Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree
Tree Salesman…..Jack Black
Male A-Hole…..Jason sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristin Wiig
Concessions Man…..Finesse Mitchell
[ open on holiday postcard inscribed with the sketch title ]
Announcer: And now, “Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree.”[ dissolve to Tree Salesman finalizing a sale ]
Tree Salesman: Here you go. Thank you very much. [ his buyers exit, as he notices the A-Holes ] Uh, hello there. You two need any help?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to get a tree. What kind you got?
Tree Salesman: I’ve got lots of different kinds, my man. What kind you looking for?[ Male a-Hole turns to look at his wife. She barely looks up during the entire scene, focusing solely on her fingernails and filing them with great indifference to the scene. ]
Male A-Hole: What kind of tree you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Tree Salesman: Okay, well.. we’ve got Douglas firs, they’re very popular.
Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?
Female A-Hole: About what?
Male A-Hole: The tree.
Female A-Hole: [ bored ] The what?
Male A-Hole: The tree.
Female A-Hole: Do you guys have hot chocolate?
Male A-Hole: Do you guys got hot chocolate?
Tree Salesman: Uh.. no.
Male A-Hole: They don’t, babe.[ the Tree Salesmen is unsure where this is leading, and isn’t quite sure how best to continue their conversation. There’s a brief and awkward silence between the three of them. ]
Female A-Hole: [ disgusted ] Shouldn’t you be telling us about the tree?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what other trees you got?
Tree Salesman: Uh.. you ever have a Scotch Pine?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know those. I know about those. You know about those, babe? [ she doesn’t look up from her fingernails ] You know Scotch Pine? [ she doesn’t acknowledge the question ] You heard about those, right, babe? [ she continues to focus on her fingernails ] Scotch Pine?
Female A-Hole: [ finally ] Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know those.
Tree Salesman: Okay, would you like one?
Male A-Hole: You want to get one, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ changes the subject ] Where’s your bathroom?
Male A-Hole: You guys got a bathroom?
Tree Salesman: No. No, we don’t. There’s one across the street at the Starbuck’s.
Male A-Hole: Alright, you want to go over there, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ insistent ] I want a big tree.
Male A-Hole: You guys got big trees?
Tree Salesman: Yeah, we got trees up to twelve feet.
Male A-Hole: Alright, how big a tree you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: This big. [ holds her hands two feet apart, vertically ]
Male A-Hole: [ points to the distance between her hands ] We want something like that.
Tree Salesman: Okay, well, that’s not very big.
Female A-Hole: [ keeps her hands apart at the same distance ] Bigger than this?
Tree Salesman: Okay, so you want a two-foot Christmas tree?
Female A-Hole: [ looks around, bored ] What street are we on?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?
Tree Salesman: Look – why don’t you guys just look around, grab me when you find something you like, okay?
Female A-Hole: I know what I want.
Male A-Hole: Hey, dude, we got it. What do you want, babe?
Female A-Hole: I changed my mind – I do want a big tree.
Tree Salesman: Fine! how big? 7? 9? 11 feet? What?
Female A-Hole: 50.
Tree Salesman: You want a 50-foot tree?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take a 50-foot tree.
Tree Salesman: Dude, we don’t sell 50-foot trees!
Male A-Hole: Alright, they’re out of ’em, babe. Huh? When are you getting more, huh? Tuesday?
Tree Salesman: No!
Male A-Hole: Probably Thursday, right?
Tree Salesman: No, never! We don’t sell 50-foot trees! Look – it’s closing time, I’m tired, you obviously don’t know what you want. Why don’t you just come back when you’ve made up your mind, alright?
Female A-Hole: [ points past Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] I want that one?
Tree Salesman: [ looking, not seeing the tree she’s indicating ] Which one?
Male A-Hole: Which one, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ points at the street lamp behind Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] That one.
Tree Salesman: [ sighs ] That’s a street lamp.
Female A-Hole: I know. I want it.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take it. How much?
Tree Salesman: [ angry ] Get out of here! Get the hell out of here!
Male A-Hole: Alright, we gotta get out of here, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ as expected, she just doesn’t get it ] where’s your computer, I need to check my e-mail.
Male A-Hole: You guys got internet?
Tree Salesman: Leave!
Female A-Hole: [ continuing her line of thought ] Maybe a Smoothie —
Tree Salesman: [ aggravated ] Fine, you know what – I’ll leave! [ packs his cash box and rushes out of the scene ]
Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.
Male A-Hole: Yeah. [ notices the concessions stand just off to their side ] You hungry, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Alright. [ they approach the concessions stand ] Hey.
Concessions Man: Hey.
Male A-Hole: Two dogs.
Concessions Man: $4. Anything else?
Male A-Hole: You want anything else, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ back to basics ] A 50-foot Christmas tree.
Male A-Hole: And a 50-foot Christmas tree.
Concessions Man: [ confused ] I just sell hot dogs.[ awkward silence, then: ]
Male A-Hole: You look like a rabbit.[ hold on Concession Man’s confused look, as we fade ]