SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Jack Black’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Jack Black’s Monologue

…..Jack Black

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Jack Black!

Jack Black: Thank you! Thank you very much! You guys, oh my God. Well, listen – I don’t know if you know, I’m in a little movie called “King Kong.” [ audience cheers ] You know, it was a loy of fun making it, but here’s the thing. I had an idea for a song, and I figured, you know, Will Smith wrote a song for his movie – “Hitch” – and Eminem did a song for “8 Mile”, so why shouldn’t I give it a shot? So I recorded the “King Kong Jam”, and I gave it to Peter Jackson and I said, you know, “It’s nothing. Just listen to it, I wrote it on a lark, you might get a laugh out of it.” But, secretly.. I was hoping, you know, he would say, “Wait a minute. This is really good. I’m gonna put this in the movie.”

So, you know, I gave it to him, and I heard nothing from him. They didn’t put it in the movie. But, you know what? I heard the song, and I think it’s pretty damn good. Uh.. let’s do this thing!

[ the house band begins to play behind Jack Black ]

Jack Black: [ singing ]“KOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG-ah!!!!!

There’s a little place I know
Where a bunch of funky people live.
They were looking for a sacrifice
One that they had to give.

To King Kong.
Where did he go wrong?
King Kong.
That’s why I wrote this song
King Kong.
They took him to a world
Where he don’t belong.

Had to find a lady to give to Kong
To keep that chunky monkey tame.
He fell in love with Naomi Watts’ character
I forget her name.Okay, I have to admit I didn’t read the script
‘Cause I find that it gets in the way.
Of my acting pro-cess which I’ve carefully honed
And also I don’t know how to read.

King Kong
Pass the Grey Poupon
King Kong
Fighting the Viet Kong
King Kong
Everybody bang a gong
‘Cause he don’t belong.”

[ the band slows down for a minute ]

Jack Black: Alright, this is where the song gets really personal, so listen up.

[ the band pop right back into action again ]

Jack Black: [ singing ]“I show up to the set at a quarter to noon
And then I pretend to get a nasty cramp.
So I can go back to my sweet-ass trailer
And take myself a tasty nap.
Then the director dude come and pound on my door
And say, “Jack this has got to STOP!”
But then the next day I had my sweet revenge
By urinating in his coffee pot.

On the set of King Kong
Wears a massive thong
King Kong
He got it going on
King Kong
Jack Black wrote this song
So do yourself a favor
Please clap along
Everybody now
Clap with me
But do not sing
The singing’s my job
You’ll only mess up the song, trust me.

1, 2, 3 – King Kong!
Opening in Hong Kong
King Kong
He listens to Cheech and Chong
King Kong
This is his theme song
He’s a crazy old gorilla
And he guarantee a thrilla’
And once you see the movie
You’ll be feeling pretty groovy
And a rooby dooby da ba do ba ba bo oh

[ audience cheers ]

Jack Black: That’s the song. They didn’t want it in the movie, I don’t know why.

We’ve got a great show – Neil Young is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Kip LaCombe

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