SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Face Transplant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Face Transplant

Mr. Rio…..Alec Baldwin
Doctor…..Tina Fey
Doreen…..Seth Meyer, Rachel Dratch, Kenan Thompson
Donor’s Family Member #1…..Chris Parnell
Donor’s Family Member #2…..Fred Armisen
Woman…..Amy Poehler

[open on exterior of medical facility] [dissolve to interior, a patient’s room, with a doctor, a man, and a woman on the bed with her face bandaged]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, I have every reason to believe your wife’s face transplant was a complete success.

Mr. Rio: Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.

Doctor: But I want you to brace yourself. The full face transplant is still a new technique, and we’re learning that the loved ones of the patient often have a harder time adjusting than the patient themselves. [begins removing bandage]

Mr. Rio: I’m just grateful that she’s alive. It’s a miracle she survived that wolf attack.

Doctor: Yes. Did they ever find out who released those wolves into the Burger King?

Mr. Rio: It was white supremacists.

Doctor: [shakes her head] White supremacists. What a world. Mr. Rio, say hello to your wife.

[Doreen lies in the bed with her face now revealed, with a masculine appearance]

Doreen: [with a numb mouth, continuing throughout] How do I look?

Mr. Rio: You look beautiful, Doreen. More beautiful than the day we got married.

Doreen: I love you.

Mr. Rio: I love you, too. [whispering to doctor] How much of this is swelling?

Doctor: None.

Mr. Rio: But I imagine, over the next few months, her face will settle and change?

Doctor: No, no, this is it.

Mr. Rio: I love you so much, Doreen! I’d never let anything come between us.

Doreen: Except wolves.

Mr. Rio: Except wolves, yes. [to doctor] Remind me. Her face, it was much worse after the wolf attack? Worse than this?

Doctor: Yes. Yes.

Doreen: Oh! Oh! It hurts! It hurts!

Doctor: Oh, Mr. Rio, your wife’s body is rejecting the face!

Mr. Rio: But she was just–

Doctor: I’m going to have to ask you to step outside! [she pushes him out and turns to tend to Doreen] [dissolve to waiting room]

Mr. Rio: Oh, please, God, forgive me for secretly wishing that her body will reject that face. Don’t let anything happen to my dear Doreen!

[pan to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”] [dissolve to Doreen’s room]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, you can come in. We found a new donor, and your wife is doing very well. The donor’s family are here to share in the results.

[two men are present, with very large noses and ears, and bushy eyebrows, while Doreen’s face is still bandaged]

Donor’s Family Members: Hello.

Mr. Rio: Oh, brother.

[the doctor removes the bandages from Doreen’s face, and the two men gasp at the sight of a face with features similar to theirs]

Donor’s Family Member #1: Oh, it’s her sweet face!

Donor’s Family Member #2: Given new life! Isn’t she beautiful?!

Mr. Rio: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much.

Doreen: I feel like a woman again!

Mr. Rio: Shhh…try not to talk, honey.

Doctor: Now, it’s very important that your wife stay on this hormone medication, so that her body doesn’t reject the face again. [indicates IV drip]

Mr. Rio: Oh, this one here? [pulls the tube from the bag] Oops!

Doctor: Damn it! [pushes Mr. Rio from the room as Doreen begins to convulse] [dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”] [pan to Mr. Rio in the waiting room, reading a “Travel and Leisure” magazine with title: Three Days Later] [dissolve to Doreen’s room]

Doctor: Mr. Rio, we were lucky enough to get one more donor.

[Doreen, now with the face of a black man, moans indistinctly]

Mr. Rio: No. This is not gonna work. No.

Doctor: Pardon?

Mr. Rio: I can’t live with a face like that. You have to change it!

Doctor: You racist! Have you learned nothing from the wolf attack?!

Mr. Rio: I’m not a racist. It’s just that I knew that guy once. We were in the marines together. And one terrible night in Afghanistan, he raped me!

Doctor: My God.

Mr. Rio: Then, when we got back to the states, we went into business together, and he embezzled from me. Everything that I had!

Doctor: Why did you go into business with him after he raped you?

[he gestures towards the doctor, but fails to articulate anything before turning to his wife]

Mr. Rio: Honey, you have Ronny’s face! They gave you Ronny Jackson’s face!

Doreen: Oh! Oh, no! I’ll tear it off myself!

Doctor: Okay, okay, we’ll change it!

[dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “The Next Day”]

Mr. Rio: [entering the hospital room] Oh, my God, finally, thank you, thank you, God! A face that’s worthy of my beautiful Doreen. [strokes the hair of an attractive redheaded woman who is lying in the bed, moaning] Shhh, Doreen, quiet now, honey. [reaches down to the comforter and gently squeezes her breasts] Yes. Oh, yes.

Doctor: [entering] What are you doing?!

Mr. Rio: Just reconnecting with my wife.

Doctor: Your wife died! That woman is here for foot surgery!

Mr. Rio: Just give me five more minutes, please?!

[the doctor shrugs and leaves] [fade to black, as Amy Poehler can be heard saying jokingly to Alec Baldwin, “How dare you, again?!”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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