Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
A Very Downer Christmas
Santa Claus…..Jack Black
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
[open on exterior of suburban home, decorated with Christmas lights, with title: “Christmas Eve 1978”] [dissolve to interior, with Santa coming down the chimney]
Santa Claus: [stands] Ho-ho-ho!
Debbie: [gasps] Santy Claus!
Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho! I see one little girl who is not snuggled into bed.
Debbie: It’s hard to sleep knowing that you’re sharing your bed with thousands of hungry dust mites. Thanks, Hugh Downs. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to cartoon sequence, showing Debbie Downer with green skin and a Santa hat, charicatured as The Grinch, surrounded by Whos]
Narrator: [sung to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch,” in a similar deep voice, with titles] You’re a downer, Debbie D. You really are a heel. You can’t avoid a story if it’s sad or grim or gory, Debbie Downer. Given the choice between having a conversation with you or having my face shredded by an eel, I’d pick the eel! [title: “A Very Downer Christmas”] [dissolve to living room]
Debbie: Santa, we left you milk and cookies.
Santa Claus: Oh, delicious!
Debbie: I wouldn’t drink unrefrigerated dairy if I were you. Unless diarrhea is on your Christmas list. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with higher pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [slightly put off] Well, aren’t you a sweet little girl? What’s your name?
Santa Claus: Why, that’s a beautiful name.
Debbie: I’m named after my father’s sister. She’s estranged. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: Usually, when I come to houses, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.
Debbie: You should check those houses for carbon monoxide. It’s an odorless killer. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [cautiously] Ho-ho-ho, well I hadn’t thought of that.
Debbie: That’s the thing. So few do. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wahhhhh] Can I still tell you what I want for Christmas, or have I missed the window?
Santa Claus: Oh, of course you can! You sit right up on Santa’s lap.
Debbie: Okay, but it might take a sec. [pats her hip] Juvenile sciatica.
Santa Claus: Is that even a thing? [she sits on his lap] Now, what would make you happy this Christmas? How about My Pretty Pony. [he pulls one from his sack]
Debbie: Hmmm, not so pretty to the Taiwanese youth who are forced to assemble them under dire conditions. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: All right [he tosses the doll over his shoulder], how about this? Ah! An Easy-Bake Oven. [he pulls one from his sack]
Debbie: Mmm, I’d better pass. My Barbie doll might try to put her head in it. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. [he drops the oven onto the couch next to the doll] Ah! How about a shiny new pair of roller skates? [he pulls a pair from his sack]
Debbie: [sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”] Three broken fingers, two shattered kneecaps, and a haematoma of the scalp. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]
Santa Claus: [drops the skates onto the couch] Okay, look, Deb, here’s the thing. [stands, sending Debbie tumbling] I got about a kajillion houses to hit tonight, so think about what you want while I get a little refreshment. Do your parents have anything in the liquor cabinet?
Debbie: Can do. The Downers have a long history of self-medicating. [she goes through a doorway]
Santa Claus: Okay, well, what say you hook me up with some of that, in lieu of milk?
Debbie: [returns with a decanter of Scotch and a poured glass] Here you are. [she gives him the glass]
Santa Claus: Thank you. Ho-ho-ho. [he dips a cookie in the Scotch, then tosses the cookie over his shoulder and drinks]
Debbie: Hey, hey, I think I know what I want now.
Santa Claus: Oh, well, why don’t you tell Santa?
Debbie: Okay. [counts off 1 on her fingers] Dr. Scholl’s ventilated insoles–the ones with the charcoal layer. [camera zooms in slightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah] [counts off 2 on her fingers] Soap on a rope–unscented [camera zooms in further on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah ] [counts off 3 on her fingers] And a cure for my cat’s chronic mange. [camera zooms in tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meooow]
Santa Claus: Oh, Debbie, my dear. You shouldn’t worry your head about those gloomy things. Little ones should think about lollipops and rainbows, and giving Santa just one more kiss of Scotch. [he extends his glass]
Debbie: Here you go. [she pours him some more]
Santa Claus: Yes, thank you. Mmm. Mmm! Wait a minute, I think I have just the perfect gift for you. [Debbie bounces excitedly] There were are, let’s see, that’s it. Merry Christmas, Debbie. [hands her a large, flat object with a bow on it]
Debbie: [gasps] It’s a calendar of medical oddities. Wow! [opens it and gasps] Look at that goiter! This is the best Christmas ever!
Santa Claus: Well, I’m glad I could bring joy to your heart. You were really starting to bring on my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ho-ho-ho, I gotta get out of here. [he climbs into the chimney]
Debbie: But, Santa, it’s so cold outside. “This just in. Santa overcome by hypothermia. Millions go giftless.” [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [title: “A Very Downer Christmas,” with theme music]
Submitted by: DavidK93