SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

TV Funhouse

…..Darlene Love

(A music video done in stop-motion animation to a “Phil Spector Christmas” style song. A caricature of Darlene Love [the singer] is shown sitting atop a Christmas tree with two children, narrating … )

Darlene Love: (speaking)
“On Christmas Eve the Gentiles gather
‘Round the Christmas tree
They stay at home and party with
Their Goyishe family
They disappear one day each year
And pass the egg nog ’round
But it’s all right, ’cause that’s the night
The Jews control the town.”

(cue the song — the activity corresponds to the lyrics)

[ singing ]“Well it happens every year on Christmas Eve
All the happy Christian people take their leave
Yeah, the streets are deserted, and that’s big news
It’s Christmastime for the Jews.

Yeah, the holiday party starts ’bout 6 PM
Ain’t nobody recreating Bethlehem
Yeah, the Three Wise Men, that’s a big ol’ snooze
Christmastime for the Jews.”

(a crowd changes a front-yard scene of the Three Wise Men to the cast of Seinfeld)

“They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line
They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet-ass wine
They can crank Barbara Streisand on the streets they cruise
Christmastime for the Jews.”

(their cars bounce up and down)

“They can gang up on the Quakers,
Play for the Lakers,
They can do what they wanna,
Even blow off Madonna
Get a chance to drive a tractor,
Win on Fear Factor,
See Fiddler on the Roof with actual Jewish actors …

Now they really get the party going after dark
Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park
Picking fights in the bar knowing they can’t lose
Christmastime for the Jews.”

(tempo slows down)

“Now it’s nearly 10:30, yes it’s time for bed
“Daily Show” reruns dancing in their head.”

(back to Darlene and the kids on the tree as the camera slowly zooms out)

“Maybe next year they’ll learn to hold their booze.”

(tempo resumes)

“Christmastime for the Jews
Christmastime for the Jews (Don’t ya see now …)
Christmastime for the Jews.”


Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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