Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
December 17th, 2005
Jack Black
Neil Young
None
Johnny Knoxville
Darlene Love
Tracy Morgan
Kyle Gass
A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Playing Santa Claus, Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) asks various children what they want for Christmas, but their answers suspiciously sound pre-written to meet Cheney’s agenda. President George W. Bush (Will Forte) takes the opportunity to sit on Cheney’s lap to request the new X-Box for Christmas.
Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, President George W. Bush.
Transcript
MontageNote: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she’s still absent from the episode for maternity leave.
Note: Horatio Sanz is credited, though he, too, is absent from tonight’s episode.
Note: News reports in earlier weeks announced that Howard Stern would make a cameo appearance in tonight’s episode, but he ended up canceling at the last minute.
Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings a song that director Peter Jackson rejected for inclusion in the new “King Kong” remake.
First Hosted: 01k.
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Stuart Little Mouse Removal KitSummary: Modeled after the movie, homeowners can get rid of unwanted mice by leaving cheese, tracks and an exploding race car aimed out the front door.
SbarroSummary: Family members (Jack Black, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) take a break from Christmas shopping to order pizza from Sbarro, but are inundated by strong winds since the only available seats in the crowded eatery are by the door.
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Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd, just in time for Christmas. This time, Tyler (Chris Parnell) gets himself stuck in a watermelon, and Johnny Knoxville purposefully staples a two-by-four to his genitals.
Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.
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TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel’s spoof of 1960’s animated holiday specials, Darlene Love delivers a Claymation chorus of “Christmastime For the Jews.”
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Darlene Love performs “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”Bio: Darlene Love (1938-). Singer; sang backing vocals on many of the Phil Spector-produced hits of the 60’s, as well as uncredited lead vocal on The Crystals’ “He’s A Rebel”; also played Danny Glover’s wife in the “Lethal Weapon” film series.
Channel 5 News Team Photo ShootSummary: The theme of this year’s photo shoot is simple: pointing. Seems simple enough, except that none of the other anchors (Kenan Thompson, Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell) are pointing at Chet the weatherman (Jack Black), and he’s taking it personally.
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SNL Digital ShortSummary: White boys Andy Samberg and his homie Chris Parnell take to the streets of New York to perform a rap song about snacking and watching “The Chronicles of Narnia” on a “Lazy Sunday.”
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Neil Young performs “It’s A Dream”First Performed: 89a.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Skull Island tourism representatives, Joseph (Kenan Thompson) and Charles Lepani (Tracy Morgan).
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A Very Downer ChristmasSummary: Flashback to Christmas, 1978, as a pre-teen Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) walks in on Santa Claus (Jack Black) in her parents’ living room and frowns upon every gift idea planned for her.
Recurring Characters: Santa Claus, Debbie Downer.
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Space War 2148Summary: Bisexual alien Glirk (Andy Samberg) makes it clear to his fellow space war survivor, an American astronaut (Jack Black), that they can repopulate the galaxy together.
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Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas TreeSummary: Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) behave like jerks while shopping for a Christmas tree just before closing time.
Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.
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Spelling BeeSummary: A young Jack Black (Will Forte) stumbles on the word “Business”, and attempts to spell it with way too many letters. Jack Black and Kyle Gass summarize the experience with a song.
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Neil Young performs “He Was the King”Lyrics
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
The Indigo GirlsSummary: Summary: High on a mountain, the Indigo Girls (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler) receive a sperm donation from David Crosby (Jack Black).
Recurring Characters: David Crosby.
Christmas PartySummary: The boss (Seth Meyers) comes down hard on his employees after their office Christmas party fails to be a success.
Father TimeSummary: At year’s end, Father Time (Jack Black) waits patiently for 2006 to arrive.
The X-Box ShowSummary: Gamers (Jack Black, Jason Sudeikis) tackle viewers’ questions without having to interrupt their game.
