SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Girl #1…..Rachel Dratch
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Girl #2…..Amy Poehler
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior of White House, surrounded by a holly border to give the impression of a postcard ]

Announcer: And now, a holiday message from the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Dick Cheney’s office. Cheney is dressed like Santa Claus. He tugs the fake beard down to reveal his hard-gritting smile. ]

Dick Cheney: Good evening, America. Well, once again, it’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year – ho, ho ho! Every Christmas, I like to meet with local children and see what presents they want. So, without further ado, let’s hear what they have to say for themselves.

Girl #1: Hi, Santa!

Dick Cheney: Hello, little girl. What do you want for Christmas?

Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp & Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.

Dick Cheney: Uh, Santa can’t guarantee that.

Girl #1: [ now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards ] Well, I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the tools it needs in its global fight against terror.

Dick Cheney: Well, aren’t you a sweet young lady. Gosh, isn’t it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething that seems so confusing to Santa’s friends across the isle. Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated. Next? [ Girl #1 gets off Cheney’s lap and exits scene, as Boy enters and sits on Cheney’s lap ] Hello, little boy.

Boy: Hi, Santa!

Dick Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?

Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.

Dick Cheney: Well, I don’t see why that would be a problem.

Boy: Well – she lies in California, and usually she woul drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are, she can’t afford to come. So I was wondering if – nawww, never mind.

Dick Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it. It’s me, Santa.

Boy: Well – [ also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and, thus, reads quickly ] Do you think you can open drilling in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence on foreign oil?

Dick Cheney: [ smiles sadistically ] You know, if you put it like that, it’s the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.

Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!

Dick Cheney: Alright, son. [ Boy jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ] moving on – [ Girl #2 sits on Cheney’s lap ] Alright. what can I do for you, little girl?

Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only want one thing for Christmas.

Dick Cheney: What’s that?

Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and democracy has spread all through the Middle East.

Dick Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe everyone else should do a gut check.

Girl #2: Yay! [ jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ]

Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Alright, let’s wrap this thing up.

Voice: Excuse me, excuse me – sorry, kid, President coming through!

[ President George W. Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney’s lap ]

President George W. Bush: Hey, Dick! What’s up?

Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this in private, like we do every year.

President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn’t wait, Dick. You know, I’m just so excited for Christmas.

Dick Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?

President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.

Dick Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act, Dick, I do. But I want that 360.

Dick Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective, they may be recalled.

President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is defective, and we’re not recalling anyone, so –

Dick Cheney: [ defeated ] Okay, you can have the X-Box.

President George W. Bush: Yay!

Dick Cheney: Now, wasn’t there something else you wanted to say?

President George W. Bush: Oh, right. Uh.. Thank you, Santa.

Dick Cheney: No. Something else.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Right. Okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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