SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Jack Black’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Jack Black’s Monologue

…..Jack Black

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Black!

Jack Black: Thank you! Thank you very much! You guys, oh my God. Well, listen – I don’t know if you know, I’m in a little movie called “King Kong.” [ audience cheers ] You know, it was a loy of fun making it, but here’s the thing. I had an idea for a song, and I figured, you know, Will Smith wrote a song for his movie – “Hitch” – and Eminem did a song for “8 Mile”, so why shouldn’t I give it a shot? So I recorded the “King Kong Jam”, and I gave it to Peter Jackson and I said, you know, “It’s nothing. Just listen to it, I wrote it on a lark, you might get a laugh out of it.” But, secretly.. I was hoping, you know, he would say, “Wait a minute. This is really good. I’m gonna put this in the movie.”

So, you know, I gave it to him, and I heard nothing from him. They didn’t put it in the movie. But, you know what? I heard the song, and I think it’s pretty damn good. Uh.. let’s do this thing!

[ the house band begins to play behind Jack Black ]

Jack Black: [ singing ]“KOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG-ah!!!!!

There’s a little place I know
Where a bunch of funky people live.
They were looking for a sacrifice
One that they had to give.

To King Kong.
Where did he go wrong?
King Kong.
That’s why I wrote this song
King Kong.
They took him to a world
Where he don’t belong.

Had to find a lady to give to Kong
To keep that chunky monkey tame.
He fell in love with Naomi Watts’ character
I forget her name.Okay, I have to admit I didn’t read the script
‘Cause I find that it gets in the way.
Of my acting pro-cess which I’ve carefully honed
And also I don’t know how to read.

King Kong
Pass the Grey Poupon
King Kong
Fighting the Viet Kong
King Kong
Everybody bang a gong
‘Cause he don’t belong.”

[ the band slows down for a minute ]

Jack Black: Alright, this is where the song gets really personal, so listen up.

[ the band pop right back into action again ]

Jack Black: [ singing ]“I show up to the set at a quarter to noon
And then I pretend to get a nasty cramp.
So I can go back to my sweet-ass trailer
And take myself a tasty nap.
Then the director dude come and pound on my door
And say, “Jack this has got to STOP!”
But then the next day I had my sweet revenge
By urinating in his coffee pot.

On the set of King Kong
Wears a massive thong
King Kong
He got it going on
King Kong
Jack Black wrote this song
So do yourself a favor
Please clap along
Everybody now
Clap with me
But do not sing
The singing’s my job
You’ll only mess up the song, trust me.

1, 2, 3 – King Kong!
Opening in Hong Kong
King Kong
He listens to Cheech and Chong
King Kong
This is his theme song
He’s a crazy old gorilla
And he guarantee a thrilla’
And once you see the movie
You’ll be feeling pretty groovy
And a rooby dooby da ba do ba ba bo oh

[ audience cheers ]

Jack Black: That’s the song. They didn’t want it in the movie, I don’t know why.

We’ve got a great show – Neil Young is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Kip LaCombe

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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