Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 8
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Wolf Blitzer….Chris Parnell
Jane Pauley….Kristen Wiig
“Stan Mather”/Dan Rather….Darrell Hammond
Stuart Scott….Finesse Mitchell
Ty Pennington….Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit….Horatio Sanz
Sharif Omar Mohammed/”Brother Jenkins”….Kenan Thompson
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
While speaking in North Carolina this week President Bush said, “the economy is strong and the best days are yet to come,” adding, “also, the war’s going great, we don’t torture people, I’m 11 feet tall, and if you don’t believe me you can ask my unicorn.”
As part of a concerted effort to sure up slumping public support for the war, Dick Cheney is greeting troops recently back from Iraq saying, “welcome home heroes- eeh, don’t unpack yet!”
Amy Poehler: According to reports, Iran plans to build two new nuclear power plants in addition to the reactor expected to go online next year. The report is titled ‘Iraq 2: Nuclear Boogaloo’.
In the trial of Saddam Hussein on Tuesday witnesses emotionally testified to the scenes of torture and abuse the former dictator inflincted on them. A tearful Saddam said afterwards, “ah, good times.”
Tina Fey: This Monday ABC News named Elizabeth Vargas and Bob Woodruff to replace Peter Jennings on ‘ABC World News Tonight’. Vargas and Woodruff were selected after an exhaustive search of potential anchors, and here now in a Weekend Update exclusive – the ‘ABC World News Tonight’ audition tapes.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Wolf Blitzer ]
Voiceover: Okay. ABC News auditions, and whenever you’re ready, Wolf.
[ cut to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Good evening, I’m Wolf Blitzer. Sobering news out of Irab. (sighs) I guess I’ll be going. Thought today was my big chance but I ate it. Nice job, Wolf. Jackass.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Jane Pauley ]
Jane Pauley: Good evening, I’m Jane Pauley.
Voiceover: [interrupts] Next.
[ SUPER: ABC News/Stan Mather ]
“Stan Mather”: Hello, I’m Stan Mather, hot new kid on the street. I tell it like it is and I most certainly double-check my sources. Well, the situation in the Middle East is hotter than Mammy’s pancake batter baking on the hood of a ’56 Ford pickup parked in the noon-day sun.
Voiceover: Mr. Rather, let’s not do this.
“Stan Mather”: Who’s Mr. Rather?
[ SUPER: ABC News/Stuart Scott ]
Stuart Scott: Sobering news straight out of the Middle East, where the researches have jacked up all types of nasty. Hey, holla at a soldier if you see him in a tank! Meanwhile, a suicide bomber dropped thirty deuce by-standers with a backpack full of TNT. Boo-yah! [sings] Duh-nuh-nuh, duh-nuh-nuh!
[ SUPER: ABC News/Ty Pennington ]
Ty Pennington: [screaming in a megaphone, shirtless] Sobering news out of Iraq, where thirty-one people died in a suicide bombing!
Ty Pennington: Was it the bullhorn?
[ SUPER: ABC News/Gene Shalit ]
Gene Shalit: [eating from a plate of eggs] [to someone off camera] I think it’s the union naturally.
Voiceover: Mr. Shalit, we’re rolling.
Gene Shalit: What? Oh. [to camera] The Saddam Hussein trial continues in Iraq, and I’m “Iraqing” my brains trying to figure out who done it! Maybe if he wasn’t so damn crazy, I could understand why he was Huss-ein! [pause] I didn’t get the job, did I?
Gene Shalit: Can I finish this egg?
[ cut back to Tina and Amy at the Update desk ]
Tina Fey: The ABC News audition tapes.
Amy Poehler: Wow.
Tina Fey: Hmm. I would’ve gone with Shalit.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, I would’ve gone with Shalit too. He was really good.
Tina Fey: I would’ve picked Shalit.
Amy Poehler: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. has seen a marked increase in merchandise sales and visitors since the birth of their new panda cub. The cub’s name? Ka-ching Ka-ching.
Rachel Aldana, an 18-year-old woman, has won the record for the largest chest in England with a size 32 JJ. Oh well, it was just an honor to be nominated.
Tina Fey: Last Saturday was the 106th annual Army-Navy football game. Army lost, but only because Rumsfeld advised them to use just five players, three of whom were not given equipment.
The owner of CBGB, the legendary New York rock club, has agreed to move the club out of the East Village after a long dispute over back rent. How much rent did he owe?
Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: [simultaneously] Five-hundred twenty-five thousand, six-hundred dollars!
Amy Poehler: It has been speculated that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a boy, after they were spotted in a shopping center buying a boy.
