Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 10
05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie
Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy
Mike…..Fred Armisen
Toni…..Rachel Dratch
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Lexie…..Scarlett Johansson
[ open on upward close-up of a chandelier, as surrounding violinists play ]
[ zoom out to reveal Mike and Toni seated underneath the chandelier. They clink their champagne glasses and smile. ]
Mike: Chandeliers! [ points upward to the chandelier ] Delicate, sparkling, and bursting with class! [ toni makes a bursting motion with her hands ] Nothing says “I’m loaded!” like a CHANDELIER! [ Toni shakes her head ] We should know. [ they both stand ] My wife, Toni, and I have been in the chandelier business for almost TWO DECADES! [ Toni flashes two fingers ] We have chandeliers in EVERY room of the house! And, yes, that does ibclude the garage!
[ cut to photo of a chandelier hanging low in Mike’s garage ]
[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]
Mike: You like eating steak?
[ cut to black man eating steak at a small table in a green-colored kitchen, with a chandelier above his head ]
Mike V/O: You ain’t eaten steak until you’ve eaten it under a CHANDELIER!
[ the chandelier lights up, the black man looks up in surprise and smiles ]
[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]
Mike: You like drinking fine wine?
[ cut to man sitting on a natty couch drinking wine, with a chandelier above his head ]
Mike V/O: Yeah. Try drinking it under a CHANDELIER!
[ the chandelier lights up, the man toasts his glass to it and grins ]
Mike V/O: I guarantee it’ll TASTE better!
[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]
Mike: Ah, you put a chandelier in the bedroom, that’ll spice up your love life! [ Toni playfully slaps Mike on the shoulder and smiles ] You GOTTA get a CHANDELIER!! [ Mike and Toni point to the chandelier above them ] But don’t take our word for it. Listen to our beautiful daughter Lexie.
[ cut to Lexie standing in front of four screens with rotating images of chandeliers ]
Lexie: Look at all dese chandeliers, right? [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Look at dis one, look at dat one. Look at dis one, look at dat one. Look! Are you kiddin’ me? If you had one of dese in your house, you could look like a millionaire! Like da King of England! Like da King of France, or somethin’. [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Imagine walking in your house and seein’ dis one. Or dat one. Or dis one. [ poses and smiles ]
[ cut back to Mike and Toni ]
Mike: [ smiling ] Ya GOTTA get a CHANDELIER! So if you’re ready for the high-class life, come visit US, at Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy! [ holds up items in his hand ] We’ll throw in a free set of handsome ben-wah balls wit’ every purchase! [ smiles ] If ya hafta ask, ya probably don’t want ’em! [ Toni makes passing motion with her hands ]
[ cut to exterior, Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy, which looks like a high-class mini-mall with older model cars parked in front ]
Jingle:
Mike & Toni’s Chandelier Galaxy!
835 Berry Road in Lib’ral!
[ bubble appears in lower left corner, Mike facing Toni as she shouts: ]
Toni: Ya GOTTA get a CHANDELIER!
[ Mike turns his head toward camera and smiles ]
[ fade ]
