Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Girl #1…..Rachel Dratch
Girl #2…..Amy Poehler
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
[ open on exterior of White House, surrounded by a holly border to give the impression of a postcard ]
Announcer: And now, a holiday message from the Vice-President of the United States.
[ dissolve to interior, Dick Cheney’s office. Cheney is dressed like Santa Claus. He tugs the fake beard down to reveal his hard-gritting smile. ]
Dick Cheney: Good evening, America. Well, once again, it’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year – ho, ho ho! Every Christmas, I like to meet with local children and see what presents they want. So, without further ado, let’s hear what they have to say for themselves.
Girl #1: Hi, Santa!
Dick Cheney: Hello, little girl. What do you want for Christmas?
Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp & Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.
Dick Cheney: Uh, Santa can’t guarantee that.
Girl #1: [ now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards ] Well, I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the tools it needs in its global fight against terror.
Dick Cheney: Well, aren’t you a sweet young lady. Gosh, isn’t it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething that seems so confusing to Santa’s friends across the isle. Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated. Next? [ Girl #1 gets off Cheney’s lap and exits scene, as Boy enters and sits on Cheney’s lap ] Hello, little boy.
Boy: Hi, Santa!
Dick Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?
Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.
Dick Cheney: Well, I don’t see why that would be a problem.
Boy: Well – she lies in California, and usually she woul drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are, she can’t afford to come. So I was wondering if – nawww, never mind.
Dick Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it. It’s me, Santa.
Boy: Well – [ also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and, thus, reads quickly ] Do you think you can open drilling in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence on foreign oil?
Dick Cheney: [ smiles sadistically ] You know, if you put it like that, it’s the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.
Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!
Dick Cheney: Alright, son. [ Boy jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ] moving on – [ Girl #2 sits on Cheney’s lap ] Alright. what can I do for you, little girl?
Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only want one thing for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: What’s that?
Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and democracy has spread all through the Middle East.
Dick Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe everyone else should do a gut check.
Girl #2: Yay! [ jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ]
Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Alright, let’s wrap this thing up.
Voice: Excuse me, excuse me – sorry, kid, President coming through!
[ President George W. Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney’s lap ]
President George W. Bush: Hey, Dick! What’s up?
Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this in private, like we do every year.
President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn’t wait, Dick. You know, I’m just so excited for Christmas.
Dick Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?
President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.
Dick Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act, Mr. President?
President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act, Dick, I do. But I want that 360.
Dick Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective, they may be recalled.
President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is defective, and we’re not recalling anyone, so –
Dick Cheney: [ defeated ] Okay, you can have the X-Box.
President George W. Bush: Yay!
Dick Cheney: Now, wasn’t there something else you wanted to say?
President George W. Bush: Oh, right. Uh.. Thank you, Santa.
Dick Cheney: No. Something else.
President George W. Bush: Oh. Right. Okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”