SNL Transcripts: Scarlett Johansson: 01/14/06: Smorgasbørd


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 10

05j: Scarlett Johansson / Death Cab For Cutie


Hjalmar Olsen…..Seth Meyers
Sigrid Helgason…..Scarlett Johansson
Tor…..Bill Hader
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg

[open on title screen: “food network”]

Announcer: You’re watching The Food Network: ESPN for fatties. Coming up next: “Smorgasbørd.” [with title: “Coming Up Next, Smorgasbørd”] [dissolve to black and white setting with Sigrid facing forward and Hjalmar enters slowly from stage right and turns to face forward just as Sigrid turns to face stage right, in a staging highly reminiscent of Ingmar Bergman, and Hjalmar says “Smorgasbørd” with title] [dissolve to a kitchen in full color, with Hjalmar and Sigrid]

Hjalmar: [with Swedish accent] Hello and welcome to Smorgasbørd, the show that celebrates the wonderful joy of Scandinavian cooking. I am your host, Hjalmar Olsen, and with me as always is Sigrid Helgason. Hello, Sigrid. Are you well? [he looks at her longingly] [she looks at him longingly and speaks with a Swedish accent] Ja. I am well, Hjalmar.

Hjalmar: Sigrid is one of Scandinavia’s finest chefs. Also, she and I have a long-spoken agreement that, should her husband die, we are to be married.

Sigrid: Ja. Please, let’s not speak of it.

Hjalmar: He has been in a coma for three years. The doctors say it is a miracle that he is alive, but to me the only miracle is that I have not taken my own life during the interminable wait.

Sigrid: Ja.

Hjalmar: Joining us as always is Sigrid’s husband, Tor. [shot widens to reveal Tor lying motionless in a bed to the side of the kitchen] Why must he be here?

Sigrid: Because I am all he has.

[he turns his head to look at her and then faces forward, and then she turns her head to look at him and then faces forward]

Hjalmar: When people think of Scandinavia cooking, often they think of bland, flavorless food or, worse, the barely accurate stereotype of the Swedish Chef from America’s “Muppet Show.”

Sigrid: Today we set out to show you that our cooking is more than just meatballs and pickled herring.

Hjalmar: [turns his head to look at Sigrid] What have you made for us today, Sigrid?

Sigrid: Meatballs and pickled herring.

Hjalmar: [faces forward] That is unfortunate.

Sigrid: Ja. Many people are overwhelmed by the idea of preparing pickled herring. I am here to tell you that it is not that difficult.

[they turn their heads to look at each other]

Hjalmar: So very many things are difficult, Sigrid.

Sigrid: [she faces forward] Ja.

Hjalmar: Ja. [he faces forward] How does one go about making pickled herring?–and go slowly for us beginners.

Sigrid: First, take the herring. [she takes a herring from amongst several in a dish] Place in a jar of brine. [she drops it into a jar of brine] Wait for herring to be pickled.

Hjalmar: How long must I wait? [he turns his head to look at her]

Sigrid: Forty-five minutes of daylight. [she turns her head to look at him]

Hjalmar: So, five days?

Sigrid: Ja.

Hjalmar: Ja. [they face forward] That looks delicious. And now a word from our sponsor.

[dissolve to The Swedish Chef holding a rolling pin and a rubber chicken in front of a wood-panelled wall, shaking around crazily] [“Axel F” from the “Beverly Hills Cop” soundtrack plays]

Announcer: [with heavy Swedish accent] You asked for it. You wanted it. Now here it is: Swedish Chef ringtones!

Swedish Chef: [to the tune of “Axel F”] Smorg borg smorg de borg borg borg, borg borg smorg de borg borg, smorg borg borg de smorg de borg borg smorg borg.

[The Swedish Chef puts the chicken down and smacks it with the rolling pin, then tosses both over his shoulders and continus to shake around crazily] [title: “Swedish Chef Ringtones”]

Announcer: The Swedish Chef. When it comes to Scandinavia, he’s what’s cooking.

[dissolve to kitchen, with Hjalmar shaking his head]

Sigrid: Perhaps that was a poor choice of sponsor.

Hjalmar: Sadly, it was the only one available. [he turns his head to face Sigrid] Sometimes in life there is no one available.

Sigrid: [she turns her head to face Hjalmar] Ja. [they face forward] It is now time to ball the meat. [she lifts a bowl of chop meat and hands it to Hjalmar]

Hjalmar: [balling meat] Sigrid, would you like a cup of Glogg, the traditional after-ski drink?

Sigrid: No!

Hjalmar: Why not?

Sigrid: You know why not!

Hjalmar: Sigrid last drank Glogg in the lodge while waiting for Tor to return so that she could tell him that she was in love with me and she was leaving him. Then the ski patrol came in to tell her that Tor had an accident and was dead–but of course Tor was not dead; he was in day one of a three year and counting coma.

Sigrid: Ja. It’s a classic case of bad timing.

Hjalmar: Or, as the Swedes say, [speaks in Swedish]. The meat is balled! [he throws a ball of meat into the bowl]

Sigrid: Now it is time for Christmas pudding, with a wonderful surprise.

Hjalmar: What is this wonderful surprise?

Sigrid: Dinner guests alternate bites. Whoever gets the almond makes a wish.

[Sigrid holds up a small plate with a Christmas pudding, which is cake-like in consistency, and Hjalmar tears viciously into it with his hands before holding up the almond]

Hjalmar: [excitedly] I have the almond!

Sigrid: [joyously] Ja! [she and Hjalmar look at Tor who lies motionless in the bed, and she continues dejectedly] He still lives.

Hjalmar: How can you tell?

Sigrid: Because I am wanting.

Hjalmar: [yells angrily in Swedish]

Sigrid: Don’t say that! [turns her head to look longingly at Hjalmar and then faces forward]

Hjalmar: Join us next week, when Sigrid will salt a cod and I will wait for the reaper’s cold hand to release my pain.

[sedate music plays as the shot widens and Hjalmar and Sigrid turn their heads to look at each other and then turn bodily away from each other, with title: “Smorgasbørd]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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