SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 12/10/05: Alec Baldwin’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 8

05h: Alec Baldwin / Shakira

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tim Meadows
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Alec Baldwin.

[ the audience applauds thunderously as Baldwin runs to Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Thank you, thank you very much, thank you! Hey! Hey! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. I always feel at home when I’m here. In fact, I’m hosting the show for the twelfth time – I can’t believe it! [ audience cheers ] Only Steve Martin has hosted more times than I have – he’s hosted thirteen times. But when you consider that he first hosted in 1976, and I first hosted in 1990, the fact that he only has beaten me by one is kind of embarrassing for him. Not that I care. John Goodman’s hosted twelve times – but he’s not here tonight, so point for me. Tom Hanks has hosted seven times, but he’ll never catch me because he’s too busy being a busy Oscar-winning national treasure, and I’m, uh.. hosting for the twelfth time. [ audience cheers ]

But tonight will be the best show of all. You know why? Because I learn something new every time I host. Let me show you what I mean:

[ cut to a clip of Baldwin and Phil Hartman hugging and kissing in “Greenhilly”, 04/21/90 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: This is the first sketch of my first show. Here I am with Phil Hartman. Now, you know, I learned something very important here —

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: And that is that crazy sex stuff goes a long way on this show.

[ cut to a clip of Baldwin kissing his co-host and then-wife, Kim Basinger, during their monologue, 02/14/94 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: The fourth time I was here, I learned that if you host the show with your wife on Valentine’s Day.. it’s kind of a jinx. [ audience cheers ] [ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: The fifth time, I was worried I didn’t have anything left to give. But then David Spade gave me a great piece of advice and said, “Alec, just be handsome. In the world of movie stars, you’re a decent-looking guy; but in the world of sketch comedy, you are unbelievably good-looking.” Learning that got me through the next three episodes.

[ cut to back-to-back still images from Baldwin’s first monologue (04/21/90), his second monologue (02/23/91) and “The Mimic” (02/13/93) ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: Ba-da-bing. Ba-da-bing. Ba-da-bing.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: Number Eight was a Christmas show, so we wanted to do something that embraced the holiday spirit, we came up with this sketch, where I play a guy named Pete Schweddy:

[ cut to Baldwin with Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon in “The Delicious Dish”, 12/12/98 ]

Pete Schweddy: They’re made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: You know, even old ladies still stop me on the streets of New York to ask about my Schweddy Balls. and, over half the time, they’re talking about that sketch.

[ the band accompanies Baldwin with a rim shot ]

By the ninth show, the cast had changed completely. Even Tim Meadows had left.

Voice: No, I didn’t!

Alec Baldwin: What’s that? [ the audience cheers as Tim Meadows appears suddenly ] Oh! Hey, hey!

Tim Meadows: Thanks. Thanks. No, Alec, I’m still in the cast. Um.. I just haven’t had a sketch on in, like, six years.

Alec Baldwin: Ah.

Tim Meadows: But I’m back! This monologue is breaking my slump! Whoo! Yeah! [ exits stage, as audience cheers anew ]

Alec Baldwin: Congratulations, Tim! [ continues ] And then, there was Show Number Eleven, my latest time hosting, where all the years of experience.. paid off.

[ cut to Baldwin with Amy Poehler in “Breast Augmentation”, 11/15/03 ]

Alec Baldwin V/O: In this show, I got to touch Amy Poehler’s breasts. But I learned, if it’s in a sketch, it’s not sexual harrassment.

[ cut back to Baldwin at Home Base ]

Alec Baldwin: So, from kissing men to squeezing Amy’s breast, it’s been one hell of a ride.

We’ve got a great show. Shakira is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ as camera zooms away, Amy Poehler crosses Home Base to give Baldwin a big hug ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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