Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 10
My Super Sweet 16
[Hilary Duffs Sweet Sixteen plays, and you see the Super Sweet Sixteen logo appears over a Louis Vuitton-like background]
Crystal: My names Crystal. Im rich and beautiful, and Im finally 16. This is going to be the awesomest party ever![Hilary Duffs Sweet Sixteen plays as Crystal texts and talks on her phone, throws money around with her best friend Sabrina, takes Sabrinas present and sets it on the bed, and throws a shirt across the room.]
Crystal: Listen up Mom and Dad, you know how much I love you. This is what I want at my party. A thousand people, alcohol, lasers, and perfection. This is what I hate. Nerds, parents, fat girls, and drama.
Dad: Honey, youre our special princess, and this is your special day. Whatever you want, well get it.
Mom: Ooh, I know. Maybe you could have a costume party.
Mom and Dad: Ooooh
Crystal: Mom, I wish you could see how ugly you look right now, gimme a thousand dollars.[opens in on mom]
Mom: We made an agreement. Every time I say something stupid, I have to give Crystal a thousand dollars. And shes right, sometimes I can be such a loser.[open back in on the living room]
Crystal: I need to make the perfect entrance. I want to ride in on an elephant. No, a tiger. No, Shaquille ONeal. No, Shaquille ONeal on a tiger.
Mom: Whatever you want, honey.[Sabrina walks in with a dull expression on her face which doesnt change for the entire sketch.]
Sabrina: Hey, Crystal. Oh my God, you look so beautiful and rich.
Crystal: Oh my God, what are you wearing, you look like a disgusting homeless person.
Sabrina: Sorry Crystal, I was up all night putting rhinestones on the V.I.P. bracelets. [long pause] DONT DISINVITE ME!
Crystal: What? Thats okay, youre my best friend.
Sabrina: Okay, awesome.
Crystal: But seriously, if you wear that outfit, Ill vomit in your face.
Sabrina: I get it.[opens in on Sabrina]
Sabrina: Im like Crystals best friend in the whole world. I mean, she wont make eye contact with me, and she says my face looks like scrambled eggs. But she did let me give her ex-boyfriend a * beep *. (shrugs). No exaggeration, for real, Crystals, like, sweet 16 is, like, gonna be like, the greatest event in, like, the history of the universe. I mean, bigger than the MTV Movie Awards![open in on living room with Crystal and Sabrina on the couch. Crystal is looking in a mirror.]
Sabrina: I went on Myspace and, like, everybodys talking about your party.
Crystal: Weve rented out the St. Louis Arch, if you dont have an invitation, you cant even look at it or youll get arrested.
Sabrina: Wow, thats so cool, youre so pretty.[parents come in]
Crystal: And we hired Hilary and Haylie Duff to sing Our Lips Are Sealed at my party!
Dad: Yes we did, for the very reasonable price of 2 million dollars.
Crystal: God, Dad, you are stressing me out. Cant you just pay for everything and leave?
Mom: Shes right dear, shes a 16 year old woman and she deserves our respect.
Crystal: I swear to God, Mom, I want to punch you in the face.[close up on Mom, who is innocently looking around] [open in on Crystal lounging on her bed with her cell phone]
Crystal: I am turning 16. I mean, this is literally the most important day in the world. I mean, Im 16, like, I have opinions, I think thoughts, I can text VOTE on American Idol without permission. And if my Sweet Sixteen isnt perfect, I will literally set my parents on fire.[opens in on Crystals dad]
Dad: I cant believe its time for her Sweet Sixteen already. I had to sell my entire business, take out three extra mortgages, and then I had to smuggle a nuclear warhead into Cambodia, but its all worth it. Just to see Crystal smile.[open in on words its party time! over the same Louis Vuitton-like background] [open in on dance floor, where Sabrina is dancing with a guy]
Sabrina: Oh my God, you guys, here she is.[Crystal walks in like a model]
People at Party: Whoo!
Sabrina: Crystal, you look so amazing and so wealthy.
Crystal: Oh my God, what are you doing in here? I need you outside telling people they cant get in![Sabrina walks out] [parents come in]
Dad: Oh, look at my special girl.
Crystal: Oh my God, I told you guys to wait in the car!
Mom: Oh, speaking of cars, we have a surprise!
Dad: We bought you a brand-new Land Rover! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Crystal: Oh my God, a Land Rover? I said I wanted a Range Rover! Throw that hideous poor-persons car in the trash! I am leaving!
Mom: Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Youll miss the special musical guest!
Crystal: Oh my God, Hilary and Haylie Duff are here? Okay, love you for five more minutes. (starts dancing with Mom)
Dad: We couldnt get the Duff sisters to sing Our Lips Are Sealed, so we got the original band, The Go-Gos!
Crystal: Oh my God, the Go-Gos? You actually got the Go-Gos? Theyre ANCIENT! Im going to suffocate from their old-person smell! I swear to God, this party is literally worse than the Holocaust![mom looks around, confused, then Crystal dramatically flees.] [the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on]
Announcer: And next up, on My Super Sweet 16.
Girl: Daddy, why wont Shakira wrestle an alligator? Shes acting like a total immigrant! [slams onto the couch, having a temper tantrum][the Sweet 16 logo over the Louis Vuitton-like background comes on and Hilary Duff sings, Sweet Sixteen]
Submitted by: Sophie