SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Space War 2148

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

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05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Space War 2148

Glirk…..Andy Samberg
Steve…..Jack Black

(Opens on shot of outer space, space music plays andthe announcer words scroll up the screen)

Announcer: In the year 2148 an epic battle betweenaliens and humans raged in space. During this war 2ships collided leaving 2 warriors, one from each side,stranded on a deserted moon. This is their story…

(Glirk the alien is green, 3 fingers on each hand, 2antennas and has a slow speech pattern. Steve is abearded astronaut fixing some piece of his spaceshipwith a screwdriver. They sit on a crater of the moon)

Glirk: Hey, Steve?

Steve: Yeah, Glirk.

Glirk: So, I know it’s been a while since our shipscrashed into each other during the space war betweenour races…

Steve: Yeah?

Glirk: And I know we’ve been stranded in this moonwith no one but each other to be friends with for along time now…

Steve: Right.

Glirk: Aaand odds are no one is going to find us outhere…

Steve: Sure.

Glirk: And it would be just me and you until we die…

Steve: What’s your point, Glirk?

Glirk: Well, in light of all that I think there’ssomething maybe you should know.

Steve: OK, shoot.

Glirk: Oh gosh! How do I put this? I have both maleand female genitalia. Soooo, just something to thinkabout.

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: OneWeek Later…)

Glirk: Oh, hey Steve! How is it going? (Steve is fixinga panel of the spaceship)

Steve: Fine.

Glirk: That’s cool. So, have you thought at all aboutthat thing I brought up like about a week ago?

Steve: It’s not gonna happen, Glirk.

Glirk: Right. Cool. Totally cool.

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Day Later…)

(Steve and Glirk are playing spin the bottle, Glirk spins it and intentionally points it at Steve)

Glirk: Oh! Your turn! Truth or dare?

Steve: Truth.

Glirk: Ok, ummm if you had to hook up with someone on this moon. Who would it be and why?

Steve: Good night, Glirk. (Steve leaves)

Glirk: What? It’s just a game!

(Shot of the green moon, space music. Caption: One Hour Later…)

Glirk: Guess whooo? (Glirk holds a test tube with greenliquid in it. Drunk.)

Steve: Hey, Glirk. (Steve uses a wrench on piece of spaceship)

Glirk: Oh, man! I am tipsy on this space wine. Ifsomebody wanted to take advantage of me right now,they totally could.

Steve: Nice try.

Glirk: Whatever that means! By the way I got us tickets.

Steve: Tickets to what?

Glirk: Tickets to the male and female genitalia show!

Steve: Yeah, I’ll pass.

Glirk: Sorry, this tickets are non-refundable. (Glirk opens up his suit and flashes Steve)

Steve: Oh, God! (Glirk’s crotch emanates an intense bright green light)

Glirk: One of these is a virgin. Guess which one?

Steve: I think I’m gonna be sick! (Steve goes off to vomit)

Glirk: Space wine! (Laughs drunkenly)

(Shot of green moon, space music. Caption: Five Minutes Later…)

Glirk: Hey, Steve! What’s up, bro’.

Steve: Nothing, Glirk.(Steve is fixing spaceship)

Glirk: Oh, that’s cool. I just had sex with myself. What are you doing?

Steve: I’m fixing my spaceship so i can go home to my wife and kids!

Glirk: Aaahh, I never did understand why you wasteyour time on this old hunk of junk. I mean you got me!I’m flesh and blurve. I love you Steve! And you knowwhat? I’m all you’ve got!(Hits the cockpit canopy andbreaks it, engine revs)

Steve: You did it! You broke it but you also fixedit!! You fixed it!!(Freeze frame of them hugging eachother)

Steve V/O: I had sex with Glirk that night. Itwas surprisingly enjoyable. Although, after we weredone my balls turned black and fell off. They floatedoff into space and I never saw them again. Although,legend has it if you look up at the sky on a clearnight, you can still see them up there. Winking atyou.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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