SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

A Holiday Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Girl #1…..Rachel Dratch
Boy…..Andy Samberg
Girl #2…..Amy Poehler
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior of White House, surrounded by a holly border to give the impression of a postcard ]

Announcer: And now, a holiday message from the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Dick Cheney’s office. Cheney is dressed like Santa Claus. He tugs the fake beard down to reveal his hard-gritting smile. ]

Dick Cheney: Good evening, America. Well, once again, it’s Christmas, my favorite time of the year – ho, ho ho! Every Christmas, I like to meet with local children and see what presents they want. So, without further ado, let’s hear what they have to say for themselves.

Girl #1: Hi, Santa!

Dick Cheney: Hello, little girl. What do you want for Christmas?

Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp & Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.

Dick Cheney: Uh, Santa can’t guarantee that.

Girl #1: [ now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards ] Well, I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the tools it needs in its global fight against terror.

Dick Cheney: Well, aren’t you a sweet young lady. Gosh, isn’t it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething that seems so confusing to Santa’s friends across the isle. Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated. Next? [ Girl #1 gets off Cheney’s lap and exits scene, as Boy enters and sits on Cheney’s lap ] Hello, little boy.

Boy: Hi, Santa!

Dick Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?

Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.

Dick Cheney: Well, I don’t see why that would be a problem.

Boy: Well – she lies in California, and usually she woul drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are, she can’t afford to come. So I was wondering if – nawww, never mind.

Dick Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it. It’s me, Santa.

Boy: Well – [ also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and, thus, reads quickly ] Do you think you can open drilling in the Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence on foreign oil?

Dick Cheney: [ smiles sadistically ] You know, if you put it like that, it’s the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.

Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!

Dick Cheney: Alright, son. [ Boy jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ] moving on – [ Girl #2 sits on Cheney’s lap ] Alright. what can I do for you, little girl?

Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only want one thing for Christmas.

Dick Cheney: What’s that?

Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and democracy has spread all through the Middle East.

Dick Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe everyone else should do a gut check.

Girl #2: Yay! [ jumps off Cheney’s lap and exits scene ]

Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Alright, let’s wrap this thing up.

Voice: Excuse me, excuse me – sorry, kid, President coming through!

[ President George W. Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney’s lap ]

President George W. Bush: Hey, Dick! What’s up?

Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this in private, like we do every year.

President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn’t wait, Dick. You know, I’m just so excited for Christmas.

Dick Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?

President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.

Dick Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act, Dick, I do. But I want that 360.

Dick Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective, they may be recalled.

President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is defective, and we’re not recalling anyone, so –

Dick Cheney: [ defeated ] Okay, you can have the X-Box.

President George W. Bush: Yay!

Dick Cheney: Now, wasn’t there something else you wanted to say?

President George W. Bush: Oh, right. Uh.. Thank you, Santa.

Dick Cheney: No. Something else.

President George W. Bush: Oh. Right. Okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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