SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Space War 2148


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

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05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Space War 2148

Glirk…..Andy Samberg
Steve…..Jack Black

(Opens on shot of outer space, space music plays andthe announcer words scroll up the screen)

Announcer: In the year 2148 an epic battle betweenaliens and humans raged in space. During this war 2ships collided leaving 2 warriors, one from each side,stranded on a deserted moon. This is their story…

(Glirk the alien is green, 3 fingers on each hand, 2antennas and has a slow speech pattern. Steve is abearded astronaut fixing some piece of his spaceshipwith a screwdriver. They sit on a crater of the moon)

Glirk: Hey, Steve?

Steve: Yeah, Glirk.

Glirk: So, I know it’s been a while since our shipscrashed into each other during the space war betweenour races…

Steve: Yeah?

Glirk: And I know we’ve been stranded in this moonwith no one but each other to be friends with for along time now…

Steve: Right.

Glirk: Aaand odds are no one is going to find us outhere…

Steve: Sure.

Glirk: And it would be just me and you until we die…

Steve: What’s your point, Glirk?

Glirk: Well, in light of all that I think there’ssomething maybe you should know.

Steve: OK, shoot.

Glirk: Oh gosh! How do I put this? I have both maleand female genitalia. Soooo, just something to thinkabout.

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: OneWeek Later…)

Glirk: Oh, hey Steve! How is it going? (Steve is fixinga panel of the spaceship)

Steve: Fine.

Glirk: That’s cool. So, have you thought at all aboutthat thing I brought up like about a week ago?

Steve: It’s not gonna happen, Glirk.

Glirk: Right. Cool. Totally cool.

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Day Later…)

(Steve and Glirk are playing spin the bottle, Glirk spins it and intentionally points it at Steve)

Glirk: Oh! Your turn! Truth or dare?

Steve: Truth.

Glirk: Ok, ummm if you had to hook up with someone on this moon. Who would it be and why?

Steve: Good night, Glirk. (Steve leaves)

Glirk: What? It’s just a game!

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Hour Later…)

Glirk: Guess whooo? (Glirk holds a test tube with greenliquid in it. Drunk.)

Steve: Hey, Glirk. (Steve uses a wrench on piece of spaceship)

Glirk: Oh, man! I am tipsy on this space wine. Ifsomebody wanted to take advantage of me right now,they totally could.

Steve: Nice try.

Glirk: Whatever that means! By the way I got us tickets.

Steve: Tickets to what?

Glirk: Tickets to the male and female genitalia show!

Steve: Yeah, I’ll pass.

Glirk: Sorry, this tickets are non-refundable. (Glirk opens up his suit and flashes Steve)

Steve: Oh, God! (Glirk’s crotch emanates an intense bright green light)

Glirk: One of these is a virgin. Guess which one?

Steve: I think I’m gonna be sick! (Steve goes off to vomit)

Glirk: Space wine! (Laughs drunkenly)

(Shot of green moon, space music. Caption: Five Minutes Later…)

Glirk: Hey, Steve! What’s up, bro’.

Steve: Nothing, Glirk.(Steve is fixing spaceship)

Glirk: Oh, that’s cool. I just had sex with myself. What are you doing?

Steve: I’m fixing my spaceship so i can go home to my wife and kids!

Glirk: Aaahh, I never did understand why you wasteyour time on this old hunk of junk. I mean you got me!I’m flesh and blurve. I love you Steve! And you knowwhat? I’m all you’ve got!(Hits the cockpit canopy andbreaks it, engine revs)

Steve: You did it! You broke it but you also fixedit!! You fixed it!!(Freeze frame of them hugging eachother)

Steve V/O: I had sex with Glirk that night. Itwas surprisingly enjoyable. Although, after we weredone my balls turned black and fell off. They floatedoff into space and I never saw them again. Although,legend has it if you look up at the sky on a clearnight, you can still see them up there. Winking atyou.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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