Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 10
05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie
[ open on underwater footage of a spider-shaped submarine gliding through the sea ] [ SUPER: “Somewhere off the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench” ] [ dissolve to interior, submarine, Kendra, Jeff and Kevin packed tightly in a horizontal line in front of the controls ]
Kendra: Approaching our targeted death of 6,000 fathoms; speed, 3 knots; directions, east by northeast.
Jeff: Congratulations, everyone. We’re the first humans to lay eyes on this part of the planet Earth.
Kevin: There’s some pretty remarkable, mild luminence life on port side.
Kendra: It’s beautiful, Kevin.
Jeff: You know, I can’t help but think down here on the bottom of the world, surrounded by darkness, there’s no one I’d rather be with than the smartest, most beautiful scientist I know. My wife, Kendra. [ wraps his arm around her shoulder ]
Kendra: [ sighs ] That’s.. sweet. Look.. [ shoves Kevin’s arm off of her ] I can’t do this any more, Jeff, we need to talk!
Jeff: Talk about what?
Kendra: Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just get it out there – there’s someone else.
Jeff: Well, what do you mean there’s someone else?
Kendra: I’ve fallen for another man, and I can’t hide it any more. [ glances toward Kevin ] Kevin and I are in love.
Jeff: Kevin? [ turns his head to look at Kevin ] This Kevin?
Kevin: [ meekly ] He-ey.
Kendra: I’m sorry, Jeff, but I can’t change the way I feel.
Kevin: You know, um.. maybe this isn’t the best time to have this conversation —
Kendra: [ angrily ] Oh, when is the best time, Kevin?!
Kevin: Oh, I don’t know, maybe when we’re out of this tiny, tiny submarine?
Jeff: Kendra, how could you do this to me? [ rotates his body to face Kevin ] And, Kevin, we were college roommates!
Kevin: Sorry, man. It just happened.
Jeff: Oh, yeah? Well, now this is gonna happen: [ music sting, as Jeff and Kevin begin lightly punching one another within their confined proximity ]
Kevin: Come on, man, this is ridiculous!
Kendra: No! No, you’ll kill him! [ squeezes next to Jeff to pull him back ]
Jeff: You’re lucky she’s holding me back, Kevin! [ rotates his body to face Kendra ] How long has this been going on?
Kendra: [ unashamed ] Since yesterday afternoon. It started right after we passed the Curl’s seduction zone.
Jeff: So it happened.. on this submarine?
Jeff: This incredibly small submarine?
Kendra: [ annoyed ] Yes, it happened on this submarine! Is that so hard to believe?
Jeff: Yeah, actually, it’s impossible to believe. We can barely move!
Kendra: Well, it happened! Okay? Love happens! Last night after you fell asleep, we stayed up for hours talking about our families, listening to music, playing Charades —
Jeff: In here?
Kendra: Yes, yes, we’re very good at Charades, okay?
Kendra: Anyway, we had a few bottles of wine, Kevin played me a few of his songs on his guitar. We danced and danced for what seemed like hours. And before I knew what was happening, we were making love.[ Kendra and Kevin stretch out their arms to hold hands in front of Jeff ]
Kevin: I’m really sorry, Jeff.
Jeff: You know what? I’m not really mad any more, Kevin! I’m more kind of wondering how I literaly can’t even scratch my own butt, but you managed to bring a guitar in here and have sex with my wife? Actually, I wish I had been awake, because I honestly just want to see how it’s all possible.
Kendra: Kevin, will you give us a second?
Kevin: Sure. [ he rotates his body to face away from Jeff and Kendra ]
Kendra: [ to Jeff ] Why can’t you just be happy for us?
Jeff: It’s not that I’m not happy, it’s more that, when I even get a hint of a boner, it sends a shooting pain through my pelvis, yet you guys were able to fully get it on, apparently from opposite sides of the submarine – that just interests me as a scientist.
Kendra: Good! Fine! Well, then, there’s something else I need to tell you.[ suddenly, Drake the intern, who for some strange reason is naked, props himself up on top of the trio ]
Drake: Oh, hey, guys, what’s up? Oh, Jeff, you’re awake.
Jeff: Drake the intern?
Kendra: Yes. We’ve been including Drake the intern in on our lovemaking.
Drake: Sorry, Dr. Beregundian. It just sorta happened.
Jeff: Drake, this sub is only designed for three people.
Kendra: [ peeved by Jeff’s scientific explanations ] Yeah, well, life isn’t designed for only three people!
Jeff: You’re probably right.. you’re probably right. [ a beat ] But this submarine definitely is! It’s incredibly dangerous to have more than three people in here. But, anyway, is there anything else you guys want to tell me?
Drake: We’re out of food?
Jeff: Ohhh, you three![ freezeframe on the scene, as the image zooms out to appear on a newspaper with the headline: “Four Oceanographers Missing, Presumed Drowned” ] [ Music Out: “I want to live in a bathysphere..” ] [ fade ]