Researchers working in Honduras have begun using dolphins to help treat people with mild to moderate depression. The hard part – swallowing the dolphins.
Tina Fey: The movie Brokeback Mountain opened this week. The movie is making history as the first Western ever where the good guys get it in the end. [audience laughs] Now. Yes. Let me tell you this – that joke was sent to me by my 72-year-old father Don Fey. That is true. And he will get a hundred dollars. Thanks, Don.
Amy Poehler: Thank you, Don. Thank you, Don. Well done.
A new poll finds that one in six people still experience discrimination in the workplace, so we brought our next guest here to educate everyone about diversity. From the nation of Islam, please welcome Sharif Omar Mohammed.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Yes. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, I am Sharif Omar Mohammed and I do diversity seminars at workplaces and conventions around this great nation. But just because we are learning doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. So I would’ve like to introduce you to a friend of mine, brother Jacobs. [he picks up a puppet from underneath the desk] Come on, brother Jacobs.
“Brother Jenkins”: Aslama legum (?).
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Well, why legum salam (?) to you too, brother Jenkins. Now, today we’re gonna be learning about tolerance – that means accepting people for who they are. Am I right, brother Jenkins?
“Brother Jenkins”: Right. Just because I’m made out of wood doesn’t mean I deserve any less respect.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Indeed, indeed. We must never be judged on our appearance.
“Brother Jenkins”: That’s right. Judge the Devil by his deeds. [ Mohammed turns the puppets head towards Amy, she look bewildered ]
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Yes, brother Jenkins. And in the workplace we should not be separated by race or creed for we are all part of one team.
“Brother Jenkins”: That’s right, one team. As long as you can step in time and say, “yes, boss. No, boss. You can be our night team”, ain’t that right, white lady? [ puppet looks at Amy again ]
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Brother Jenkins!
Amy Poehler: Did you just yell at me?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Please forgive brother Jenkins. I mean, he’s got a mind of his own sometimes. [to the puppet] Now, be fair to the nice white lady, brother Jenkins.
“Brother Jenkins”: “Fair”? You wanna talk about “fair”, huh? I was in jail!
Amy Poehler: [sceptical] Your puppet was in jail?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: No, of course not. Of course not.
“Brother Jenkins”: Damn right I was in jail! And let me tell you, in the joint – [lowers voice dramatically] you do whatever you have to do to survive.
Amy Poehler: Is this about diversity?
“Brother Jenkins”: Be still, whitey! Go bring me a pork chop sandwich, I’m hungry, woman!
Amy Poehler: What?! Excuse me!?
Sharif Omar Mohammed: I apologise. Brother Jenkins! He’s just using high —.
“Brother Jenkins”: This isn’t high —, and all you devils need to know it! Free to the tonkey! Free tonkey!
Amy Poehler: Alright, I think that’s enough.
Sharif Omar Mohammed: Brother Jenkins, we are leaving!
“Brother Jenkins”: Free tonkey! Come here, bring me my pork chop sandwich, white woman!
Amy Poehler: Oh, come on! Sharif Omar Mohammed and Brother Jenkins, everyone. And I don’t like that puppet one bit. Boy.
Tina Fey: Pork sandwich. Hmm.
A super market chain in Britain has introduced the world’s first musical sandwich that plays a medley of Christmas tunes when opened. Even better, when you’re done eating the sandwich you fart ‘Jingle Bells’.
It was reported that Nicole Richie and fiancé Adam D.J. A.M. Goldstein have decided to call off their engagement. Richie says she will keep her ring, but only to wear as a belt. Eat something.
Amy Poehler: Eat something.
A judge in Oregon has told Sam Buck that she cannot call her coffee shop “Sam Buck’s” because it violates the trademark of Starbucks. This does not bode well for my new coffee shop named after my yellow lab – “Dunkin’ Dog Nuts”.A Hong Kong spa has a new weight loss technique in which patrons are wrapped in wet towels, splashed with alcohol and set ablaze. You won’t lose weight, but for a few excruciating seconds you’re totally forgetting that you’re fat.
Tina Fey: Finally, in some sad news tonight, legendary comedian Richard Pryor passed away this morning at the age of 65. And almost thrirty years ago to the day he came to this studio and changed our show forever. Here’s a clip where he and Chevy play some word association.
[ cut to clip of old SNL sketch ]
Mr. Wilson: “White trash!”
Interviewer: “Jungle bunny!”
Mr. Wilson: “Honky!”
Mr. Wilson: “Honky honky!”
Mr. Wilson: “DEAD honky!”
[ cut back to Amy and Tina at the Update desk ]
Amy Poehler: We will miss you, Richard. You will be missed. For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted by: Maria Hartman