Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
Appalachian Emergency Room
Druggy Son…..Neil Young
Otis Peaks…..Jason Sudeikis
Tiny Nations…..Bill Hader
Sandy Joey Juggerson…..Jack Black
Johnny Knoxville…..Johnny Knoxville
(banjo music starts playing)
Announcer: and now another episode of Appalachian Emergency Room Christmastime.
(setting takes place in the hospital waiting room)
Receptionist: Percy and Netti Bo Dance
(banjo music starts playing)
(Percy and Netti get out of their chairs and walk up to the receptionist)
Percy: Well, since it’s Christmas Eve we were doin’ like we always do – puttin twinkle lightson all the wheelchais in our backyard.
Netti: Yeah, wheelchairs is better than lawnchairs cause they got wheels on ’em.
Percy: I was drillin’ a hole in an electric outlet so I could fit a electric pronger in there and don’t you know I slipped on our baby pool.
Netti: Yeah, our baby pool always freeze over around Christmastime.
Percy: Turns out it asn’t a baby pool that was froze over, it was the satellite dish we keep down in that baby pool.
Netti: You Know, I keep tellin’ our druggy son to take the satellite dish to his house but he don’t have a hause.
Percy: Well, that’s none of their business. Anyway, long story long, I got electrocuted and I smell like burnt popcorn.
Receptionist: Room 2
(Percy and Netti’s druggy son walks into the waiting room holding a big gulp)
Druggy son: Hey ma, could you try and score me some of those prescription pads.
Netti: You got it
Percy: That’s our Druggy son
(the druggy son walks out of the waiting room)
Netti: Yeah, he’s our druggy son and I tell you what i gonna steal, I’m gonna steal one of them kidney – shaped spit- up dishes so I could put my christmas nuts in it
(Percy and Netti leave the waiting room and went to room 2)
Receptionist: Otis Peaks and Tiny Nations
(Otis and Tiny walk into the waiting room, Otis is wearing a santa hat and Tiny has a jart shoved through his hand)
Otis: All right now. How you doing? Here’s this. My cousin and me right here we was throwing jarts at each other cause the ring you throw en into was stuck up on the roof.
Tiny: Yeah here’s the thing I was running away from a jart that was coming at me and I woul have outrun it, but I crashed in my ferret condo I was building with my new wife’s ex-husband.
Receptionist: Now are you feeling any pain in your hand?
Tiny: No, this here’s a prosthetic hand I carved out of some foam rubber.
Otis: Uh-huh. That’s right bur here’s this (Otis takes his santa hat off to show the receptionist the jart shoved right threw his head)
Tiny: That there’s a jart.
Otis: There’s a jart up there, right there there you are, right in this general area over here somewhere
Tiny: That area right there
Otis: Right here
Receptionist: Yeah that’s room 4
Otis: Room 4 all right we got it
(Otis and Tiny walk out of the waiting room and head to room 4)
(Tyler walks into the waiting room holding a watermelon with a red bow on it)
Receptionist: Oh Tyler you got me a gift now that is sweet of you.
Tyler: It was sweet and then – hold on
(Tyler lets go of the watermelonbut it’s stuck on to his groin)
Tyler: Give me a second while I think this over.
Receptionist: You take your time Tyler take your time.
Tyler: Okay I got it
(Tyler grabs the watermelon)
Tyler: I was wrestling this watermelon in the snow and my wife was playing with a mousetrap on the front porch. Well, that trap went off and it startled me so much that my belt undid, my pants flew off, and then I slipped groin – forward onto this here watermelon. You can have it if you can get it off.
Receptionist: No that’s okay Tyler you go ahead and keep it it’s better to give than receive
Tyler: That’s good ’cause I sure gave it to this watermelon.
(Tyler leaves the waiting room and goes to another room)
Receptionist: That’s inappropriate Tyler. It’s an inapropriate thing to say.
Receptionist: Sandy Joey Juggerson
(Sandy walks into the aiting room dressed as a shepherd)
Sandy: Okay everybody, listen up. Here’s the timeline as follows, we was doin’ a profesional live nativity scene over by the lake’s picnic area. And since no one showed up. The girl who was playing Mary and I found ourselves ingesting a lot of bers. Now I;m not gonna lie to you, I was and I still am highly intoxicated. Now you stay with me. Now what happens when you’ve doin’ a live nativity that no one shows up to ? Correct – turns into a fartin’ contest. The good news – I won. The bad news – I think I pushed a good deal of my pooty pucker out, and it went and ripped. I’m your medical ball of clay. Mold me.
Receptionist: Room 10
Sandy: Now can you ensure that nobody steals that baby Jesus off the back of my bike? That there’s a cabbagepatch collectible
(Sandy leaves the waiting room and goes to Room 10)
Receptionist: Mr. Johnny Knoxville
(Johnny walks into the waiting room with a piece of wood shoved in the middle of his pants)
Johnny: Hey, How you doing man? I got a little situation, I kinda on purpose nailed this two – by – four to my ABC.
Receptionist: What’s an ABC?
Johnny: My ass-ball connection. Anyway, that’s two weeks ago andit’s really startin’ to smart, so…
Receptionist: OK you want to go straight down to the ICU—
Johnny: Oh I know where it is.
(Johnny leaves the waiting room and goes to the other room)
Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Appalachian emergency room Christmastime.
Submitted by: Matt Ellis