SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Channel 5 News Team Photo Shoot


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Channel 5 News Team Photo Shoot

Marcus…..Jason Sudeikis
Anchorwoman…..Amy Poehler
Topper…..Chris Parnell
Chet…..Jack Black
J.J. …..Kenan Thompson

[open on interior of photo studio, with all four members of the Channel 5 News Team standing and laughing]

Marcus: [enters with camera around his neck] Okay, all right! Channel 5 News Team! How ya feeling, huh? All right, it’s photo shoot time. All right, now, I want you to remember: this picture is going to be everywhere. We’re talking buses, trains, billboards, the whole deal. All right, so we want to be professional, but also a little fun, okay? All right, now let’s take a look at some of your past photos up here on the monitor over here, all right? [dissolve to photo of the news team with their arms crossed, smiling and laughing] All right, now, that one, arms playfully crossed. That was good. [dissolve to studio] That was a good time. All right, here’s the year before that. [dissolve to photo of the news team with everyone frozen in the middle of jumping] Let’s take a look at that. Look at that! You’re all jumping, huh. Jumping. [dissolve to studio] That was fantastic. That was a good one. All right, but guys, this year we’re going to try something a little different, all right? Bear with me here. Pointing.

Anchorwoman: Pointing?

Marcus: Yeah.

Topper: Uh, isn’t that considered rude?

Chet: You mean pointing at the camera?

Marcus: No, no, no, I mean pointing…at each other. [appreciative ooh’s from the news team] Yeah, all right. All right, so here’s the deal. This is how it’s going to go down, all right. I’m going to play your Channel 5 News Team theme, all right? And then you’re going to walk around the space to the beat, feel the groove. And when I say “point,” you’re going to point.

Anchorwoman: Okay.

Chet: [points at Marcus] At each other.

Marcus: Yes!

Chet: Okay.

Marcus: All right, here we go, gang! Woo! Here we go, energy! Get ready! [newsroom theme music starts, and news team members start walking around] Walk out! Yes! Right! There you go. Channel 5, that’s right! Get ready! And…point! [J. J. and anchorwoman are close together, pointing at each other, and Topper is between them, pointing at J. J., but Chet is further away, also pointing at J. J.] Nice! Very good! [Chet looks slightly offput] All right. Keep it going. Keep it going, now. Let me feel it. There you go. All right. [anchorwoman does a few little dance moves] Cocky, I love it! All right, ready, and…point! [J. J. and anchorwoman point at each other again, with Topper close to them, pointing at anchorwoman, while Chet is again further away, pointing at anchorwoman] Nice! All right, keep it going.

Chet: Hey, guys? I don’t think anyone’s pointed at me yet, so, just, FYI.

Marcus: All right, get ready. Here we go. And…point! [Topper and Chet point at J. J., who points at Topper, while anchorwoman squats and reaches completely across Chet to point at J. J.] That’s super! Looks fun, yet professional.

Chet: Uh, Marcus?

Marcus: Yeah?

[music stops]

Chet: I don’t know whether it matters, but just from my perspective over here, the points seem to be, I don’t know, kind of unevenly distributed.

Marcus: Right, right, okay, well, now, Chet, we’re going to be taking a lot of shots today, okay, so just don’t worry about it. Okay, thanks, buddy. All right, hey, I got an idea! Let’s just, uh, let’s go nutso-pants here, all right? Let’s have some crazy fun points. Do whatever you want, all right? Cue the music. [music starts] All right, here we go. Really cut loose. Anything you want. Do anything. All right, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman points off and away to her left, J. J. points upwards with both fingers and Topper upwards with one, while Chet swings his arms and points both fingers at anchorwoman] No, no-no-no-no-no, stop, stop, stop, no-no-no. [music stops] Chet, except the Z Z Top point, all right, buddy? No Z Z Top.

Chet: Okay.

