Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 8
Mr. Rio…..Alec Baldwin
Doreen…..Seth Meyer, Rachel Dratch, Kenan Thompson
Donor’s Family Member #1…..Chris Parnell
Donor’s Family Member #2…..Fred Armisen
[open on exterior of medical facility] [dissolve to interior, a patient’s room, with a doctor, a man, and a woman on the bed with her face bandaged]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, I have every reason to believe your wife’s face transplant was a complete success.
Mr. Rio: Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.
Doctor: But I want you to brace yourself. The full face transplant is still a new technique, and we’re learning that the loved ones of the patient often have a harder time adjusting than the patient themselves. [begins removing bandage]
Mr. Rio: I’m just grateful that she’s alive. It’s a miracle she survived that wolf attack.
Doctor: Yes. Did they ever find out who released those wolves into the Burger King?
Mr. Rio: It was white supremacists.
Doctor: [shakes her head] White supremacists. What a world. Mr. Rio, say hello to your wife.[Doreen lies in the bed with her face now revealed, with a masculine appearance]
Doreen: [with a numb mouth, continuing throughout] How do I look?
Mr. Rio: You look beautiful, Doreen. More beautiful than the day we got married.
Doreen: I love you.
Mr. Rio: I love you, too. [whispering to doctor] How much of this is swelling?
Mr. Rio: But I imagine, over the next few months, her face will settle and change?
Doctor: No, no, this is it.
Mr. Rio: I love you so much, Doreen! I’d never let anything come between us.
Doreen: Except wolves.
Mr. Rio: Except wolves, yes. [to doctor] Remind me. Her face, it was much worse after the wolf attack? Worse than this?
Doctor: Yes. Yes.
Doreen: Oh! Oh! It hurts! It hurts!
Doctor: Oh, Mr. Rio, your wife’s body is rejecting the face!
Mr. Rio: But she was just–
Doctor: I’m going to have to ask you to step outside! [she pushes him out and turns to tend to Doreen] [dissolve to waiting room]
Mr. Rio: Oh, please, God, forgive me for secretly wishing that her body will reject that face. Don’t let anything happen to my dear Doreen![pan to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”] [dissolve to Doreen’s room]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, you can come in. We found a new donor, and your wife is doing very well. The donor’s family are here to share in the results.[two men are present, with very large noses and ears, and bushy eyebrows, while Doreen’s face is still bandaged]
Donor’s Family Members: Hello.
Mr. Rio: Oh, brother.[the doctor removes the bandages from Doreen’s face, and the two men gasp at the sight of a face with features similar to theirs]
Donor’s Family Member #1: Oh, it’s her sweet face!
Donor’s Family Member #2: Given new life! Isn’t she beautiful?!
Mr. Rio: Yeah, yeah, thanks so much.
Doreen: I feel like a woman again!
Mr. Rio: Shhh…try not to talk, honey.
Doctor: Now, it’s very important that your wife stay on this hormone medication, so that her body doesn’t reject the face again. [indicates IV drip]
Mr. Rio: Oh, this one here? [pulls the tube from the bag] Oops!
Doctor: Damn it! [pushes Mr. Rio from the room as Doreen begins to convulse] [dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “Three Days Later”] [pan to Mr. Rio in the waiting room, reading a “Travel and Leisure” magazine with title: Three Days Later] [dissolve to Doreen’s room]
Doctor: Mr. Rio, we were lucky enough to get one more donor.[Doreen, now with the face of a black man, moans indistinctly]
Mr. Rio: No. This is not gonna work. No.
Mr. Rio: I can’t live with a face like that. You have to change it!
Doctor: You racist! Have you learned nothing from the wolf attack?!
Mr. Rio: I’m not a racist. It’s just that I knew that guy once. We were in the marines together. And one terrible night in Afghanistan, he raped me!
Doctor: My God.
Mr. Rio: Then, when we got back to the states, we went into business together, and he embezzled from me. Everything that I had!
Doctor: Why did you go into business with him after he raped you?[he gestures towards the doctor, but fails to articulate anything before turning to his wife]
Mr. Rio: Honey, you have Ronny’s face! They gave you Ronny Jackson’s face!
Doreen: Oh! Oh, no! I’ll tear it off myself!
Doctor: Okay, okay, we’ll change it![dissolve to bouquet of flowers on table with caption: “The Next Day”]
Mr. Rio: [entering the hospital room] Oh, my God, finally, thank you, thank you, God! A face that’s worthy of my beautiful Doreen. [strokes the hair of an attractive redheaded woman who is lying in the bed, moaning] Shhh, Doreen, quiet now, honey. [reaches down to the comforter and gently squeezes her breasts] Yes. Oh, yes.
Doctor: [entering] What are you doing?!
Mr. Rio: Just reconnecting with my wife.
Doctor: Your wife died! That woman is here for foot surgery!
Mr. Rio: Just give me five more minutes, please?![the doctor shrugs and leaves] [fade to black, as Amy Poehler can be heard saying jokingly to Alec Baldwin, “How dare you, again?!”]
Submitted by: DavidK93