SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree

Tree Salesman…..Jack Black
Male A-Hole…..Jason sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristin Wiig
Concessions Man…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on holiday postcard inscribed with the sketch title ]

Announcer: And now, “Two A-Holes Buying a Christmas Tree.”

[ dissolve to Tree Salesman finalizing a sale ]

Tree Salesman: Here you go. Thank you very much. [ his buyers exit, as he notices the A-Holes ] Uh, hello there. You two need any help?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to get a tree. What kind you got?

Tree Salesman: I’ve got lots of different kinds, my man. What kind you looking for?

[ Male a-Hole turns to look at his wife. She barely looks up during the entire scene, focusing solely on her fingernails and filing them with great indifference to the scene. ]

Male A-Hole: What kind of tree you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Tree Salesman: Okay, well.. we’ve got Douglas firs, they’re very popular.

Male A-Hole: What do you think, babe?

Female A-Hole: About what?

Male A-Hole: The tree.

Female A-Hole: [ bored ] The what?

Male A-Hole: The tree.

Female A-Hole: Do you guys have hot chocolate?

Male A-Hole: Do you guys got hot chocolate?

Tree Salesman: Uh.. no.

Male A-Hole: They don’t, babe.

[ the Tree Salesmen is unsure where this is leading, and isn’t quite sure how best to continue their conversation. There’s a brief and awkward silence between the three of them. ]

Female A-Hole: [ disgusted ] Shouldn’t you be telling us about the tree?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what other trees you got?

Tree Salesman: Uh.. you ever have a Scotch Pine?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know those. I know about those. You know about those, babe? [ she doesn’t look up from her fingernails ] You know Scotch Pine? [ she doesn’t acknowledge the question ] You heard about those, right, babe? [ she continues to focus on her fingernails ] Scotch Pine?

Female A-Hole: [ finally ] Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know those.

Tree Salesman: Okay, would you like one?

Male A-Hole: You want to get one, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ changes the subject ] Where’s your bathroom?

Male A-Hole: You guys got a bathroom?

Tree Salesman: No. No, we don’t. There’s one across the street at the Starbuck’s.

Male A-Hole: Alright, you want to go over there, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ insistent ] I want a big tree.

Male A-Hole: You guys got big trees?

Tree Salesman: Yeah, we got trees up to twelve feet.

Male A-Hole: Alright, how big a tree you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: This big. [ holds her hands two feet apart, vertically ]

Male A-Hole: [ points to the distance between her hands ] We want something like that.

Tree Salesman: Okay, well, that’s not very big.

Female A-Hole: [ keeps her hands apart at the same distance ] Bigger than this?

Tree Salesman: Okay, so you want a two-foot Christmas tree?

Female A-Hole: [ looks around, bored ] What street are we on?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?

Tree Salesman: Look – why don’t you guys just look around, grab me when you find something you like, okay?

Female A-Hole: I know what I want.

Male A-Hole: Hey, dude, we got it. What do you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: I changed my mind – I do want a big tree.

Tree Salesman: Fine! how big? 7? 9? 11 feet? What?

Female A-Hole: 50.

Tree Salesman: You want a 50-foot tree?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take a 50-foot tree.

Tree Salesman: Dude, we don’t sell 50-foot trees!

Male A-Hole: Alright, they’re out of ’em, babe. Huh? When are you getting more, huh? Tuesday?

Tree Salesman: No!

Male A-Hole: Probably Thursday, right?

Tree Salesman: No, never! We don’t sell 50-foot trees! Look – it’s closing time, I’m tired, you obviously don’t know what you want. Why don’t you just come back when you’ve made up your mind, alright?

Female A-Hole: [ points past Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] I want that one?

Tree Salesman: [ looking, not seeing the tree she’s indicating ] Which one?

Male A-Hole: Which one, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ points at the street lamp behind Tree Salesman’s shoulders ] That one.

Tree Salesman: [ sighs ] That’s a street lamp.

Female A-Hole: I know. I want it.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’ll take it. How much?

Tree Salesman: [ angry ] Get out of here! Get the hell out of here!

Male A-Hole: Alright, we gotta get out of here, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ as expected, she just doesn’t get it ] where’s your computer, I need to check my e-mail.

Male A-Hole: You guys got internet?

Tree Salesman: Leave!

Female A-Hole: [ continuing her line of thought ] Maybe a Smoothie —

Tree Salesman: [ aggravated ] Fine, you know what – I’ll leave! [ packs his cash box and rushes out of the scene ]

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: Yeah. [ notices the concessions stand just off to their side ] You hungry, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Alright. [ they approach the concessions stand ] Hey.

Concessions Man: Hey.

Male A-Hole: Two dogs.

Concessions Man: $4. Anything else?

Male A-Hole: You want anything else, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ back to basics ] A 50-foot Christmas tree.

Male A-Hole: And a 50-foot Christmas tree.

Concessions Man: [ confused ] I just sell hot dogs.

[ awkward silence, then: ]

Male A-Hole: You look like a rabbit.

[ hold on Concession Man’s confused look, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Melody Reyna
Melody Reyna
2 months ago

3 Nights ago when I was strolling the street with my miniature wiener dog, a red mustang came flying down the street and rammed into my 32 pound miniature wiener dog. He went flying 10000 meters into the sky and came crashing back into the ground. As I stared at his lifeless body, I heard the mustang turn around. He then came flying over the hill in front of me just to land on my 32 pound miniature wiener dog, squishing him to death.

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