SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 01/14/06: Deep House Dish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie

Deep House Dish

V/O…..Maya Rudolph
DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Tiara Zeeee…..Rachel Dratch
Kayleesha Kang…..Amy Poehler
Donna Smalls English…..Scarlett Johansson
DJ Intro…..Chris Parnell

V/O: You’re watching MTV 4: the alternative to the alternative. Next up, Deep House Dish.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Woooo! Woo! Welcome to Deep House Dish, the only show devoted to house music, and dishing out the latest house, and techno music stars. Yes.

(Tiara Zee comes out from camera right)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am your host, DJ Dynasty Handbag, and here with a fashion report, is my best girlfriend and co-host, miss Tiara Zeeee. What’s going to be the hot thing in the club to wear this year Tiara?

Tiara Zee: Ok, so I talked to people; and it looks like at the club, we’ll be seeing clubwear. (Her tongue kind of hangs out of her mouth, DJ Dynasty stares at her.)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: That’s it? Ooo-wee tiara, do you realize how boring that was? I’m concerned for you. (Tiara lets out a faint giggle)

Tiara Zee: I know.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok, our first guest vocalist has preformed at club luster, and the cha-cha slide land, please welcome Kayleesha Kang!

Kayleesha Kang: (singing) I told my boyfriend to hold onto the phone. I had to google something while I was alone. I googled his name, and I did a google search, and what I found out, OOO, made my stomach hurt. Google found a picture of my boyfriend and you, I recognize him by his Marge Simpson tattoo, why did I goo-goo-google him? (goo-goo-google) I am through- through- through with him. (Through- through- throughoogle) Don’t google your ma-aaaaan!

(Tiara and DJ Dynasty are “raising the roof” with their hands)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOOH! Why did I goo-goo-google him! Why did I goo-goo-google him! I am so through-oogle with him. WOO! Kayleesha Kang! Girl, your career is on Fi-re! If I were to google you what would I find? I mean give us some concert dates.

Kayleesha Kang: Well, on March first, I’m gonna be singing at the Paul Sebastian hair show early in the morning. And then in the afternoon, I’m gonna open in the George Takai gay-lesbian center in Hot-lanta. And then later that evening, I’m gonna be singing at a hepatitis benefit, and then the rest of the month I’m gonna be running errands.

Tiara Zee: I hate errands, I’ll tell you that right now.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh-wee Tiara. Now I’m only saying this in your best interest; but how on EARTH do you manage to be so dull? Tiara just looks into space Ok? Our next guest has a CD entitled; “I am too flawless to be with you people how did this happen”. Please make some noise for Misses Donna Smalls English!!

Donna Smalls English: (singing) My eyes, my lips, my hey-hey! My face, my hips, my hey-hey! My weave, my fingertips, my hey-hey! Girlfriends you better watch your man; one more look, and I’ll have to charge. Don’t- don’t -don’t don’t’ don’tcha wish don’tcha wish you looked like this? , don’tcha wish, don’tcha wish, don’tcha wish you looked like this!? COAT CHECK!! This jacket’s expensive!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: All right! Dang! All right! Hey hey! Girl, you were all up in your face with that, Donna Smalls. What have you been up to?

Donna: well I preformed at Ellen John’s and David Furnish’s wedding.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh my god, gay royalty. That is a once in a lifetime experience. What an honor to be asked.

Donna Smalls English: Oh, they didn’t ask, I just ripped off my catering jacket, and got in their face and sang ‘cos that’s my style.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: and I love you for that.

Donna Smalls English: You know who didn’t? David Furnish and Elton John, they were not having me. Yeah I just said that and I don’t care if ya’ll watchin’!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Yeah they ain’t watching.

Tiara Zee: I bet that was a big wedding.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ooh, Wee TIARA! Please! Make sure that the words coming out of your mouth will hold our attention, ok. Now you may remember our next guest from club sixty-nine before it was shut down by the police. Please give your love to DJ INTRO!!

DJ Intro: Beat. Laser. ‘Synth. Explosion! Diva! Whales! Roosters! Aunt Margie! I wanna check this mic out! I wanna check this mic out I wanna check this mic out! YOOOW!

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I wanna check this mic out! I wanna check this mic out! Yo. Ooh, you got us going over here. Where have you been? I mean you weren’t on the scene for a while.

DJ Intro: Heh heh, thanks for asking; I went to the Hazelton Clinic for a horse tranquilizer addiction.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Uh-huh. Now does that mean that you wont be able to join me and Tiara for drinks after the show?

DJ Intro: Uh, they won’t be serving horse tranquilizers will they?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well it is a club.

DJ Intro: I’m there!

Tiara Zee: I have a question for DJ Intro. (pauses)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well go on ahead baby girl, go on ahead.

Tiara Zee: …I forgot.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHWEE TIARA! Do you just realize you bored a whole bunch of people?! I mean you are like human ambience! Ohh-kay? We need to get out of here, for me, DJ Dynasty Handbag, and Tiara Zee, this has been deephouse dish, we will see you at the club!

(DJ Dynasty, DJ Intro, and Tiara start dancing as Deep House Dish logo fills the screen in a reverse shattered glass effect.)

Submitted by: Kim

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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