SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: The Man Who Married a Hot Dog



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 8


05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

The Man Who Married a Hot Dog

Jeremy Connors…..Alec Baldwin
Daughter…..Amy Poehler
Oscar…..Andy Samberg

[open on park bench in sepia tones with two boys seated, the one on the left eating a hot dog]

Boy: You’re having another hot dog?

Young Jeremy: Yeah, so what? I love hot dogs.

Boy: Well, if you love them so much, why don’t you marry one?!

Young Jeremy: Fine, maybe I will.

[dissolve to black screen with title and voice over: “Thirty-five years later…”] [dissolve to living room in full color]

Jeremy: [enters] Hi, honey, I’m home!

[close up of a hot dog on the couch]

Jeremy: How was your day?

[close up of hot dog]

Jeremy: You know what I just found out? Pat Morita died. You know, the guy from Karate Kid. I always liked him.

[close up of hot dog]

Jeremy: I don’t know, I’ll probably just sit home and watch a little TV, huh?

[Jeremy’s daughter, a half girl, half hot dog, enters with a large, fluffy bun and a squiggle of mustard along her body]

Daughter: Hey, Dad? I need to borrow the car.

Jeremy: What for? Is it time for another crash?

Daughter: [scoffs] Relax, Dad. I’m half hot dog, not half retarded.

Jeremy: Wait a minute. When did you start wearing condiments?

Daughter: Come on, Dad, it’s just mustard.

Jeremy: Just mustard?

Daughter: [scoffs] You let Oscar wear relish.

Jeremy: Well, he’s half hot dog, half boy. It’s completely different.

Daughter: [scoffs] Mom!

[close up of hot dog]

Jeremy: Don’t ask your mother. What I say goes.

Daughter: Look, I can’t deal with this now, okay? I’m supposed to meet Enrique at the mall.

Jeremy: Enrique? You’re dating a Spanish kid?

Daughter: God, Dad, you’re so old-fashioned.

Jeremy: Oh, really? Because I’ve been called a lot of things in my day–a lot of pretty hurtful things–but never “old-fashioned.”

Daughter: Ugh! I can’t take this! It’s like I’m living in the half human, half hot dog equivalent of a concentration camp! [stomps off]

Jeremy: Oh, really cute, Miss Drama Queen.

[Oscar, a half boy, half hot dog, enters with a small, thin bun and a baseball cap]

Oscar: Dad, could I ask you a question?

Jeremy: Shoot.

Oscar: It’s about girls.

Jeremy: Oh, boy, I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, I’ve done a lot of things no one’s ever seen. Weird things. [picks up hot dog and moves to where it was sitting] Now, honey, if you’ll excuse us for a minute, we have to have some guy talk, okay? [throws hot dog over his shoulder towards the corner of the room] Take a seat. [pats couch and Oscar leans back as Jeremy lowers him down] What seems to be the problem?

Oscar: Well, I see girls at school, and I think they’re really gross. But sometimes I also think they’re kind of cute. And during lunch when I see hot dogs, I think they’re really delicious. But I also think they’re kind of cute. Is something wrong with me?

Jeremy: No. This is all part of a very natural process. From what I understand, based entirely on observation and crazy myths I’ve invented, there comes a time in any half boy, half hot dog’s life when he starts noticing changes in his body. Your skin gets greasy, you develop a bun, you begin to experience human erections. And for some bizarre reason, you never grow arms.

Oscar: Yeah, that part kind of sucks.

Jeremy: Trust me, that’s the least of your problems.

Oscar: Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we can talk like this.

Jeremy: I’m glad you can talk at all. Let’s just say your mother’s not one for much conversation.

[close up of hot dog on the floor]

Jeremy: Hey, things might be pretty F’ed up around here, but at least we’re a family. Now hurry up and wash whatever it is you wash in the shower. [walks to corner and picks up the hot dog] It’s supper time. [lifts hot dog to his mouth]

Oscar: Dad!

Jeremy: [chuckles] Just kidding.

[title with sung voice over: He’s Jeremy Connors, the man who married a dog.]

Jeremy: A hot dog! [bites hot dog] [a carat appears and “hot” is added to title]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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