Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 9
Homeless Man…..Fred Armisen
Deliberating Customer…..Chris Parnell
[open on exterior of Sbarro] [dissolve to crowded interior]
Man: Ah! Come over here! Over here! Mee-mah, jackpot! We got a table![Mee-mah, an elderly woman, approaches with a large shopping bag, and she sits with the man as they put down paper plates]
Mee-mah: Oh, jackpot! Woo, the holidays! I didn’t think we’d be able to get a table; it’s so crowded. You think there’s enough room for all of us?
Man: Totally. Man, I need this pizza. We’ve been walking around for hours in the cold.
Mee-mah: Oh, all this Christmas shopping. I’m just so tired.[a bell rings, the door opens, and a powerful wind sweeps through the restaurant, blowing away one of their paper plates]
Mee-mah: Should we move? The wind is just ripping through that front door there.[they set to righting things on the table]
Man: I don’t think there’s anywhere to move to. Don’t worry. It’s not that bad.[Mee-mah stands to retrieve her shopping bag, which has also blown a ways away]
Woman: [approaches with a baby stroller] Oh, honey, great, you got a seat. Oh, and there’s room for the stroller. This is so great. It’s so busy in here. [sits] Oh, I am exhausted.[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows more powerfully than before, bowling everyone over slightly]
Woman: The baby! The baby! Close the door! Close it! [wind stops] Woo! Oh, oh, my God! Should we sit somewhere else?
Man: No, there’s nowhere else. It’s okay. The door’s closed and it’ll just, you know, we’ll weigh everything down. That’s how you do it. [places napkin holder on a paper plate]
Mee-mah: So, what do you guys want to do next?
Woman: You know, I wouldn’t mind looking at the tree again.[man stands to get some more paper plates, which he places on the table]
Man: I’d like to go ice skating if we can get a reservation.[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows even powerfully than before, sending scraps of newspaper and other debris flying about]
Woman: Oh, no! Aaaaah!
Mee-mah: Goodness gracious! Get the door! I can’t get out of my seat![the man stands and pushes the door closed]
Man: That’s right!
Mee-mah: I could not get out of my seat!
Woman: That wind is something. It is something.
Mee-mah: You know what? It’s brisk, is what it is.
Woman: It sure is.
Man: It’s beyond brisk.
Woman: That wind is–
Man: Oh, look! They’re getting up over there.
Woman: Oh, oh, honey, go grab that table. Grab the table![as the man gets up to get the table, a second man rushes over and sits at it]
Man: Excuse me, we saw this table first.
Homeless Man: [hisses]
Man: [backing away] I see.
Woman: Okay, I guess we’re not moving tables.
Man: [sits back down] It’s okay. It’s not so bad. Oh, look. It’s snowing. It’s beautiful.
Mee-mah: You know, snow reminds me of the Christmas you were born.
Mee-mah: Your grandfather was still alive.
Woman: Oh, man.
Mee-mah: Yes, he would have really enjoyed–[the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows as powerfully as before, sending drifts of snow blowing through the restaurant]
Woman: Oh, no!
Mee-mah: Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch![wind stops]
Woman: Oh, God!
Man: Is everyone okay?!
Woman: Oh! Oh! As soon as we get this pizza, let’s go!
Waiter: [arriving with pizza on a tray] All right, here we go, folks, here we go. Wow, you guys are brave sitting over here by this door.
Mee-mah: Yeah, it’s a little breezy, yeah.
Waiter: Uh-oh, everybody brace yourselves!
Man: Oh, no![the bell signals the opening door, and the wind blows still more powerfully than before, sending first all of the napkins flying, and then the woman’s scarf, and finally the pizza tray up into the waiter’s face as he falls back and away, before finally stopping]
Woman: Where did our server go?
Man: I think the wind took him.
Mee-mah: This damn, damn wind!
Waiter: [returns] Woo! Uh, sorry about that. Here’s your pizza. [places badly mangled pizza on the table] Yeah, I apologize for the face print. You know, I’m going to the doctor now. [limps away]
Man: God, get me a slice.
Woman: God, honey, okay, here you go. Here you go, sweety. [hands him a slice]
Man: Let’s eat this before the portal to Hoth opens again. [he takes a bite]
Mee-mah: Uh-oh, there’s someone at the door.[a potential customer stands at the door, looking uncertainly at the menu]
Man: No! Uh-uh! No way! This is not happening again.[the man stands and rushes to the door, holding it closed, while the customer tries to push it open and is ultimately successful after about ten seconds] [the bell rings and the wind blows yet more powerfully than before, blowing off the customer’s toupee and sending Mee-mah flying up into the air, while the man and woman succeed in briefly keeping her just above the table but ultimately lose their grip, allowing her to fly completely out of sight]
Man: [struggles to door and finally closes it] I got it! I got the door!
Woman: Oh, Mee-mah!
Man: Mee-mah, are you okay?!
Mee-mah: [struggles across the floor and finally into her chair] I’m all right! I’m all right!
Man: Are we all here? Thank God we’re safe! Let’s leave this wretched Sbarro before the wind from this door rips us apart!
Woman: Come on, Mee-mah, let’s go.
Man: Let’s go, Mee-mah.[the man and woman open the door]
Woman: Woo![Mee-mah follows after taking a quick bite of pizza] [dissolve to exterior, where tiny action figure versions of the characters are blown completely away, and the Sbarro sign is blown off the building as well]
Woman: Be careful, Mee-mah![title: “Happy Holidays from The Weather Channel]
Submitted by: DavidK93