Topper: Yeah, what are we, the Channel 7 News Team? [anchorwoman and J. J. laugh]

Marcus: Ah, good energy, gang. I love it. Here we go. All right, let’s crank it up a notch, guys. Here we go. [music starts] All right. Hey! Let’s couple up. Couple up. Uh, J. J. and Chet, go back to back for us.

Chet: Oh, that’s a great idea. Couple up! We’ll couple up.

[J. J. and Chet stand back to back, as do anchorwoman and Topper]

Marcus: All right, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman and Topper point over their shoulders at each other, and Chet points at J. J. in similar fashion, but J. J. points forwards towards Topper] Nice! Nice!

Chet: Uh, Marcus?

[music stops]

Marcus: Yeah?

Chet: J. J. was my pointing partner, and he didn’t point at me.

Marcus: Okay, yeah, Chet, you know, you just want to relax, all right? Keep it natural, because someone’s going to point at you, all right?

Chet: Okay, sure, got it.

Marcus: All right, here we go, let’s do it. [music starts] Ready, and…point!

[J. J. and Topper point at each other, but Chet leaps in front of Topper’ finger and stabs himself in the eye]

Chet: My eye! Ow!

Anchorwoman: Chet, what is the problem?

Chet: Topper poked me in the eye!

Topper: Well, you jumped in front of my finger at the very last second.

Chet: Okay, well, if no one’s going to point at me, I’ve got to aim myself at someone’s finger. I’m just trying to get some finger loving up in here.

J.J.: All right, well, how about on this next one, let’s all point at Chet.

Topper: Mmm-hmmm.

Anchorwoman: Great, fine.

[music starts]

Marcus: Ready, and…point!

[J. J., Topper, and anchorwoman all point at Chet with disgusted, angry looks on their faces, and Tooper has pointed with a downwards thumb, while Chet gives a thumbs-up gesture towards J. J. and Topper]

Topper: Happy now?

[music stops]

Chet: No, ’cause that’s sarcastic pointing. They’re not going to use that photo. And, Topper, that was not a point. That was a thumbs-down. Am I the only one who’s seeing this?

Anchorwoman: Chet, Chet, will you calm down?

Topper: God, it’s just lose-lose with you, Chet.

Marcus: Hey, hey, hey, news team! What the heck’s going on with you guys, all right? Now I’m seeing a lot of finger-pointing, but not the fun, professional kind. All right, let’s have some fun!

Chet: Well, no one’s pointing at me, and I think they’re doing it on purpose.

J.J.: Hey, you know what, for the last time, Chet, it’s random!

Topper: Okay, well, I have to be honest. At first, it was random for me, until Chet starting acting like a jackass. Then I quit pointing at him out of spite.

Anchorwoman: Yeah, me, too.

Chet: Yeah, see, I knew it. I knew it.

Marcus: Hey, hey, hey, news team! News team! Let’s get it together, all right? Come on! Now, I know the energy right now’s a little strained, okay, but I have a feeling that this next one might be the one, all right? So for the love of God, point, news team! Point!

[music starts]

Chet: Yeah, I can feel the love.

Marcus: There you go, strut it out, Chet.

Chet: Chet’s in the mix.

Marcus: I love it, here we go, ready, and…point! [anchorwoman and Chet point at each other, Topper points at J. J., and J. J. points at Chet] That’s it! Congratulations, team, we got it! That’s the one!

[music stops]

Chet: You guys, I’m sorry about the ‘tude before.

Topper: Hey, forget it.

Chet: I love you guys!

Topper: Right back at you, Chet!

Anchorwoman: Aw, we love you, too, buddy.

[anchorwoman, Topper, and J. J. point playfully at Chet, then a camera flashes and dissolve to the final poster, with anchorwoman pointing at J. J. and Topper on either side of her, and both of them pointing at her, with Chet’s hand pointing towards J. J. from much further away, with his face and body out of the shot, and title: “WIIX Channel 5”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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