carol!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira


Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Doug…..Alec Baldwin

(Opens with the outside of a bowling alley calledBowlarama, scene cuts to inside of the bowling alley)

Doug: Hey, hey what’s up, Jimbo, my man, and the lovelyAmanda.

Amanda: Hi, Doug.

Doug: Hey, bowling, I love this, I haven’t beenbowling forever. So what’s the deal with this girlyou’re setting me up with here.

Amanda: Oh, you’ll love her she’s a real free spirit.

Doug: Well, Lord knows I’m game. The last time I gotlaid you can still carry knives on planes. You knowwhat I mean?

Jim: Well, it hasn’t been that long, bro’.

Amanda: Oh, there she is now.

Doug: Oh, do I look ok? (passes hand through his hair)

Jim: Yeah, don’t worry, you look great.

Amanda: Carol! (In comes beatiful overweight blondieCarol)

Carol: Hey, girlfriend!

(cut to jingle)

“And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Points at herself like saying “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and then poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL! (Carol is up in bright colored letters)

(back to scene)

Amanda: Oh, Carol!

(Carol picks her up and swings her left and rightbefore putting her down)

Carol: Heeey! Aaaahhh!! Oh, hi Jim.

Jim: Hi, Carol.

Carol: Oh, la, la. Who’s this cutie?

Amanda: Oh, this is our friend Doug.

Carol: Well, it looks like someone took first prize inthe Kevin Sorbo look-alike contest. I’M CAROL!

Doug: You’re looking lovely yourself, Carol.

Carol: I came here straight from work so I had tochange my pantyhose in the bathroom of Panda Express.I think I got some fried rice in my panties.

Amanda: Ok, Carol let’s pick up some balls, shall we?

Carol: Ok,oohh I have to be careful. Mine can’t be tooheavy. I slipped a disk trying to shave my ankles.

Amanda: Oh, Carol.

Doug: Oh, that’s ok. I’m very intrigued by a woman whois so comfortable with her own body.

Amanda: Hey, why don’t you guys go first? You wannaget some drinks, Jim? I’ll have a beer.

Jim: Ok, can do. Doug, you want a beer?

Doug: Sure. (Gives Jim the ok sign and a thumbs upapproving of Carol)

Jim: What about you, Carol?

Carol: Uuuummm, I guess I’ll have a Shamrock shakewith a shot of Jameson up in it.

Jim: Yeah, you know Carol I think the only place youcan get a Shamrock shake is at…well, you know,McDonalds.

Amanda: Yeah, on or around St. Patricks Day.

Carol: Oh, no! This is a disaster! What should I get?

Doug: How about a sex on the beach?

Carol: How about a sex in the men’s room?

Doug: My, my, you are enchanting, Carol. (Mouths”Thank you” to Jim with grest enthusiasm)

Jim: This is going super. How about I’ll get us apitcher of beer, all right?

Carol: Nooooo!!! Just get me a Mad Dog 20 20, I’llcrush up a few no-doze in it.

Jim: You’re the boss, Carol. (Jim heads for the barand suddenly Carol pulls him violently by the arm)


Jim: Ok.

Amanda: I’ll help you out honey.

Jim: Yes, please. (They both go to the bar leavingDoug and Carol alone)

Doug: So Carol, tell me about yourself. What does anenchanting flower like you do for a living?

Carol: Ummm, I work for the goverment.

Doug: Oh, really? Fascinating.

Carol: Yeah, I work in a toll booth on a New Yorkstate throughway.

Doug: Oh, I-87?

Carol: Really? Because I 69! I’M CAROL!!

Doug: Carol, your wordplay delights me. I swear to Godif I had a ring right now I would get down on myknees.

Carol: Oh my, get out of town. (pats him playfully on theshoulder)

Jim: All right, here we are. (brings pitcher of beer)

Carol: Oh, is this for me? Aaaaahhhh!! (takes pitcherand starts gulping down the beer)

Jim: No, no, no, that was actually for everyone.

Amanda: Ok, are you ready to bowl guys?

Carol: Wait a second! I’m eating! (eats Slim Jim)

Doug: Carol, that looks delicious. Will you mindsharing?

Carol: No. But you gotta come here and get it. (putsSlim Jim on her mouth)

Doug: Sure thing. (Doug starts eating the Slim Jimfrom the other end bringing their mouths closer andcloser and are interrupted by Jim and Amanda)

Jim: Hey, guys, guys, guys!

Amanda: I think we’re ready to bowl, right?

Carol: Fine, we’ll bowl. But you guys will have totake your turns will I go powder my nose.

Amanda: Ok, fine.

Carol: I mean, I gotta go push one out and smoke adoobie in the crapper.

Doug: I got a better idea. Why don’t you do exactlywhat you just said but back at my place.

Carol: Ok, but we better hurry, cause I got a gaiterbarking. (Doug and Carol leave holding hands)

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol!

And then there’s Carol!
(Carol smiles shyly)
And then there’s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying:”Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky. Right on Carol!”

(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I’M CAROL!!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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