Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 8
Elf #1…..Amy Poehler
Elf #2…..Seth Meyers
Head Elf…..Fred Armisen
Winter’s Breath…..Alec Baldwin
[ open on exterior, Santa’s Workshop ]
[ dissolve to interior, as three elves try to build toys with inferior tools ]
Elf #1: So, what’s this meeting about?
Elf #2: I don’t know, but it better be about our tools – my hammer’s falling apart in my hands.
Elf #1: Yeah, elves can’t build with tools like these.
Honeydew: I’ll never be done with my toys by Christmas.
[ Head Elf enters, with Winter’s Breath in tow ]
Head Elf: Everyone, settle down. This is winter’s Breath. He’s an elf from the home office.
Winter’s Breath: Can I have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about the hammer.. bitching about the quality of your wood, some pixie you’re trying to screw? Well, let’s talk about something important! [ turns to Honeydew ] Put that cocoa down! Cocoa’s for cobblers only. [ Honeydew looks stunned with her giant cup of steaming cocoa held before her ] Do you think I’m screwing around? I am NOT screwing around. I am here from Kris Kringle. I’m here from the north Pole. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. [ to Honeydew ] Your name’s Honeydew?
Winter’s Breath: You call yourself an elf, you son of a bitch?
Elf #1: Heyyy, I don’t have to listen to this.Winter’s Breath: You certainly don’t pal. Because the good news is, you’re fired. The bad news is, you’ve got – all you got – one week to regain your jobs. Starting with tonights build. [ the elves sit in stunned silence ] Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this months toy contest. [ stands before a picture of a toboggan ] As you all know, first prize is a shiny new toboggan. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a box of candy canes. [ holds up the box ] Third prize is you’re fired. Everybody get the picture? You laughing now, huh?
[ none of the elves say a word ]
Winter’s Breath: You got tools. Santa paid good money for those tools. You can’t build with the tools you have? You can’t build garbage? You ARE garbage, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out!
Honeydew: Hey, hey, our tools are weak.
Winter’s Breath: Your tools are weak? The f’in’ tools are weak?! YOU’RE weak! I’ve been in this business for 615 years.
Elf #1: Heyyy, what’s your name?
Winter’s Breath: Screw you, THAT’S my name! And you wanna know why, Mister? ‘Cause you rode a hedgehog to work, and I got here on a talking moose. THAT’s my name!
[ Winter’s Breath steps over to the sales blackboard, and flips it over to reveal the neumonic mantra: “Always Be Cobbling” ]
Winter’s Breath: Remember, boys and girls: Always — [ catches himself, starts over ] A – Always, B – Be, C – Closing. Always be clo- cob! [ Baldwin finally realizes his lines in “Glengarry Glen Ross” are still firmly implanted in his head; the audience screams with delight ] Always Be Cobbling. Always. Be. Cobbling.
[ the audience cheers at Baldwin’s slip-up, as even Seth Meyers tries to suppress his elfish giggle ]
Elf #2: That’s incredible.
Winter’s Breath: What’s the problem, pal?
Elf #2: Well, you’re such a hero, you’re so rich. Why are you coming down here and wasting your time on a bunch of bums?
Winter’s Breath: [ Head Elf hands him a giant green gumdrop ] You see this gumdrop? You see this gumdrop?
Elf #2: Yeah.
Winter’s Breath: This gumdrop costs more than the mushroom you call a house. You see, pal, THAT’S who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t care. Good father? ELF you, go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? COBBLE! I can sit here tonight with the tools you got, make myself fifteen train sets. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? [ shifts his aggressive gaze to Honeydew ] Can you?
Winter’s Breath: No. Get mad, you sons of bitches, get mad. You know what it takes to be one of Santa’s elves? [ he pulls out a pair of stringed ball bearings and hangs them near his crotch ] It takes brass balls to be an elf. The tools are out there, build with the tools. You don’t — I have no sympathy for you, and you know what you’ll be saying? A bunch of losers sitting around the reindeer shed, drinking fermented dew out of acorn caps. “Oh yeah, I used to be one of Santa’s elves, it’s a tough racket.”
[ Head Elf hands Winter’s Breath a shiny new tool ]
Winter’s Breath: These are the new tools.
Elves: [ impressed ] Oooohhhhh…
Winter’s Breath: These are the Glengarry line of power tools, and, to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for cobblers. I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. [ turns back to Elf #2 ] And to answer your question, pal: why I’m here because Santa asked me to be here as a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your elf’n’ asses, because a loser is a loser.
[ a beat, as Winter’s Breath takes on a sudden different tone ]
Winter’s Breath: Oh. And one more thing: you all get holiday bonuses, it’s still Christmas.
[ awkward fade to black ]