SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tim Meadows
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Alec Baldwin.

[ the audience applauds thunderously as Baldwin runs to Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Thank you, thank you very much, thank you! Hey! Hey! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. I always feel at home when I’m here. In fact, I’m hosting the show for the twelfth time – I can’t believe it! [ audience cheers ] Only Steve Martin has hosted more times than I have – he’s hosted thirteen times. But when you consider that he first hosted in 1976, and I first hosted in 1990, the fact that he only has beaten me by one is kind of embarrassing for him. Not that I care. John Goodman’s hosted twelve times – but he’s not here tonight, so point for me. Tom Hanks has hosted seven times, but he’ll never catch me because he’s too busy being a busy Oscar-winning national treasure, and I’m, uh.. hosting for the twelfth time. [ audience cheers ]

But tonight will be the best show of all. You know why? Because I learn something new every time I host. Let me show you what I mean:

[ cut to a clip of Baldwin and Phil Hartman hugging and kissing in “Greenhilly”, 04/21/90 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: This is the first sketch of my first show. Here I am with Phil Hartman. Now, you know, I learned something very important here —

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: And that is that crazy sex stuff goes a long way on this show.

[ cut to a clip of Baldwin kissing his co-host and then-wife, Kim Basinger, during their monologue, 02/14/94 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: The fourth time I was here, I learned that if you host the show with your wife on Valentine’s Day.. it’s kind of a jinx. [ audience cheers ] [ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: The fifth time, I was worried I didn’t have anything left to give. But then David Spade gave me a great piece of advice and said, “Alec, just be handsome. In the world of movie stars, you’re a decent-looking guy; but in the world of sketch comedy, you are unbelievably good-looking.” Learning that got me through the next three episodes.

[ cut to back-to-back still images from Baldwin’s first monologue (04/21/90), his second monologue (02/23/91) and “The Mimic” (02/13/93) ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: Ba-da-bing. Ba-da-bing. Ba-da-bing.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: Number Eight was a Christmas show, so we wanted to do something that embraced the holiday spirit, we came up with this sketch, where I play a guy named Pete Schweddy:

[ cut to Baldwin with Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon in “The Delicious Dish”, 12/12/98 ]

Pete Schweddy: They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: You know, even old ladies still stop me on the streets of New York to ask about my Schweddy Balls. and, over half the time, they’re talking about that sketch.

[ the band accompanies Baldwin with a rim shot ]

By the ninth show, the cast had changed completely. Even Tim Meadows had left.

Voice: No, I didn’t!

Alec Baldwin: What’s that? [ the audience cheers as Tim Meadows appears suddenly ] Oh! Hey, hey!

Tim Meadows: Thanks. Thanks. No, Alec, I’m still in the cast. Um.. I just haven’t had a sketch on in, like, six years.

Alec Baldwin: Ah.

Tim Meadows: But I’m back! This monologue is breaking my slump! Whoo! Yeah! [ exits stage, as audience cheers anew ]

Alec Baldwin: Congratulations, Tim! [ continues ] And then, there was Show Number Eleven, my latest time hosting, where all the years of experience.. paid off.

[ cut to Baldwin with Amy Poehler in “Breast Augmentation”, 11/15/03 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: In this show, I got to touch Amy Poehler’s breasts. But I learned, if it’s in a sketch, it’s not sexual harrassment.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: So, from kissing men to squeezing Amy’s breast, it’s been one hell of a ride.

We’ve got a great show. Shakira is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ as camera zooms away, Amy Poehler crosses Home Base to give Baldwin a big hug ]

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