Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 10
Once in a Lifetime Jewelers
Ed Mahoney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Once In A Lifetime Jewelers ]
[ dissolve to interior, Guard standing firm beside the door as chipper Ed Mahoney enters and addresses the attractive clerk at the counter ]
Ed Mahoney: Hello, ma’am! [ removes his hat ] My name is Ed Mahoney, and I want to buy my lady a ring!
Clerk: Well, congratulations, Mr. Mahoney.
Ed Mahoney: Ah, isn’t it the craziest! We’re eating dinner, and I’m looking at her, and I’m thinking, “Gosh, darnit, I love this chick!” And, boom, here I am today! Isn’t life a piece of pie!
Clerk: Well, I’m sure she’s a beautiful woman.
Ed Mahoney: Yeah, she’s alright. She’s alright, you know? I mean, would the sixteen-year old me be excited about the woman the thirty-year old him was about to marry? You know, probably not.. probably not, honestly. But you know what? The sixteen-year old me was kind of a dick! Real superficial kid.
[ the clerk is stunned at Ed’s behavior, and is unable to speak ]
Ed Mahoney: I’m kidding! She’s gorgeous! Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen! [ chortles ] Alright, how’s this ring thing work?
Clerk: Well, do you know what size stone you’re looking for?
Ed Mahoney: I sure do! Not so big that I gotta work Saturdays, and not so small that she’ll kick me in the nuts! [ chortles ] Yeah, how’s that, huh? Yeah, ’cause she’ll do it, you know, she’ll kick me there! [ chuckles ]
Clerk: I certainly hope that’s not true.
Ed Mahoney: Yeah, you hope it’s not true? Yeah, well, you know, get in line behind my nuts! [ chuckles roariously ] I’m kidding, I’m kidding! She’s actually very nice to my nuts. You know, what, heck, I’d be lying if I told you that wasn’t part of the reason I’m here! [ chortles ] Tell you what, let’s go with a carat!
Clerk: Okay, that’s wonderful. Now, do you have a shape in mind?
Ed Mahoney: Yeah, am I an if I say b>diamond-shaped?! It feels like a bad answer, doesn’t it! It feels a little uninformed! [ chuckles ] I’m guessing there’s other shape options, am I right?
Clerk: Yes, yes, there are several options.
Ed Mahoney: Yeaaaah, that makes sense. yeah, it does. No, I had a hunch! Let’s see these little boggars, bring ’em out!
Clerk: [ pulls a display of rings out from behind the glass counter ] Well, these are our different settings and cuts.
Ed Mahoney: Ooh, look at that. Ouch! You know, I gotta be honest with ya’ – there’s part of me that just wants to grab these rings right off the counter here and haul ass out of here, you know! [ chortles ] ‘Cause I gotta think you’d have a hard time catching me! [ chuckles ]
Clerk: Well, that’s why we have Security, sir. [ she acknowledges the silent Guard standing next to the door ]
Ed Mahoney: You – what’s that..? [ turns and notices the Guard for the first time since he’s entered the jewelry store ] Oh, yep, yep! Yeah, that changes things up, doesn’t it! Oh, boy! Yep, didn’t notice him earlier! Boy, that little scheme would have gone po-o-o-oorly! [ chortles ] Yeah, I tell ya’ what, I like the oval shape. Yeah, what do you think, what do you have?
Clerk: I don’t have a ring, I’m single.
Ed Mahoney: Well, that’s a weird move!
Clerk: What’s a weird move?
Ed Mahoney: Well, you know, having a beautiful single lady selling men engagement rings? Well, I don’t know, that’s kinda like having a chubby person ork the front desk at your gym-na-si-um! [ chuckles ]
[ she stares at him open-mouthed, not sure what to make if him ]
Ed Mahoney: Yeah, that may not make any sense to you, but you know what? Yeah, I don’t care. Hey, uh, so, uh, why don’t you have a boyfriend? what are you, crazy or something?
Clerk: No, I just moved to Kansas City, and I’m taking some time to be by myself.
Ed Mahoney: Yeaaah, yeah.. that makes sense, yeah. Heck ,you’ve got it figured out! Don’t listen to me, I’ll shut up. Look, I gotta pick a band out now, right?
Clerk: Yes, that’s right. We have platinum, gold, and white gold?
Ed Mahoney: [ dumbfounded ] White gold? [ chuckles ] What the heck’s white gold? [ rubs his finger against his nose ] It sounds kinda like a heroin, don’tcha think! Huh! Hey, I wonder if that’s what this place relaly was, huh? Like, what if I said, “Yea,h white gold.” And then you give me this nod and you take me to the back and you hand me a bag of heroin! [ cracks himself up with his own stupidity ]
Clerk: Oh, we’re not a front for heroin sales, sir. We only sell jewelry.
Ed Mahoney: Alright, white gold it is, then! so that’s it, we’re done, right, that’s all?
Clerk: Yes, that’s it. We have a one-carat, oval-shaped diamond on a white gold band. Now, if you have her ring size, we can have it for you ready by next week.
Ed Mahoney: Her ring size is six-and-a-quarter!
Clerk: That’s perfect. Okay, let me just get your total here. Mmm-hmm. That’s going to be $5400.
Ed Mahoney: Yeah, what’s that? [ still smiling widely ]
Clerk: With tax, your total is $5,778.
Ed Mahoney: [ chuckles with embarrassment ] I’m sorry, I believe I’ve wasted your time! I grossly underestimated the price of these rings in my ol’ noodle up here! [ points to his forehead ] Oh, well! [ chuckles ] Sorry about that.
[ Ed places his hat back on his head and continues to chuckle slightly, standing awkwardly before the counter as the Clerk secretly wonders what he’s trying to pull. Ed glances briefly at the display of rings still sitting on the counter, then grabs them and lunges for the door. Unfortunately, the Guard zaps him with a taser shock before he can make it. ]
Ed Mahoney: Oh, boy! [ flings the display of rings across the room and drops to the floor, then quickly hops to his feet ] I’m alright! I’m alright! [ the Guard zaps him with the taser again, as he collapses to the floor a second time ] Whoo! Oh, no! It’s the second one that gets you! [ chortles ]
[ fade ]