SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 01/14/06: Oceanographers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie


Jeff…..Seth Meyers
Kendra…..Scarlett Johansson
Kevin…..Horatio Sanz
Drake…..Andy Samberg

[ open on underwater footage of a spider-shaped submarine gliding through the sea ] [ SUPER: “Somewhere off the Kuril-Kamchatka Trench” ] [ dissolve to interior, submarine, Kendra, Jeff and Kevin packed tightly in a horizontal line in front of the controls ]

Kendra: Approaching our targeted death of 6,000 fathoms; speed, 3 knots; directions, east by northeast.

Jeff: Congratulations, everyone. We’re the first humans to lay eyes on this part of the planet Earth.

Kevin: There’s some pretty remarkable, mild luminence life on port side.

Kendra: It’s beautiful, Kevin.

Jeff: You know, I can’t help but think down here on the bottom of the world, surrounded by darkness, there’s no one I’d rather be with than the smartest, most beautiful scientist I know. My wife, Kendra. [ wraps his arm around her shoulder ]

Kendra: [ sighs ] That’s.. sweet. Look.. [ shoves Kevin’s arm off of her ] I can’t do this any more, Jeff, we need to talk!

Jeff: Talk about what?

Kendra: Well, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just get it out there – there’s someone else.

Jeff: Well, what do you mean there’s someone else?

Kendra: I’ve fallen for another man, and I can’t hide it any more. [ glances toward Kevin ] Kevin and I are in love.

Jeff: Kevin? [ turns his head to look at Kevin ] This Kevin?

Kevin: [ meekly ] He-ey.

Kendra: I’m sorry, Jeff, but I can’t change the way I feel.

Kevin: You know, um.. maybe this isn’t the best time to have this conversation —

Kendra: [ angrily ] Oh, when is the best time, Kevin?!

Kevin: Oh, I don’t know, maybe when we’re out of this tiny, tiny submarine?

Jeff: Kendra, how could you do this to me? [ rotates his body to face Kevin ] And, Kevin, we were college roommates!

Kevin: Sorry, man. It just happened.

Jeff: Oh, yeah? Well, now this is gonna happen: [ music sting, as Jeff and Kevin begin lightly punching one another within their confined proximity ]

Kevin: Come on, man, this is ridiculous!

Kendra: No! No, you’ll kill him! [ squeezes next to Jeff to pull him back ]

Jeff: You’re lucky she’s holding me back, Kevin! [ rotates his body to face Kendra ] How long has this been going on?

Kendra: [ unashamed ] Since yesterday afternoon. It started right after we passed the Curl’s seduction zone.

Jeff: So it happened.. on this submarine?

Kendra: Yes.

Jeff: This incredibly small submarine?

Kendra: [ annoyed ] Yes, it happened on this submarine! Is that so hard to believe?

Jeff: Yeah, actually, it’s impossible to believe. We can barely move!

Kendra: Well, it happened! Okay? Love happens! Last night after you fell asleep, we stayed up for hours talking about our families, listening to music, playing Charades —

Jeff: Charades?

Kendra: Yes!

Jeff: In here?

Kendra: Yes, yes, we’re very good at Charades, okay?

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Kendra: Anyway, we had a few bottles of wine, Kevin played me a few of his songs on his guitar. We danced and danced for what seemed like hours. And before I knew what was happening, we were making love.

[ Kendra and Kevin stretch out their arms to hold hands in front of Jeff ]

Kevin: I’m really sorry, Jeff.

Jeff: You know what? I’m not really mad any more, Kevin! I’m more kind of wondering how I literaly can’t even scratch my own butt, but you managed to bring a guitar in here and have sex with my wife? Actually, I wish I had been awake, because I honestly just want to see how it’s all possible.

Kendra: Kevin, will you give us a second?

Kevin: Sure. [ he rotates his body to face away from Jeff and Kendra ]

Kendra: [ to Jeff ] Why can’t you just be happy for us?

Jeff: It’s not that I’m not happy, it’s more that, when I even get a hint of a boner, it sends a shooting pain through my pelvis, yet you guys were able to fully get it on, apparently from opposite sides of the submarine – that just interests me as a scientist.

Kendra: Good! Fine! Well, then, there’s something else I need to tell you.

[ suddenly, Drake the intern, who for some strange reason is naked, props himself up on top of the trio ]

Drake: Oh, hey, guys, what’s up? Oh, Jeff, you’re awake.

Jeff: Drake the intern?

Kendra: Yes. We’ve been including Drake the intern in on our lovemaking.

Drake: Sorry, Dr. Beregundian. It just sorta happened.

Jeff: Drake, this sub is only designed for three people.

Kendra: [ peeved by Jeff’s scientific explanations ] Yeah, well, life isn’t designed for only three people!

Jeff: You’re probably right.. you’re probably right. [ a beat ] But this submarine definitely is! It’s incredibly dangerous to have more than three people in here. But, anyway, is there anything else you guys want to tell me?

Drake: We’re out of food?

Jeff: Ohhh, you three!

[ freezeframe on the scene, as the image zooms out to appear on a newspaper with the headline: “Four Oceanographers Missing, Presumed Drowned” ] [ Music Out: “I want to live in a bathysphere..” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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