SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: A Very Downer Christmas


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

A Very Downer Christmas

Santa Claus…..Jack Black
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch

[open on exterior of suburban home, decorated with Christmas lights, with title: “Christmas Eve 1978”] [dissolve to interior, with Santa coming down the chimney]

Santa Claus: [stands] Ho-ho-ho!

Debbie: [gasps] Santy Claus!

Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho! I see one little girl who is not snuggled into bed.

Debbie: It’s hard to sleep knowing that you’re sharing your bed with thousands of hungry dust mites. Thanks, Hugh Downs. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [dissolve to cartoon sequence, showing Debbie Downer with green skin and a Santa hat, charicatured as The Grinch, surrounded by Whos]

Narrator: [sung to the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mister Grinch,” in a similar deep voice, with titles] You’re a downer, Debbie D. You really are a heel. You can’t avoid a story if it’s sad or grim or gory, Debbie Downer. Given the choice between having a conversation with you or having my face shredded by an eel, I’d pick the eel! [title: “A Very Downer Christmas”] [dissolve to living room]

Debbie: Santa, we left you milk and cookies.

Santa Claus: Oh, delicious!

Debbie: I wouldn’t drink unrefrigerated dairy if I were you. Unless diarrhea is on your Christmas list. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with higher pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: [slightly put off] Well, aren’t you a sweet little girl? What’s your name?

Debbie: Debbie.

Santa Claus: Why, that’s a beautiful name.

Debbie: I’m named after my father’s sister. She’s estranged. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: Usually, when I come to houses, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.

Debbie: You should check those houses for carbon monoxide. It’s an odorless killer. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: [cautiously] Ho-ho-ho, well I hadn’t thought of that.

Debbie: That’s the thing. So few do. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wahhhhh] Can I still tell you what I want for Christmas, or have I missed the window?

Santa Claus: Oh, of course you can! You sit right up on Santa’s lap.

Debbie: Okay, but it might take a sec. [pats her hip] Juvenile sciatica.

Santa Claus: Is that even a thing? [she sits on his lap] Now, what would make you happy this Christmas? How about My Pretty Pony. [he pulls one from his sack]

Debbie: Hmmm, not so pretty to the Taiwanese youth who are forced to assemble them under dire conditions. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: All right [he tosses the doll over his shoulder], how about this? Ah! An Easy-Bake Oven. [he pulls one from his sack]

Debbie: Mmm, I’d better pass. My Barbie doll might try to put her head in it. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with faster paced, very high pitched trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. [he drops the oven onto the couch next to the doll] Ah! How about a shiny new pair of roller skates? [he pulls a pair from his sack]

Debbie: [sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”] Three broken fingers, two shattered kneecaps, and a haematoma of the scalp. [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh]

Santa Claus: [drops the skates onto the couch] Okay, look, Deb, here’s the thing. [stands, sending Debbie tumbling] I got about a kajillion houses to hit tonight, so think about what you want while I get a little refreshment. Do your parents have anything in the liquor cabinet?

Debbie: Can do. The Downers have a long history of self-medicating. [she goes through a doorway]

Santa Claus: Okay, well, what say you hook me up with some of that, in lieu of milk?

Debbie: [returns with a decanter of Scotch and a poured glass] Here you are. [she gives him the glass]

Santa Claus: Thank you. Ho-ho-ho. [he dips a cookie in the Scotch, then tosses the cookie over his shoulder and drinks]

Debbie: Hey, hey, I think I know what I want now.

Santa Claus: Oh, well, why don’t you tell Santa?

Debbie: Okay. [counts off 1 on her fingers] Dr. Scholl’s ventilated insoles–the ones with the charcoal layer. [camera zooms in slightly on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah] [counts off 2 on her fingers] Soap on a rope–unscented [camera zooms in further on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah ] [counts off 3 on her fingers] And a cure for my cat’s chronic mange. [camera zooms in tightly on Debbie’s face with sound effect: meow meooow]

Santa Claus: Oh, Debbie, my dear. You shouldn’t worry your head about those gloomy things. Little ones should think about lollipops and rainbows, and giving Santa just one more kiss of Scotch. [he extends his glass]

Debbie: Here you go. [she pours him some more]

Santa Claus: Yes, thank you. Mmm. Mmm! Wait a minute, I think I have just the perfect gift for you. [Debbie bounces excitedly] There were are, let’s see, that’s it. Merry Christmas, Debbie. [hands her a large, flat object with a bow on it]

Debbie: [gasps] It’s a calendar of medical oddities. Wow! [opens it and gasps] Look at that goiter! This is the best Christmas ever!

Santa Claus: Well, I’m glad I could bring joy to your heart. You were really starting to bring on my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ho-ho-ho, I gotta get out of here. [he climbs into the chimney]

Debbie: But, Santa, it’s so cold outside. “This just in. Santa overcome by hypothermia. Millions go giftless.” [camera zooms in on Debbie’s face with trumpet: wah wahhhhh] [title: “A Very Downer Christmas,” with theme music]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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