SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 12/17/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 9

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05i: Jack Black / Neil Young

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Joseph Lepani…..Kenan Thompson
Charles Lepani…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

Iraq successfully held country-wide elections on Thursday, and though the results have yet to be tabulated, the leading vote-getters were Ayad Allawi, Ahmad Chalabi, Adel Abdul Mahdi, and Baba Booey. [adlibs] Ah, dammit, they tricked me!

It was reported this week that in 2002 President Bush authorized the National Security Agency to eavesdrop domestically without needing a court warrant. It was part of a secret government project called “Operation Mr. Furley.”

Amy Poehler: Quick reminder – there are just seven more shopping days till holiday.

In an interview with NBC News President Bush said that he does not live in a bubble and that he is well aware of what’s going on outside the White House. He then stepped outside the White House and exclaimed, “Oh my God, what the hell’s goin’ on out here!”

New Jersey officials said that 297 black bears were killed during a New Jersey sanctioned hunt to thin their numbers. While another 37 bears had their knee caps broken and were told to [in New Jersey accent] “keep their stupid mouths shut!”

Tina Fey: Ancient tools found in Britain show that humans lived in Northern Europe 200,000 years earlier than previously thought. Findings that will no doubt be challenged by these ancient tools. [two government officials pictured, applause]. Oh no, don’t clap for it, please.

Hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast families hoping to rebuild their homes by using low-interest government loans are facing high rejection rates and wide-spread delays. Said President Bush: “The what and the who? What? Huh?”

Amy Poehler: The highly anticipated film King Kong opened on Wednesday. The movie follows a film crew to the shores of Skull Island, where they encounter King Kong, a 25-foot giant ape. Now, here to comment on the film are co-heads of the Skull Island Tourism Bureau, Joseph and Charles Lepani.

[pan to the Lepanis]

Joseph Lepani: [in a Caribbean accent] Yes, yes. Thank you very much. Thank you, Amy Poehler. For as long as we can remember, the tourism industry of Skull Island has been fighting the image that we are an island of evil and terrors.

Charles Lepani: LIES!

Joseph Lepani: How dare anyone depict our island as being overrun with dinosaurs and giant apes? I mean, dinosaurs? You know, you could spend a week in Skull Island and at most, you would see two or three dinosaurs.

Amy Poehler: Wow, so- so there are dinosaurs on your island?

Charles Lepani: YES!

Joseph Lepani: And there are also giant apes, too. But come on, 25 feet tall? On his tip toes, our tallest ape is barely 20 feet tall.

Amy Poehler: Oh, I don’t know, that sounds still pretty big.

Charles Lepani: Silence, Amy Poehler.

Joseph Lepani: Just because Skull Island has thousands of dinosaurs and giant apes, does not mean that we don’t have beautiful museums.

Amy Poehler: Oh, so you have beautiful museums?

Joseph Lepani: No, we have no museums.

Charles Lepani: We have giant bugs that will EAT YOU ALIVE! ALIVE!

Amy Poehler: Okay, well-

[Charles Lepani does a motion with his arms to indicate jaws]

Charles Lepani: GABOOGAH!

Amy Poehler: Oh! Boy, I- I don’t know if I would like Skull Island., I’ll tell you that much.

Joseph Lepani: I’m sorry, Amy, but I must correct you. The pronunciation is “Scool” Island.

Amy Poehler: Oh, so it’s not the English word “skull”?

Joseph Lepani: No, it’s a tribal word.

Amy Poehler: Oh, what does it mean?

Joseph Lepani: Head bones.

Amy Poehler: That sounds like the same thing…

Charles Lepani: Ah, woman! No wonder we sacrifice you!

Tina Fey: You sacrifice women?

Joseph Lepani: Yes, but you have nothing to worry about, Tina Fey. We only sacrifice blonde women.

Amy Poehler: Woooh, yeah! Score another one for the blondes, yo!

Tina Fey: That’s not a compliment, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Ooh, someone sounds jealous! Oh ooh, blondie!

Charles Lepani: Everyone come to Skull Island!

Joseph Lepani: Please remember, our hearts and our culture are as big as our murderous scorpions, which I assure you, are larger than you can imagine. Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Joseph and- Tracy Morgan, everyone! Thank you, Joseph and Tracy Morgan.

Tina Fey: Joseph Lepani, Tracy Morgan.

Ashlee Simpson collapsed after a performance in Tokyo Thursday. Simpson spent Friday in the hospital while her show that night went on as scheduled without her.

Amy Poehler: A 37-year-old woman who is seven months pregnant by a 15-year-old boy said this week that she preferred older men, but the teenager aggressively wooed her. Hey, who wouldn’t succumb to that, am I right Tina?

Tina Fey: Ah yeah, you know it. 15-year-old boys, so charming with their oily skin and their unflossed teeth…

Amy Poehler: Ooh, their hairless bodies reeking of day-old sweat and Doritos…

Tina Fey: Their aggressive, saliva-filled French kisses…

Amy Poehler: Their dirty fingers, their chapped lips…

Tina Fey: And of course, the sexy, sexy skid-marked underpants.

Amy Poehler: Irresistible. Absolutely irresistible. I get it, I get it.

[they pause to look meaningly into the camera]

Amy Poehler: A new report shows that ten percent of drivers like to talk on their cell phones while crashing.

According to Billboard Magazine, U2’s Vertigo tour, which grossed more than 260 million dollars, was the years top tour. Lowest grossing tour? “The Egg Council presents Monsters of Harpsichord.”

Tina Fey: New York City officials said Tuesday that they had identified two new cases in which infants were infected with herpes during a circumcision ritual in which the practitioner, or moyle, sucks the blood from the circumcision to clean the wound. Added the officials, “Now if you excuse us, were going to barf forever.”

Amy Poehler: A city in Brazil has passed a bill that will require night clubs, shopping malls, movie theatres and large restaurant to provide a third type of bathroom for transvestites. Though the bill is not as controversial as the new restroom symbol. [pictured: a female bathroom logo with testicles]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[they wave, fade]

Submitted by: Maria Hartman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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