Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 8
The Man Who Married a Hot Dog
Jeremy Connors…..Alec Baldwin
[open on park bench in sepia tones with two boys seated, the one on the left eating a hot dog]
Boy: You’re having another hot dog?
Young Jeremy: Yeah, so what? I love hot dogs.
Boy: Well, if you love them so much, why don’t you marry one?!
Young Jeremy: Fine, maybe I will.[dissolve to black screen with title and voice over: “Thirty-five years later…”] [dissolve to living room in full color]
Jeremy: [enters] Hi, honey, I’m home![close up of a hot dog on the couch]
Jeremy: How was your day?[close up of hot dog]
Jeremy: You know what I just found out? Pat Morita died. You know, the guy from Karate Kid. I always liked him.[close up of hot dog]
Jeremy: I don’t know, I’ll probably just sit home and watch a little TV, huh?[Jeremy’s daughter, a half girl, half hot dog, enters with a large, fluffy bun and a squiggle of mustard along her body]
Daughter: Hey, Dad? I need to borrow the car.
Jeremy: What for? Is it time for another crash?
Daughter: [scoffs] Relax, Dad. I’m half hot dog, not half retarded.
Jeremy: Wait a minute. When did you start wearing condiments?
Daughter: Come on, Dad, it’s just mustard.
Jeremy: Just mustard?
Daughter: [scoffs] You let Oscar wear relish.
Jeremy: Well, he’s half hot dog, half boy. It’s completely different.
Daughter: [scoffs] Mom![close up of hot dog]
Jeremy: Don’t ask your mother. What I say goes.
Daughter: Look, I can’t deal with this now, okay? I’m supposed to meet Enrique at the mall.
Jeremy: Enrique? You’re dating a Spanish kid?
Daughter: God, Dad, you’re so old-fashioned.
Jeremy: Oh, really? Because I’ve been called a lot of things in my day–a lot of pretty hurtful things–but never “old-fashioned.”
Daughter: Ugh! I can’t take this! It’s like I’m living in the half human, half hot dog equivalent of a concentration camp! [stomps off]
Jeremy: Oh, really cute, Miss Drama Queen.[Oscar, a half boy, half hot dog, enters with a small, thin bun and a baseball cap]
Oscar: Dad, could I ask you a question?
Oscar: It’s about girls.
Jeremy: Oh, boy, I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, I’ve done a lot of things no one’s ever seen. Weird things. [picks up hot dog and moves to where it was sitting] Now, honey, if you’ll excuse us for a minute, we have to have some guy talk, okay? [throws hot dog over his shoulder towards the corner of the room] Take a seat. [pats couch and Oscar leans back as Jeremy lowers him down] What seems to be the problem?
Oscar: Well, I see girls at school, and I think they’re really gross. But sometimes I also think they’re kind of cute. And during lunch when I see hot dogs, I think they’re really delicious. But I also think they’re kind of cute. Is something wrong with me?
Jeremy: No. This is all part of a very natural process. From what I understand, based entirely on observation and crazy myths I’ve invented, there comes a time in any half boy, half hot dog’s life when he starts noticing changes in his body. Your skin gets greasy, you develop a bun, you begin to experience human erections. And for some bizarre reason, you never grow arms.
Oscar: Yeah, that part kind of sucks.
Jeremy: Trust me, that’s the least of your problems.
Oscar: Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we can talk like this.
Jeremy: I’m glad you can talk at all. Let’s just say your mother’s not one for much conversation.[close up of hot dog on the floor]
Jeremy: Hey, things might be pretty F’ed up around here, but at least we’re a family. Now hurry up and wash whatever it is you wash in the shower. [walks to corner and picks up the hot dog] It’s supper time. [lifts hot dog to his mouth]
Jeremy: [chuckles] Just kidding.[title with sung voice over: He’s Jeremy Connors, the man who married a dog.]
Jeremy: A hot dog! [bites hot dog] [a carat appears and “hot” is added to title]
Submitted by: DavidK93